couples

Couples: 3 Ways to Start Arguing Less by putting Ego to Rest, Today!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Ego-judges-and-punishes.-Love-forgives-and-heals.

Ego, ego, my ever present ego, although I constructed thee with the help of society, I no longer want you to be a part of me. I get to discover the truth in me, the soul of me, the authentic beauty of “we” –  TDK

What if this blame/shame game could really come to an end? Why do we have such a hard time hearing and understanding one another? Is it your partner’s fault? Are you waiting for your partner to change? How about doing something different? How about changing something about yourself?

In order to do so, keep one thing in mind, it will not be easy. In fact, it will probably be one of the toughest things you do in life, primarily because the force to be reckoned with is not your partner, what is at the root of the communication glitches is not necessarily you either. It is something much more complicated, oh yes, though part of you, it does not have to define you….IT’S YOUR EGO!

It is impossible for things to stay the same if you change. If you do not show up to a conversation relying on your old script and playing out your role the same way you have in the past, it is impossible for the conversation to stay the same. Yes, of course, when individuals within the couple relationship work on themselves while simultaneously working on their couple relationship, the results can be outstanding and real change can happen at an increased rate. However, this does not mean that you have to wait until your partner makes the first move (your ego may have you convinced that your partner is the one that has to make the changes, not you!).

I currently work with couples who are both working on communicating differently, however the clients I see for individual therapy are also experiencing shifts in their couple relationship due to the changes they are making and the work they are doing on an individual basis around putting their ego to the side and practicing more vulnerability.

How about this? How about coming to the table with the intention that YOU will show up differently? That you will rewrite your script (same old way you have been communicating) and include validation, acceptance, and understanding in your responses? What about not internalizing what your partner shares, because although the ego would like you to believe it is always about you, rude awakening for most of us is, it is not always about us and we do not get to own everything!

Sometimes it is about our partner and the external variables in their lives, outside of us, which are causing them to respond to us differently. Oh fragile ego, step aside and allow me the ability to see things solely from my partners perspective. What an amazing concept. When we put our ego to the side and allow ourselves to understand the perspective of our partner, it opens up the door to understanding, safety, and connection.

3 Healthy and helpful tools to expedite change, to place your ego aside, and to connect with your partner that will lead to healthy communication:

  1. Set your intention for how you would like to show up for the conversation. What is it that you are working on and working towards and how will your actions/words support your goal during the conversation. You are not only doing this for the sake of the relationship, this is a growth opportunity for individuals. Your intentions should be rooted in something you recognize you would like to change about yourself in order to become a more effective communicator. Examples of what you can do: “I set my intention to (________)” and create your personal intention which can be filled in with, “not interrupt my partner when they are speaking,” “validate my partners feelings prior to sharing my thoughts and feelings,” “not blame my partner,” “give my partner eye contact,” “not walk away,” “let my defenses down/be more vulnerable,” etc. 

 

  1. The accountability factor. You get to own your role! When you own your role in how you and your partner reached the point to where you are arguing/feeling disconnected, start the conversation with what you recognize you did to contribute to the current state of the relationship. In doing so you are practicing self-awareness, you are taking ownership, and you are creating an opportunity for your partner to let their defenses down because they are not feeling blamed. Recognizing and sharing your awareness of your role creates a shift in a conversation because couples go from pointing the finger at one another to looking inward in a compassionate way. It is not about being wrong or right, it is about recognizing how you ended up where you are and how you can both do something different to have a different outcome next time.

 

PP Image time out

  1. Ego, you are being placed in a permanent time out!  Imagine placing your ego in time out and allowing your defenses to go down, in an effort to practice vulnerability and not make what your partner is sharing about you. The ego has a funny way of drowning out what your partner is trying to share with you by going into self-preservation/survival mode, the ego gets so loud it becomes impossible to navigate both your ego and your partner at the same time. Visualize seating your ego somewhere else or compartmentalizing your ego for the length of your conversation with your partner. The mistake most of us make is that we internalize (that’s your ego again) what our partner is sharing. We think about how things are going to impact us and about what it means about or for us. In our vanity, if our partner is behaving distant, we must have done something wrong, if our partner is happy, it is because we “make” them happy, if our partner is angry, we must have triggered them. The most important piece is that you are able to hear and listen to understand your partner and their perspective. You may have triggered them, there may be something you did that is triggering them to behave a certain way, however it may also have nothing to do with you. Be open to hearing your partner, and trust what they share, otherwise known as their truth. If you internalize, and make it about yourself, it will be impossible to hear your partner in an open, loving, and unguarded way. A way in which we all deserve to be heard.

When couples practice the tools provided, whether one or all three, growth and genuine change happen. Even if your partner is not entirely bought in, if you practice the tools, the dynamic will change.

Living in possibility that you can create the relationship you desire. If two people are equally invested, with the courage to learn more about themselves and in doing so, learn more about their partner they will be able to have more productive conversations, which will create a stronger connection and lead to couple satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationship. Continue to drown out the voice of the ego and listen to the voice of your partner because that is the voice that speaks directly to your soul and to your heart

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Connect with Yourself, Grow Together!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT

twin flowers

“Connected, side by side, you and I, as we are “we” yet, you and me, existing simultaneously independently” – TF

Couples usually enter into the therapeutic process hoping to:

  1. Communicate more effectively (in other words, argue less, talk openly, stop blaming, learn to reach a resolution)
  2. Get their partner to understand their perspective, or at least show up differently (around various issues from finances, to family planning, to parenting, shared time, etc.)
  3. Increase intimacy (which means different things to different people, i.e. sex,  hand holding, deep conversations, enjoyable one on one time, activities, etc)

When two people enter into couples therapy, there is often an expectation around what that will look like and a hope that the process will improve (sometimes “save”) the relationship. Couples therapy can be extremely helpful, it is crucial that couples understand that the power already exists between the two of them and that therapy is a support to their process. A process which requires growth.

What about growth? How do couples grow together? How do they evolve, transform, and adjust when life changes? Do they morph into one another and become one? and if so, does that mean that they sacrifice themselves or completely lose their autonomy?

In this age of transformation, the journey to true self, meditative practices, understanding and recognizing purpose, many are turning inward and evolving. While that is positive because it brings with it a deepened level of self-awareness, it is having an impact on relationships. What that impact is looks different depending on the couple. How this is impacting couples is showing up, “In the Room.”

In the Room:

Trust – In order for a couple to grow, openness and vulnerability must exist within their relationship. The trust that your partner does not want to hurt you, the trust that you and your partner are equally invested, the trust that you will be okay regardless of what lurks around the corner. Practicing trust is just that, a practice. Trust of self is primary, trust of self is necessary. If a person is struggling to trust themselves, they may be struggling to connect with themselves, and if they are unable to connect with themselves, it will be challenging, if not impossible for them to be able to connect with their partner.

In order to grow together, it is imperative that the individuals within the couple are able to communicate around their personal journey’s, goals, and around their connection with self. If one partner partakes on a journey to discover their true self without engaging their counterpart in the process, a feeling of disconnection can arise. It is inevitable that people change over time, and when doing any transformative work, the process of change is accelerated. For the individual, this can be extremely positive as they feel more connected to self, and life, they may be responding to things differently,becoming reflective, decreasing reactivity, recognizing and eliminating co-dependent behaviors, practicing appreciation, which are all very meaningful and powerful changes. However, the impact on the couple relationship can be vastly different.

For the couple when one is on this journey to discover and understand true self, and the other is not, they can experience their partner as selfish, they can become insecure, they no longer know their “role” in the relationship, they are struggling to recognize their partner, often making comments such as, “you’ve changed” and “I don’t know you anymore.”While one partner is recognizing their triggers and unhealthy thought patterns, the other partner may still be seeking to engage in the old dynamic and are no longer getting what they needed (or thought they needed) from the relationship, especially if it was a co-dependent relationship.

Steps to Connect with Yourself and Grow with your Partner:

  1. Have a conversation with your partner around their relationship with themselves. What are you currently doing in life that brings you happiness? when do you feel most yourself? What do you feel connected to? What are you each doing around self-care? How are you taking ownership around what is presently happening in your life? What are some things you would like to change? What do you feel your strengths are? Where are the opportunities for growth?
  2. Share your discoveries with one another, each of you practicing awareness around your thoughts and actions and then sharing them with one another.     What have you learned about yourself this week? What positive changes have you made? When did you recognize you were triggered? and what did you do?
  3. Share your observations of your partner, with your partner. Let your partner know how you are experiencing them in a positive and strength focused way. Perhaps they reacted to something differently, they joined a new class, they did something around self-care, they did something you appreciated. Share what you notice, appreciate, recognize, in a validating way. Being able to link what you observed to what they have previously shared was a possible area/opportunity for growth.
  4. Recap around how the changes you are each making are impacting your couple relationship. This can look like a decrease in frequency around conflict, increased intimacy, an increase in satisfaction in the couple relationship, more shared time, feeling understood, less tension, and can be as simple as just enjoying one another’s company more.

Loving yourself, identifying your true self, and living authentically does not have to drive a wedge between you and your partner. When supported by your partner, and when given air and space to grow, you are able to grow simultaneously and create a connectedness centered around self-love and trust, which extends outward and shows up in a positive way in your relationship with others, primarily your relationship with your partner. It is possible to create the relationship you desire at any time, as long as both partners are committed to growing, taking accountability, validating their partners experiences, and practicing trust. Trust in self, trust in your partner, and trust in the process.

May you continue to connect with yourself, grow with your partner, connect with your partner, and create the relationship you desire!