Ego, ego, my ever present ego, although I constructed thee with the help of society, I no longer want you to be a part of me. I get to discover the truth in me, the soul of me, the authentic beauty of “we” – TDK
What if this blame/shame game could really come to an end? Why do we have such a hard time hearing and understanding one another? Is it your partner’s fault? Are you waiting for your partner to change? How about doing something different? How about changing something about yourself?
In order to do so, keep one thing in mind, it will not be easy. In fact, it will probably be one of the toughest things you do in life, primarily because the force to be reckoned with is not your partner, what is at the root of the communication glitches is not necessarily you either. It is something much more complicated, oh yes, though part of you, it does not have to define you….IT’S YOUR EGO!
It is impossible for things to stay the same if you change. If you do not show up to a conversation relying on your old script and playing out your role the same way you have in the past, it is impossible for the conversation to stay the same. Yes, of course, when individuals within the couple relationship work on themselves while simultaneously working on their couple relationship, the results can be outstanding and real change can happen at an increased rate. However, this does not mean that you have to wait until your partner makes the first move (your ego may have you convinced that your partner is the one that has to make the changes, not you!).
I currently work with couples who are both working on communicating differently, however the clients I see for individual therapy are also experiencing shifts in their couple relationship due to the changes they are making and the work they are doing on an individual basis around putting their ego to the side and practicing more vulnerability.
How about this? How about coming to the table with the intention that YOU will show up differently? That you will rewrite your script (same old way you have been communicating) and include validation, acceptance, and understanding in your responses? What about not internalizing what your partner shares, because although the ego would like you to believe it is always about you, rude awakening for most of us is, it is not always about us and we do not get to own everything!
Sometimes it is about our partner and the external variables in their lives, outside of us, which are causing them to respond to us differently. Oh fragile ego, step aside and allow me the ability to see things solely from my partners perspective. What an amazing concept. When we put our ego to the side and allow ourselves to understand the perspective of our partner, it opens up the door to understanding, safety, and connection.
3 Healthy and helpful tools to expedite change, to place your ego aside, and to connect with your partner that will lead to healthy communication:
- Set your intention for how you would like to show up for the conversation. What is it that you are working on and working towards and how will your actions/words support your goal during the conversation. You are not only doing this for the sake of the relationship, this is a growth opportunity for individuals. Your intentions should be rooted in something you recognize you would like to change about yourself in order to become a more effective communicator. Examples of what you can do: “I set my intention to (________)” and create your personal intention which can be filled in with, “not interrupt my partner when they are speaking,” “validate my partners feelings prior to sharing my thoughts and feelings,” “not blame my partner,” “give my partner eye contact,” “not walk away,” “let my defenses down/be more vulnerable,” etc.
- The accountability factor. You get to own your role! When you own your role in how you and your partner reached the point to where you are arguing/feeling disconnected, start the conversation with what you recognize you did to contribute to the current state of the relationship. In doing so you are practicing self-awareness, you are taking ownership, and you are creating an opportunity for your partner to let their defenses down because they are not feeling blamed. Recognizing and sharing your awareness of your role creates a shift in a conversation because couples go from pointing the finger at one another to looking inward in a compassionate way. It is not about being wrong or right, it is about recognizing how you ended up where you are and how you can both do something different to have a different outcome next time.
- Ego, you are being placed in a permanent time out! Imagine placing your ego in time out and allowing your defenses to go down, in an effort to practice vulnerability and not make what your partner is sharing about you. The ego has a funny way of drowning out what your partner is trying to share with you by going into self-preservation/survival mode, the ego gets so loud it becomes impossible to navigate both your ego and your partner at the same time. Visualize seating your ego somewhere else or compartmentalizing your ego for the length of your conversation with your partner. The mistake most of us make is that we internalize (that’s your ego again) what our partner is sharing. We think about how things are going to impact us and about what it means about or for us. In our vanity, if our partner is behaving distant, we must have done something wrong, if our partner is happy, it is because we “make” them happy, if our partner is angry, we must have triggered them. The most important piece is that you are able to hear and listen to understand your partner and their perspective. You may have triggered them, there may be something you did that is triggering them to behave a certain way, however it may also have nothing to do with you. Be open to hearing your partner, and trust what they share, otherwise known as their truth. If you internalize, and make it about yourself, it will be impossible to hear your partner in an open, loving, and unguarded way. A way in which we all deserve to be heard.
When couples practice the tools provided, whether one or all three, growth and genuine change happen. Even if your partner is not entirely bought in, if you practice the tools, the dynamic will change.
Living in possibility that you can create the relationship you desire. If two people are equally invested, with the courage to learn more about themselves and in doing so, learn more about their partner they will be able to have more productive conversations, which will create a stronger connection and lead to couple satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationship. Continue to drown out the voice of the ego and listen to the voice of your partner because that is the voice that speaks directly to your soul and to your heart