Author: Tamara Thompson LMFT

Couples: Co-Regulation is Healthy, Emotional Outsourcing is Not! How to Create Healthier Emotional Connection

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

KEY POINTS:

  • Healthy, conscious relationships require the ability to both self-regulate and co-regulate.
  • Co-regulation is healthy. Over-reliance on your partner without self-regulation can become codependency.
  • Finding the balance of self-regulation and allowing yourself to be supported by your partner is key.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and relationship expert with a private practice in Midtown Manhattan for over 12 years, I have supported over a thousand couples both in-person and virtually. Currently, the practice of co-regulation in couples dynamics is a hot topic and is causing some confusion since it is often mistaken for codependence. It is my intention to provide clarity for couples around what co-regulation is, how crucial self-regulation is in the process, and how to recognize when they are experiencing codependency vs co-regulation.

QUICK CASE EXAMPLE:

I will share what this typically looks like in session. We will call the couple, Jess and Mike.

Jess comes home from a tough day at work. She had her bi-annual performance review and was hurt and angry when she was told she was not up for a promotion she felt she earned. She walks in the door and begins to share with Mike, “I had a horrible day today, I am unappreciated at work and I am exhausted and feel like I am done with corporate life.”

Mike shares, “yeah, that sucks, you know how it goes babe, try not to take it personally. You know how good you are, that’s all that matters.”

Jess begins to cry and shares, “you don’t get it at all, nobody gets it, nevermind, I should have figured you would say something like that…how can I not take it personally Mike! Really?! Well, you know what else matters? My performance review! It matters for promotions, it matters for bonuses, it matters for raises. UGH, forget it! (Jess did not clearly state what she needed from Mike and was triggered by his response leading to escalation and shutdown).

Mike then escalates, “You’ve got to be kidding me, so you are angry at me now? I stopped everything I was doing to be here for you and it was not good enough, as usual. Forget it? seriously? okay, forgotten!” (Mike was unable to remain grounded and self-regulate once he was triggered).

They brought this sequence to their next couples session to discuss…

What happened here? Jess was upset and Mike tried to validate and share but that was not what Jess wanted or needed to hear in that moment. Jess became elevated and escalated. Mike met her with a calm demeanor but quickly escalated as well. Now we have two partners that are struggling to regulate themselves.

Mike was unable to be a safe haven for Jess, and Jess was not able to express what she needed clearly enough to Mike to set him up for success. They both eventually shutdown after feeling misunderstood.

They both wanted connection but struggled to find their way back to one another because what they needed to do first was access inner calm and then trust that it was safe to re-engage.

They both needed to self-regulate prior to re-engaging.

Can you imagine this happening to you?

Imagine a day you had a tough encounter with someone and came home feeling upset and/or triggered. You turn to your partner for emotional support and they try their best to be there for you, and you STILL don’t feel better.

You get angry with them because you are still not calm. You feel frustrated at them because you are still unhappy. You don’t feel seen by them because you are still elevated and your heart rate is not slowing down. How can they be “your person” and not know the magic words or gesture that will make this all feel better? The person that can make your anxious body feel safe. The one that will bring calm to your fight or flight tendencies. It is clearly their fault, right?

Well…

Not exactly.

These days the conversations regarding nervous system regulation are all the buzz. Something impacts us negatively, we feel an uncomfortable emotion such as anxiety, nervousness, shutting down, sadness, irritation, or anger and we turn to our partner and IF whatever it is that they say does not make the feeling go away…

What happens next?

Usually escalation or shutting down, and that often leads to conflict. You might even get mad at them and blame them. Good ol’ displaced anger/uncomfortable emotions that you are now directing at them.

Has this happened to you? The chances are high that it has at some point…because it happens in MANY relationships.

It happens when you turn towards your partner either consciously or unconsciously hoping for that moment when they will do or say the MAGIC THING that will make it all go away…

The expectation or at least the hope is that you as my partner will, should, can, make me feel better. There is the thought that turning towards your partner will create inner calm. Oftentimes, it does soothe us when we are comforted by our partner, after all, we are wired for closeness.

When we are dysregulated, we need help. Conflict and stress replicate trauma in our brains and we, as human beings are unable to focus on higher brain functioning when our brain is focusing on survival.

Earlier this year, I became a Certified Interpersonal Neurobiology clincian because I am fascinated about how our brains and our upbringing influence us and our relationships. IPNB, created by Dr. Dan Siegel, supports us with understanding that when our autonomic nervous system leads to an arousal state of fight, flight, or freeze it is extremely challenging to problem solve. We are unable to access our prefrontal cortex (part of the brain responsible for higher functioning skills) when we are experiencing difficult, and/or strong emotions.

Let’s normalize the fact that sometimes we get triggered and that there is a possibility of becoming dysregulated!

Understanding this as something that happens to everyone to some degree and acquiring tools to support you when you are experiencing this state is crucial. We are capable of altering our states, however, it takes time, tools, and intention to be able to change states with ease. Learning to validate ourselves and self-soothe are the first steps.

KEY QUESTION: Just something to think about…the question I ALWAYS ask myself, my friends, and my clients, “what did you do for yourself to support you with self-regulation and/or identifying your needs prior to turning towards your partner?“

That answer will tell me a lot. It will let me know if the person “activated”/who needs support, is able to recognize that they need support (self-awareness), and able to ask their partner for what they need or want support to look like.

TIP: Even if what gets communicated while in a dysregulated state is you being able to share with your partner, “I am feeling dysregulated and am trying to calm myself down, can you support me?” is HUGE!

It immediately lets your partner know that this requires them to hold space. This heightens their awareness, and as a result, their ability to self-regulate and support the co-regulation process.

If their process usually looks like emotional outsourcing, I will now be trying to rule out, or identify codependency. Is this person becoming over-reliant on their partner to emotionally regulate?

SIGNS THAT THIS MAY BE CODEPENDENCY:

  • Rather than turning inward and reflecting on what you can do to self-regulate, the focus is on what your partner did “wrong” or what they did not do.
  • If your partner is not available, you are dysregulated and anxious, or feel unsafe and are unable to calm yourself down on your own.
  • You rely on them EVERY time you want to access a calm state.
  • You have outsourced your ability to self-soothe to your partner and if you do not feel better afterwards, you blame them.
  • You require your partners validation to feel valued.
  • Your only/main tool to support you with regulating your emotions is your partner.
  • You are unable to identify what you need without their support.

I am a huge advocate and have led talks and written articles and blogs about creating emotional safety in relationships, validating your partner (and yourself), and watching your tone and body language when you speak.

In fact, the benefits of holding space for your partner when you are practicing co-regulation leads to the natural decrease of the stress hormone, cortisol.

What is not beneficial? When partners make it their partner’s responsibility to “make” them feel better.

Essentially, what I am seeing more and more of in therapy are couples coming in and sharing that oftentimes when they go to their partner, their partner does not support them the way they need or want to be supported.

What makes this so interesting is that when a couple comes in for session, the person who needs, wants, and may be asking for support may not know what they need and then they get angry at their partner for not knowing either!

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes partners do know, through observation, time spent together, intuition, etc. but having that expectation can be both problematic and unfair.

Why?

Because your partner is not a mind reader. What may have worked to support you with calming down yesterday may not be what you need today, and the fact that they are there listening to you usually means that their noble intent is to be supportive.

They may be trying their very best, based on what is happening for them, to be there for you. When you have an interaction with your partner and you do not feel “better” afterwards ask yourself:

How exactly am I feeling right now?

What do I need in this moment?

What were my expectations of my partner during our conversation?

Why am I still not feeling better?

Do I feel grounded within myself? If not, what can I do (deep breathing, walking, etc) to feel grounded and calm?

Did I express my needs clearly to my partner?

If you are struggling to calm down, if you feel out of control, if you are still angry and you are escalating and doing or saying things you do not mean it is because YOU ARE STRUGGLING TO SELF-REGULATE.

YES, YOU!

Now, of course this does not mean that your partner does not get to show up for you. This in no way means that you “should” not be able to turn to your partner for support in your times of need, want, or distress. What it does mean is:

You get to take ownership around the way YOU show up for YOURSELF!

How do you self-regulate?

What do you do when your partner is not around to support you?

How do you ask your partner for support?

Part of how I work with couples is guiding each partner to learn more about their own process. Understanding what it means to be conscious and present. Understanding that if you are seeking an emotionally mature, loving relationship, where BOTH PARTNERS feel seen, heard, and supported…It will require you to do your INDIVIDUAL “WORK.”

The healthiest relationships include both self-regulation AND co-regulation.

Now, onto co-regulation…

WHEN CO-REGULATION BEGINS AND WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR BODY

Co-regulation in romantic relationships is when both partners’ nervous systems help eachothers nervous system feel calm, safe, seen, and balanced. This can be a beautifully connecting experience. It is also something that we see in the healthiest, most well adjusted relationships.

Co-regulation creates safety and emotional closeness. Positive co-regulation stimulates the production of oxytocin, known as the love hormone or bonding hormone which is released during nurturing interactions.

As children, we learn co-regulation from our caregivers and that process begins at birth. This happens before we learn how to self-regulate. The sound of a primary caregivers voice, their presence, their touch, and overall responsiveness to us is something that makes us feel safe and ultimately makes us feel loved.

According to, From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Science of Early Childhood Development.National Research Council (US) and Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Integrating the Science of Early Childhood Development; Shonkoff JP, Phillips DA, editors.Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2000.  “In caring for infants, parents are acting as extensions of their internal regulatory systems.” 

This helps with our understanding of how come it can be extremely comforting for us to be emotionally held and witnessed by our partner. That support was one of the first things we experienced in our lives!

It is a biological process where your nervous system is able to access calm and be soothed from its connection with another person. Learning to co-regulate with your partner promotes better physical and mental health, better sleep, and resilience. Connection is a biological need and creating a flow and rhythm with your partner ensures cohesiveness and emotional safety.

Being in close proximity, touch, and eye contact with one another creates physiological coherence by syncing your heart rate and breathing patterns. Your body relaxes and your pre-frontal cortex comes back online moving from a reactive or shutdown state to a more logical state of mind.

When we are able to experience co-regulation with our partner, it is a sign that we feel safe in their presence and can soften and breathe more deeply. Our heart rate slows and we feel supported. Support extended in such a way can lead to increased vulnerability and deeper feelings of love.

WHAT CO-REGULATION IS AND WHAT IT IS NOT!

  • IS NOT: Co-regulation is not co-dependency. It is not dependency rooted in one another’s wounds and creating an unhealthy dynamic of dependency. It is not you holding your partner solely responsible for your emotional experience.Again, co-regulation is NOT about emotional outsourcing.
  • IS: Co-regulation is being able to turn towards your partner to stay grounded when you have been triggered/activated. It is about them supporting you by being attentive and showing genuine concern through their presence.

  • IS NOT: Co-regulation is not relinquishing your autonomy.
  • IS: Trusting that your partner is able to emotionally attune to you and will not behave like they are the authority of your experience.

  • IS NOT: Co-regulation is not a replacement for learning how to self-regulate.
  • IS: An opportunity for deeper emotional intimacy because it lets you have the experience of not having to figure it out alone.

Benefits of Co-regulation in Romantic Relationships:

  • De-escalation happens faster during conflict.
  • Emotional intimacy increases.
  • Deeper trust is established.
  • Partners feel safe being vulnerable and seen in their authenticity.
  • Couples feel more like true partners.
  • Decrease in cortisol (stress hormone) and increase of oxytocin (love/bonding hormone).

Two phrases that push partners away and create distance:

  1. “That sounds like a personal problem.”
  2. “It is your job to deal with your own emotions.”

Those two phrases can harm a relationship and communicate to your partner that you are unable and/or unwilling to support them. Co-regulation is a way you can hold space for your partner. It is a gesture of love in its purest form…you are seeing your partner and attuning to their needs.

7 HEALTHY WAYS TO CO-REGULATE

  • Be fully present with your partner – a calming presence will immediately send a signal to them that they are safe and not alone.
  • Attune to them – ask them if they are able to identify what they need or how you can best support them. Pay attention to what they say as well as their non-verbal cues. Sometimes your mere presence is all that is needed.
  • Use validating statements – let them know that you are there for them and share warm and validating statements such as, “I understand how you can feel that way my love and I am here for you” etc.
  • Stay grounded and do not take anything personally – even if you are triggered, use your tools to stay grounded and calm in order to support them with de-escalating and feeling calm.
  • Show up in love – remember that this is your partner, someone you love, and make a decision to show up with and in love for your partner, yourself, and your relationship in that moment.
  • Physical touch – if you partner agrees, offer them a hug, gentle touch, or hold their hand. This gesture of touch directly triggers oxytocin release and will immediately decrease cortisol.
  • Remember, YOU MATTER TOO – while showing up for your partner by creating a safe space, you also get to ensure that you are taking care of yourself. This means ensuring you are maintaining your own physical, emotional, and mental well-being and sense of self through differentiation. Stay grounded in your own body nervous system through your breath and validate your partner without taking on the responsibility of fixing the problem. Your self-regulation and groundedness supports you and will help your partner regulate as well.

Article Takeaways:

  • Healthy relationships require both self-regulation and co-regulation.
  • Self regulation is essential for co-regulation.
  • Getting angry with your partner because they “don’t make you feel better” after you turn to them does not mean that they did something wrong. If they are trying, give your partner the benefit of the doubt around their intention to show up for you.
  • Learning how to self-regulate ensures you are showing up for yourself and the relationship.
  • Self-regulation is necessary for your partner to feel emotionally safe and for you to be able to hold a safe space for them.
  • Co-regulation does not take the place of being able to self-regulate.
  • The oxytocin released through healthy co-regulation supports keeping cortisol at bay.
  • Co-regulation is not co-dependency.
  • Emotional outsourcing puts the responsibility to make you feel better on your partner.
  • Co-regulation creates deeper relationships and connection with greater intimacy and trust.
  • Connection deepens when we remain connected to ourselves while opening our hearts to others.

Next Steps for Partners:

  1. Check in with yourself around your relationship with self-regulation and list your go-to tools for self-soothing.
  2. Check in with one another around your key takeaways from the article.
  3. Each partner can share ways in which they appreciate being supported by one another when they are experiencing dysregulation.
  4. If either of you believe you are in a co-dependent relationship, discuss the reasons why and how you can move towards co-regulation to create a healthier dynamic.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your partner, and your relationship is learning how to self-regulate. When two partners know how to hold space for themselves, they are better able to hold space for eachother! This is how we create healthy relationships and grow into, Our Perfect Us! As individuals and as a couple!

Promoting accountability, emotional connection, authenticity, and heart-centered relationships rooted in love.

With love,

Tamara Thompson, LMFT

Couples and Consideration: These Two Simple Questions will Revamp Your Relationship!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

“Hey, did you even consider me in your decision making process?” “Did you think about how I might feel about that?” “Did it cross your mind that your decision can have a negative impact on our relationship?”

“Do you even SEE ME?!?”

Have you ever asked your partner any of those questions? Have you heard your partner share those sentiments with you? If so, you are definitely not alone and you’ve come to the right place!

Who doesn’t want to be and feel considered? Emphasis on the word, “feel,” because oftentimes, partners will say that they are considering their partner and the issue is that the consideration is not landing, not resonating, or simply not “hitting” for their partner.

Just because you are considering your partner, does not mean that they feel considered. For those of you that studied Hamlet in school, you may remember the phrase, “Ay, and there lies the rub!” In other words, therein is where the problem lies!

What you are doing to consider your partner may not be viewed by them as consideration. Therefore may go unseen, overlooked, invalidated, and unappreciated.

I am about to drive this point home because this is something that literally comes up in the therapy room nearly every single day I have sessions. While I do not like to use absolutes, I’ve been observing this for years and it comes up in some way every single day I have held sessions.

Let’s start by defining consideration. Consideration is a noun. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is a “continuous and careful thought” and “a matter weighed or taken into account when formulating an opinion or plan.”

Is that not what most of us want? to be taken into account? Knowing that your partner will be thinking about how their actions will impact you? To be considered can make us feel safe. To be considered can make us feel our partner’s love.

Questions for YOU...

  • Do you consider your partner in your decision making process?
  • Do you consider yourself in your decision making process?
  • Do you know your process? (Do you usually consider your partner before yourself? Do you consider yourself and forget to consider your partner? What weighs more to you? Does it depend? If so, what does it depend on?)

Consideration matters. It is a whole discussion.

It is the difference between feeling like you are creating a safe space where you feel seen and considered or creating a space where one or both partners feel unseen, less important, and/or not considered.

Do you currently feel like your partner does not get you? does not see you? and does not care how you are impacted by their decisions? Do you use your voice?

Do you see your partner? Do you notice their gestures of love? Are you aware of the things they do to support you? The ways in which they are considering you?

Self-Consideration and Consideration of your Partner: WHICH WAY ARE YOU TILTED?

Tilted towards self-consideration: When you consider yourself first and foremost and your partner is either a secondary thought or not a thought at all, they will probably feel it. It will show up in the relationship in some way. It can be challenging for some individuals who have not had to consider others in their decision making in the past. If you are accustomed to only considering your own needs, being completely independent and autonomous, then making the transition to sharing your life with someone and now having another person to consider can be hard. This comes up for many couples I meet with during the first couple of years into their relationship and it is something you want to get ahead of early. Especially if one is always considering the other and that is not reciprocated.

If this process of decision making continues, your partner will more than likely feel disconnected and unseen. They may feel as if their needs and wants are not important to you and that they are not equally valued in the relationship. Being honest with yourself is important. There is a difference between considering your partner and them not feeling or seeing it, and not considering your partner at all.

While we absolutely get to consider ourselves and check in on ourselves first. The issues usually arise when there is only the consideration of self and there is little to no consideration of your partner.

Tilted towards consideration of your partner: This is also not the best space to be in. Why? Although your spouse/partner may appreciate you always leaning into what works best for them and making them happy, if you ignore or abandon your own needs, you are not considering yourself. When you are not considering yourself and your partner is also not considering you, it leads to an imbalance in the relationship that can also lead to resentment, disconnection, and even depression. Relationships where one person feels happy and fulfilled and the other is having a completely different experience happens often. It especially happens when one partner does not feel seen and supported.

Struggling to consider yourself can also happen if you grew up in a household where you were either instrumentally or emotionally parentified (asked/made to take on developmentally inappropriate adult roles as a child) or your needs were not considered, you may get into a relationship and recreate that very dynamic. You may take on the role of being sacrificial, because that is a role you are familiar with. What can happen next is the creation of a relationship where you are dismissing your needs and teaching your partner to not consider your needs as well!

There can and will be times in our relationships where we lean in to our partner and that is a beautiful dance couples do throughout the years. Taking turns taking the lead and/or leaning in can keep things flowing, it can lead to an organic expansion of self and the relationship. What you want to be mindful of is if you usually tilt all the way to either side of the continuum to the point where a long-term imbalance is created and one partner’s needs are usually not met.

What type of relationship are you currently co-creating?

TWO QUESTIONS TO ENSURE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER FEEL CONSIDERED:

  1. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MYSELF?
  2. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MY PARTNER?

WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, you and your partner get to determine what your unique relationship looks like. Regardless of how your relationship is structured, consideration of all parties involved usually leads to deeper connection and fulfillment.

Formula for a healthy dynamic where when making decisions you:

1st: Consider yourself, how might this help you, support you, expand you and in what ways? Essentially, what are the pros and cons for you?

2nd: Consider your partner, how might the decision impact them? Based on what you know about them, their value system, and what they have shared with you, how might this decision make them feel? While we do not want to make assumptions, we do want to be able to share with our partner the ways in which we considered them.

  • An answer, conclusion, and decision usually works best when those two questions are answered. When both partners feel seen, heard, valued, and CONSIDERED in the decision.

Together, collaboratively, with open hearts and ready to listen and validate, share with one another, how each of you feel the decision may impact the relationship. The relationship “belongs” to you both. Understanding your individual needs is vital in creating a relationship that works for both of you.

Consideration Case Study – Jonathan and Hannah

Jonathan gets offered a promotion. The increase in salary will support the household with more financial security and opportunity. However, the promotion comes with more responsibility, and he will have less free time. Jonathan is ambitious and believes this is the best next step for him and therefore, for his relationship. His main focus is advancing in his career, he is very happy working at his company, and is excited about the possibility of bringing more money into the household. Jonathan has worked hard for this and is proud of himself!

His partner, Hannah has been feeling unseen and disconnected from Jonathan. She works in education and when she leaves her job at 5:30pm everyday, she does not “bring work home” with her. Hannah often feels she is in “competition with his job.” She cares less about the finances and believes they need to make their relationship more of a priority. She would like Jonathan to be content with the position he currently has with less responsibility or find a new job that pays more and requires less hours. The last thing she wants is for him to take on more responsibility at his current job. She believes his lack of boundaries with his job is a reflection of his lack of prioritization of her needs in the relationship.

After Jonathan learnes about his promotion, he comes home with flowers for Hannah and excited to share his news, stating, “Guess what honey, everything is going to change, I have wonderful news.” Hannah, is excited because she only receives flowers on her birthday and has not experienced this level of enthsiasm from Jonathan in quite sometime. As she grabs a vase for her flowers she is also filled with curiousity and hope. She is looking forward to hearing what Jonathan has to share, believing that he has finally heard her and is going to let her know how he has considered her. She is feeling seen and considered because of his gestures, his tone, and his enthusiasm.

Jonathan proceeds to share, “I did it, I got the promotion babe. Our lives are going to get so much better! We can finally remodel the kitchen and get some other things done!” Hannah, has a tough time holding it together and becomes emotional. She begins to sob and Jonathan is confused. Just like that she feels unseen, unconsidered. He too feels unseen, unappreciated, and unsupported. They reach out to me for their first couples session!

What happened here? Hannah did not feel like Jonathan took her into consideration and did not consider how excited Jonathan was about his promotion. Jonathan felt excited to share his “good news” but may not have considered how Hannah would feel about it. Both of them thought about the relationship. However, they were thinking about the relationship through their individual lenses.

Hannah expressed:

  • “He said that HE, “did it”, I, I, I…it is always about him. He doesn’t even think about me or ask me about major decisions.”
  • “The priority to me right now is our connection and our intimacy. This will take away more of what we do not have enough of, TIME.”
  • “I feel like his main relationship is with work and I feel like his mistress begging for time.”
  • “No matter how many times I tell him I miss him and need him, he does nothing about it. It is obvious that my feelings don’t matter to Jonathan.”

Jonathan expressed:

  • “Is she serious right now? this is the best thing that can happen for us right now.”
  • “I worked hard for this, she is not even happy for or proud of me. She is never my cheerleader.”
  • “She is the one being selfish, I am just trying to make sure we are secure. I feel so unappreciated.”
  • “Everything I do, I do for us, I find it insulting that she say I am not considering her, she is ALL I am considering.”

Jonathan believes he is considering himself, his wife, and their lives together in terms of stability. Hannah believes she is considering herself and their relationship in terms of connection and emotional fulfillment.

I gave them the homework of these three questions:

  1. How are you considering yourself and the impact that Jonathan taking the promotion will have on you as an individual?
  2. How are you considering what Jonathan has shared with you regarding his thoughts and feelings about the decision to take the promotion? Why do you believe it is important to/for him?
  3. How do you believe this decision will impact your relationship?
    • What are the current needs of your relationship?
    • What are ways this decision may bring you closer?
    • What are ways this decision may create more distance?

THE CONVERSATION

Remember, in terms of considering your partner, It is not about how YOU want to consider your partner. It is about how your partner wants to be considered. WHAT THEY ARE ULTIMATELY EXPRESSING IS WHAT WILL SUPPORT THEM WITH FEELING YOUR LOVE.

Consideration is needed to feel emotionally safe in your relationship. Consideration is vital to feeling loved. Navigating partner and self consideration in love takes intention.

You want to go back into the conversation able to discuss the three questions I gave Jonathan and Hannah in depth. It will take introspection, consideration, and compassion. Are you considering what your partner has expressed is important to them? How are you showing up for yourself? How are you showing up for your partner?

You are ready to begin the conversation when you are able to present:

  1. Here is how I am considering myself.
  2. Here is how I am considering what you have shared is important to you.

You want to be able to identify how you have considered yourself AND your partner in your decision making. If you have children and/or pets, you want to also think about how you have considered the other members of your household.

Reaching a decision where you both feel seen and considered is not always easy. If you find yourselves at an impasse, consider seeking additional support, such as couples therapy. Sometimes there are conflicting needs and/or wants. It does not have to lead to resentment or mean the end of your relationship. It can present an opportunity to dig deeper and work together to find a way to move forward in partnership and in love.

Your relationship needs you both. How are each of you considering your relationship?

Consideration of myself + Consideration of my partner = Consideration of the Relationship. In order to reach a solution/conclusion/decision that will work for the relationship, both partners get to be considered.

TAKE ACTION NOW!

When you feel disconnected, detached, and indifferent in your relationship, there is no time to wait, there is no time to waste. The time to take action is NOW. If you still want your relationship to be healthy and thrive, do not make the fatal mistake so many people make, which is they believe they have limitless time.

Even the strongest relationships need time, they need to be nurtured, and as you continue to grow as individuals, couples need time to understand the changes that are happening within themselves and in the world around them so that they can grow together.

For all those who have asked the question, “How can I get my partner to consider me?” Please share this article with them to ensure you are both considering one another.

If you take one thing away from this article, let it be this…

YOU MATTER, THEY MATTER, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP MATTERS. ENSURE YOUR ACTIONS ARE A REFLECTION OF THAT AWARENESS AND ARE IN ALIGNMENT WITH YOUR HEART!

Do I Make You Feel Special? Couples: 5 Questions to Find Out!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Come on, admit it, most of us want to feel special. We especially want our partners to treat us like they consider us special. There are even phrases that have become part of our culture, have you ever been asked the question, “is there a special someone in your life?” Feeling special is linked to feeling loved, safe and valued. We will explore this more and I will share an exercise/homework I use in couples therapy to support couples with having that conversation.

Oh the art of coupledom, it certainly is a lifestyle choice! I recognize that I decided to work with couples for multiple reasons, one major reason being, I happen to love couples. I do believe it is courageous to make a decision to be committed to share life, time, money, energy, and your body with another person. I have written blogs on how to validate your partner, how to make your partner feel safe, how to work on yourself to support your own personal growth and the relationship. I often talk about owning your role, validating your partner, creating emotional safety, identifying triggers, and taking accountability for the current state of your relationship. I wrote a journal to help people heal from an infidelity and a workbook on how to practice self-love after a breakup.

My hope, goal, and heart all want to support couples with not getting to the point where they are looking outside of their relationship because they do not feel special. Some feel the need to end their relationship because they do not feel loved, seen, or prioritized. Many times, they too have a role in how the relationship got there, either because they have not identified or are not clearly expressing their needs, or they too have not been showing up in a way that resonates for their partner. For some, the desire to feel “special” to their partner, impacts their overall happiness.

Does your partner make you feel special?

Better yet, when was the last time you made them feel special? (I am all about accountability).

You are already special, it is crucial that you know and feel that within yourself. Depending on another person to make you feel special in order to feel valuable or worthy is a recipe for disaster. However, if you know your value and worth, if you practice self-love and are fulfilled from within, it feels pretty great when your life partner reflects that back to you and when YOU REFLECT THAT BACK TO THEM!

Now some may argue or push back and share, “we can not make someone feel anything.” Emphasis on the “make.” However, there are actions, words, and love languages that when extended to your partner, can elicit feelings of love, safety, and appreciation and that can make a person feel, dare I say it? Special. More specifically, special to YOU.

You are not responsible for “making” your partner feel special. However, if you consider them special to you, why would you not want to let them know it with your words and actions?

Being a loving and supportive partner means that you do things because you want to, not because you “have to.” You may not necessarily “want to” do a specific thing, however the hope is that you are driven by the want and desire to see your partner happy, to witness how they express themselves when they feel loved and valued, and you want to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Both partner’s get to show up for one another and create an environment of reciprocity and investment in one another’s happiness.

This is not simply ego based. For every missed opportunity to connect, there is the potential release of the stress hormones of adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. Whenever we feel loved, seen, and special, there is a release of the “happy hormones” of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin (love hormone), and endorphins. Research shows that healthy relationships lead to longer, more fulfilling lives, as well as better mental and physical health. While unhappy/unfulfilling relationships can lead to more ailments and depression.

When I ask the question in therapy, “What do you do that makes your partner feel special?’ I am met with the following responses:

  1. I make sure I cook a healthy meal everyday to ensure they are getting the nutrients they need.
  2. They are the person I tell my secrets and insecurities to.
  3. I married them (or moved in with them), so they obviously know they are special.
  4. I make sure they have what they need such as gas in their car, a ride to work, their favorite beverage in the refrigerator.
  5. We have sex.
  6. I get dressed up when we go out to show them I still care about how I present myself when we spend time together.
  7. I tell them I love them everyday.
  8. I serve them their meal first when we eat.
  9. They are the first person I call when I hear good (or bad) news.
  10. They know I would put them before any other person in my life.

Those are some of the most popular replies. They all sound pretty solid. They are thoughtful gestures, they definitely show care, so what’s wrong with those responses?

Actually, nothing at all. However, just because something makes a person feel cared for and loved, does not mean that it makes them feel “special.”

According to Merriam-Webster the definition of Special is “distinguished by some unusual quality,” “held in particular esteem”… “held in particular esteem.”

The examples above are loving, thoughtful gestures we get to keep in mind that what makes one feel cared for is not necessarily what makes them feel “special,” and just because something makes you feel special, doesn’t mean it lands in the same way for your partner.

We as human beings do a great job at of pointing out when someone else falls short. We know when we have been triggered, feel hurt, unseen, and undesirable. Usually, we get angry and feel hurt when our partner does not do the things that make us feel like they value us, see us, and desire us. We all deserve to be in a relationship where we feel valued and respected. Who does not want to be loved and desired by their partner?

My question to you is, when was the last time you made your partner feel special?

How do you know?

I will share a brief case study:

Joanna and Randy have been married for only two years when they came in for therapy because Randy was feeling “unseen” by Joanna. Randy shared that Joanna no longer made him feel “special” stating, “she treats me like she treats everyone else, other than sex, there is nothing that belongs to only us.”

Joanna, frustrated shared that Randy, “is being ridiculous, I let him use the bathroom first in the morning, I pick up his favorite dessert periodically, I do things ALL THE TIME to make him feel special.”

Randy went on to share that although he appreciates those things, they do not make him feel special. When asked what makes him feel special, Randy shared things he missed and longed for such as, “asking me for my opinion,” “greeting me with a kiss when I come through the door,” “giving me/us undivided attention when we talk.” He went on to share that he was hurt when Joanna took her best friend to a wine bar that had previously been “their spot,” and that he no longer feels like it is “their special place.”

Joanna was able to validate Randy while also sharing that some of those things were off of her radar. She was unaware how much Randy valued them and how he was impacted. We continued to discuss what makes Joanna feel special and she shared, “I feel special everyday, just by being Randy’s wife.”

Lesson…feeling special is different for different people. Some may value conversations and feeling heard, some may value feeling sexually desired, some may value feeling safe, some may value feeling/being treated as if they are “special.” Special meaning, they are receiving something that no one else receives. It makes them feel loved and it usually makes them feel safe.

An Exercise Straight out of Couples Therapy

Complete the following sentences and answer the following questions in preparation for your conversation:

  1. I feel special to you when you _______________________________.
  2. I feel most appreciated by you when you do/say ____________________.
  3. I try to show you I consider you special by ________________.
  4. Something I do for you that I do not do for others is ________________.
  5. The last time you made me feel special was when you _______________.

Carve out time to discuss your answers:

  1. Set aside intentional time, put the phone down, and ensure there are no interruptions.
  2. Have a pen and paper handy in case you want to keep notes.
  3. Allow your partner to fully share without interruption.
  4. Be honest with what comes up for you and hold a safe space for your partner by not being defensive or reactive.
  5. KEEP IT POSITIVE! Do not use blaming or shaming language. You are sharing what you appreciate, not what they are doing/not doing “wrong.”
  6. Stay curious, ask questions, and get deep!
  7. Validate what they share, remember, what makes a person feel special is unique and personal.
  8. DO NOT TAKE any of what they share personally or label it as a criticism/critique.

You will change over time and so will your partner. Therefore your relationship changing is inevitable. It is crucial to have periodic check in’s to ensure you are on the same page and that all your effort to make your partner feel special is not in vain. Every now and then, people like to feel special, prioritized, and “help in particular esteem.”

Each person is unique, equally valuable, and deserving of love. We are all uniquely special and it is crucial that we know this within ourselves. We can not seek from outside of us, what gets to originate/be birthed within us. When we choose to be in partnership, it is good to know and feel that your partner values and sees you. However, we do not get to depend on our partners to provide us with the security and love that gets to come from within.

The purpose of this blog is to serve as a reminder that we get to be proactive in our relationships, we get to continue to ask questions, and get to know the latest versions of ourselves and our partners.

When was the last time you made your partner feel special? Maybe it’s time to find out, ask them!

With Love, Tamara

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