couples therapy

Do I Make You Feel Special? Couples: 5 Questions to Find Out!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Come on, admit it, most of us want to feel special. We especially want our partners to treat us like they consider us special. There are even phrases that have become part of our culture, have you ever been asked the question, “is there a special someone in your life?” Feeling special is linked to feeling loved, safe and valued. We will explore this more and I will share an exercise/homework I use in couples therapy to support couples with having that conversation.

Oh the art of coupledom, it certainly is a lifestyle choice! I recognize that I decided to work with couples for multiple reasons, one major reason being, I happen to love couples. I do believe it is courageous to make a decision to be committed to share life, time, money, energy, and your body with another person. I have written blogs on how to validate your partner, how to make your partner feel safe, how to work on yourself to support your own personal growth and the relationship. I often talk about owning your role, validating your partner, creating emotional safety, identifying triggers, and taking accountability for the current state of your relationship. I wrote a journal to help people heal from an infidelity and a workbook on how to practice self-love after a breakup.

My hope, goal, and heart all want to support couples with not getting to the point where they are looking outside of their relationship because they do not feel special. Some feel the need to end their relationship because they do not feel loved, seen, or prioritized. Many times, they too have a role in how the relationship got there, either because they have not identified or are not clearly expressing their needs, or they too have not been showing up in a way that resonates for their partner. For some, the desire to feel “special” to their partner, impacts their overall happiness.

Does your partner make you feel special?

Better yet, when was the last time you made them feel special? (I am all about accountability).

You are already special, it is crucial that you know and feel that within yourself. Depending on another person to make you feel special in order to feel valuable or worthy is a recipe for disaster. However, if you know your value and worth, if you practice self-love and are fulfilled from within, it feels pretty great when your life partner reflects that back to you and when YOU REFLECT THAT BACK TO THEM!

Now some may argue or push back and share, “we can not make someone feel anything.” Emphasis on the “make.” However, there are actions, words, and love languages that when extended to your partner, can elicit feelings of love, safety, and appreciation and that can make a person feel, dare I say it? Special. More specifically, special to YOU.

You are not responsible for “making” your partner feel special. However, if you consider them special to you, why would you not want to let them know it with your words and actions?

Being a loving and supportive partner means that you do things because you want to, not because you “have to.” You may not necessarily “want to” do a specific thing, however the hope is that you are driven by the want and desire to see your partner happy, to witness how they express themselves when they feel loved and valued, and you want to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Both partner’s get to show up for one another and create an environment of reciprocity and investment in one another’s happiness.

This is not simply ego based. For every missed opportunity to connect, there is the potential release of the stress hormones of adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. Whenever we feel loved, seen, and special, there is a release of the “happy hormones” of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin (love hormone), and endorphins. Research shows that healthy relationships lead to longer, more fulfilling lives, as well as better mental and physical health. While unhappy/unfulfilling relationships can lead to more ailments and depression.

When I ask the question in therapy, “What do you do that makes your partner feel special?’ I am met with the following responses:

  1. I make sure I cook a healthy meal everyday to ensure they are getting the nutrients they need.
  2. They are the person I tell my secrets and insecurities to.
  3. I married them (or moved in with them), so they obviously know they are special.
  4. I make sure they have what they need such as gas in their car, a ride to work, their favorite beverage in the refrigerator.
  5. We have sex.
  6. I get dressed up when we go out to show them I still care about how I present myself when we spend time together.
  7. I tell them I love them everyday.
  8. I serve them their meal first when we eat.
  9. They are the first person I call when I hear good (or bad) news.
  10. They know I would put them before any other person in my life.

Those are some of the most popular replies. They all sound pretty solid. They are thoughtful gestures, they definitely show care, so what’s wrong with those responses?

Actually, nothing at all. However, just because something makes a person feel cared for and loved, does not mean that it makes them feel “special.”

According to Merriam-Webster the definition of Special is “distinguished by some unusual quality,” “held in particular esteem”… “held in particular esteem.”

The examples above are loving, thoughtful gestures we get to keep in mind that what makes one feel cared for is not necessarily what makes them feel “special,” and just because something makes you feel special, doesn’t mean it lands in the same way for your partner.

We as human beings do a great job at of pointing out when someone else falls short. We know when we have been triggered, feel hurt, unseen, and undesirable. Usually, we get angry and feel hurt when our partner does not do the things that make us feel like they value us, see us, and desire us. We all deserve to be in a relationship where we feel valued and respected. Who does not want to be loved and desired by their partner?

My question to you is, when was the last time you made your partner feel special?

How do you know?

I will share a brief case study:

Joanna and Randy have been married for only two years when they came in for therapy because Randy was feeling “unseen” by Joanna. Randy shared that Joanna no longer made him feel “special” stating, “she treats me like she treats everyone else, other than sex, there is nothing that belongs to only us.”

Joanna, frustrated shared that Randy, “is being ridiculous, I let him use the bathroom first in the morning, I pick up his favorite dessert periodically, I do things ALL THE TIME to make him feel special.”

Randy went on to share that although he appreciates those things, they do not make him feel special. When asked what makes him feel special, Randy shared things he missed and longed for such as, “asking me for my opinion,” “greeting me with a kiss when I come through the door,” “giving me/us undivided attention when we talk.” He went on to share that he was hurt when Joanna took her best friend to a wine bar that had previously been “their spot,” and that he no longer feels like it is “their special place.”

Joanna was able to validate Randy while also sharing that some of those things were off of her radar. She was unaware how much Randy valued them and how he was impacted. We continued to discuss what makes Joanna feel special and she shared, “I feel special everyday, just by being Randy’s wife.”

Lesson…feeling special is different for different people. Some may value conversations and feeling heard, some may value feeling sexually desired, some may value feeling safe, some may value feeling/being treated as if they are “special.” Special meaning, they are receiving something that no one else receives. It makes them feel loved and it usually makes them feel safe.

An Exercise Straight out of Couples Therapy

Complete the following sentences and answer the following questions in preparation for your conversation:

  1. I feel special to you when you _______________________________.
  2. I feel most appreciated by you when you do/say ____________________.
  3. I try to show you I consider you special by ________________.
  4. Something I do for you that I do not do for others is ________________.
  5. The last time you made me feel special was when you _______________.

Carve out time to discuss your answers:

  1. Set aside intentional time, put the phone down, and ensure there are no interruptions.
  2. Have a pen and paper handy in case you want to keep notes.
  3. Allow your partner to fully share without interruption.
  4. Be honest with what comes up for you and hold a safe space for your partner by not being defensive or reactive.
  5. KEEP IT POSITIVE! Do not use blaming or shaming language. You are sharing what you appreciate, not what they are doing/not doing “wrong.”
  6. Stay curious, ask questions, and get deep!
  7. Validate what they share, remember, what makes a person feel special is unique and personal.
  8. DO NOT TAKE any of what they share personally or label it as a criticism/critique.

You will change over time and so will your partner. Therefore your relationship changing is inevitable. It is crucial to have periodic check in’s to ensure you are on the same page and that all your effort to make your partner feel special is not in vain. Every now and then, people like to feel special, prioritized, and “help in particular esteem.”

Each person is unique, equally valuable, and deserving of love. We are all uniquely special and it is crucial that we know this within ourselves. We can not seek from outside of us, what gets to originate/be birthed within us. When we choose to be in partnership, it is good to know and feel that your partner values and sees you. However, we do not get to depend on our partners to provide us with the security and love that gets to come from within.

The purpose of this blog is to serve as a reminder that we get to be proactive in our relationships, we get to continue to ask questions, and get to know the latest versions of ourselves and our partners.

When was the last time you made your partner feel special? Maybe it’s time to find out, ask them!

With Love, Tamara

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Couples, Let’s Talk Tools: “The Four Agreements” to Enhance Communication and Connection!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Original Artwork: “Mi Amor” by Daria Borisova

Couples, are you interested in finding an activity to bond, grow, learn, and communicate more lovingly and effectively with one another? Learning together can cultivate a relationship of connection, attraction, and growth.

In this blog you will learn what The Four Agreements are, how they can support communication, transformation, and create emotional safety. You will be given relationship tools, individual sidenotes, and lastly, a couples assignment (homework) that I share with my clients!

I meet and work with SO MANY COUPLES who usually want and need at least one of the following: Deeper connection, more self-awareness, and communication tools. I work with couples in regular weekly sessions and have shorter “intensive journey packages,” that hone in on their dynamic and create unique interventions in a matter of a few days or weeks. Not all couples decide to go to therapy and even those who have, may need or want additional tools. Regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, there is a book that is a 3.5hr read or audible, with four precious agreements that when couples go through together, make a world of difference for their connection, self-awareness, and communication. That book is…

“The Four Agreements” by Don Miquel Ruiz

There are pieces of literature that come into our lives and guide us, inspire us, teach us, and challenge us. There are books that I hold dear to my heart as they have helped me on my own personal journey. Some challenge our intellect, some speak to our soul, while others truly warm our hearts.

For those out there that know my therapeutic approach to couples therapy, you know I am passionate about being authentically yourself, growing with one another, and continuously recalibrating the relationship allowing for growth, passion, and new vision to keep both partner’s not only engaged in their life together, but also feeling desired, safe, seen, and inspired. I recognize that’s ambitious. I also recognize that it is entirely possible.

Back to books. It was about a decade ago when a close colleague recommended this book to me, as it was recommended to her by a friend, many years prior. It is a book that supports humanity, not just clients, not just me, my colleague, and her friend. It is a simple read, yet it’s depth is as deep as the reader. It meets you where you are. The more you know yourself, the more of “the work” you’ve been doing, the more you will see, the deeper you will go.

Published in 1997 and according to my latest web search, The Four Agreements has sold over 12 million copies. and has been translated into 52 languages! Which means, that there is a strong likelihood that if you are reading this blog, you have read or at least heard of it. What makes it so special? I suppose there are various opinions around that question. I can share why I believe it is a MUST READ and how I have seen couples who read this book together experience major shifts in their communication, conflict resolution, connection, and overall happiness and fulfillment with themselves and in their relationship. They are able to go deeper as individuals and that shows up in their relationship!

“Remember, despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” – Matt Kahn

Why should everyone read this book?

I have clients in individual therapy read, “The Four Agreements” because it supports us with some of the most popular topics in therapy:

  1. Engaging in negative self-talk or not keeping your word with self and/or others. Being able to be trustworthy, people you care about being able to trust that your words and actions are aligned. You being able to hold true to the promises you make to yourself and learning to trust yourself. – Learning to be “BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD“
  2. ‘Personalizing most things, being defensive, making it about “you.” Internalizing what others share and often believing it is a judgment or something negative about you – Learning, “DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY” (and that means anything “good” or “bad”).
  3. Jumping to conclusions, thinking you can predict what others are going to do/say, you do not ask questions, and you determine (assume) what someone else’s actions mean – Learning, “DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS“
  4. Not fully executing, doubting your ability, not trying, doing things haphazardly/half way, knowing you can do better but choosing not to. It can also mean, overdoing things to the point of exhaustion or depletion and risking illness or burnout. – Focus on, “ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST” (not more, not less).

Do you experience any of the following in your couple dynamic?

  • You and/or your partner assume what the other is thinking and feeling, without them sharing.
  • You and/or your partner do not stay curious, and assume they know what is best for their partner.
  • You and/or your partner doubt that their partner is being forthcoming and transparent when asked questions. Examples: “Are you sure? Do you really mean it? Seriously, tell me if you want me to do it? Are you being 100% honest with me?”
  • You and/or your partner put your relationship on the back burner, give it minimal effort, believe you can get to it later.
  • You and your partner have what feels like the same argument and are defensive/experience defensiveness.
  • You and/or your partner do a huge amount for the relationship, giving more energy than you have to the point of exhaustion and then pull back, do much less, and feel resentful?
  • You and/or your partner take the actions, words, and mood of your partner personally. Do you make it about you and have a hard time holding space for them?
  • You and/or your partner hear things through a filter of, “what have I done wrong now?”
  • You and/or your partner are not 100% transparent and are sacrificing a need, not expressing a desire, or not sharing something that hurt your feelings in order to keep the peace or because you struggle with expressing your needs.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS as FOUR TOOLS FOR COUPLES…

THE FIRST AGREEMENT: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

  • When you believe your partner is saying they are okay and you believe there is something wrong.
  • When you believe your partner is saying (or not saying) something to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
  • When you are sharing something with your partner and they have a hard time believing you, or think you are holding back.

TOOL: When sharing, simply share with your partner, ‘I AM BEING IMPECCABLE WITH MY WORD.” This one statement can immediately ground both partners. You and your partner will know that what you are saying is true, conscious, and intentional.

Sidenote: Individually, keep an eye on being impeccable with your word to yourself. Be on the lookout for negative self-talk and keeping the promises you make to yourself.

THE SECOND AGREEMENT: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

  • When your partner is in a “bad” mood and is snappy or snarky with you.
  • When your partner is not initiating sexual intimacy.
  • When your partner is quieter and less engaging than usual

TOOL: Stay Curious and take yourself out of the equation rather than make it about you and telling yourself a story that they are not interested in you, do not love you, do not find you attractive, etc. You can ask: “I notice that you have been quiet, is something wrong or are you just in a quiet space?” or ” you have been quieter than usual, are you okay? I am here if you would like to talk.”

Sidenote: Individually, hold yourself accountable for not taking ANYTHING, from ANYONE personally, even the good things1 Remember the phrase, if this wasn’t about me, what else could it be about?

THE THIRD AGREEMENT: DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

  • When you believe you know why your partner is exhibiting a behavior and acting a certain way.
  • When rather than ask and stay curious about your partner, you assume you know the intentions behind what they do and do not do.

TOOL: (Ask questions) If you notice your partner is less attentive, rather than guessing. hypothesizing, or assuming, you can state: “You are being less attentive and I do not want to make an assumption that it’s because you had an exhausting day at work, can you tell me what is impacting you? or “You have been going to bed really late, I do not want to assume the reason why, are you open to talking about it?”

Sidenote: Individually, hold yourself accountable for asking questions and staying curious about all things and people. You may make an assumption and be correct, however, oftentimes we get it wrong. Remember to say this phrase to yourself, I do not get to attach meaning to someone else’s actions or inaction. I get to ask.

THE FOURTH AGREEMENT: ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

  • When you put less thought, energy, and/or care into your relationship because you believe it can wait.
  • When you knowingly do not try your best in the relationship because you do not feel like it and/or are taking your relationship and partner for granted.

TOOL: Set intentions together. Remind one another that you are in it together and have an honest conversation about your level of investment in the relationship. To quote Don Miquel Ruiz, “your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time so your best will sometimes be high quality and other times it will not be as good.” He continues on to say, “under any circumstances, always do your best, no more, no less.” You get to make a pact with one another that no matter what, you will do your best and when one of you is struggling, the other gets to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. You get to trust that they are doing their best according to what they have the capacity to do at any given moment.

Sidenote: Individually, make this how you show up for yourself everyday and ALL of your relationships will benefit. Including your relationship with yourself!

COUPLE’S HOMEWORK:

Reading The Four Agreements together can be a relationship game changer! I recommend reading or listening to one chapter per check-in/session and after you both have finished the chapter, discuss the following:

  • Each of your takeaways regarding your individual relationship with and thoughts about the agreement.
  • How the agreement (taking things personally, making assumptions, etc.) shows up in your relationship.
  • What tools do you believe will be helpful and want to implement in your relationship?
  • How will you hold yourselves and one another accountable, with compassion and gentle reminders during conversations and/or conflict?

Remember, you and your partner can create whatever dynamic works best for you as long as you are committed to the process. If you are both showing up and sticking to Agreement #4, you’ve got this!

Thank you Don Miquel Ruiz for your contribution to humanity!

Sending love to you and your relationship, Tamara

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Couples Accountability Check – Why You Need to Own Your Role!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Life is essentially all about relationships. The relationship we have with ourselves, our partner, family, friends, and essentially all things! I became an LMFT in order to support people with creating and sustaining happy, healthy, ever evolving relationships while living authentically. I have come to understand that when reflecting on my own relationships, there is of course that one common denominator, ME! When there are themes I find less than appealing in my relationship, although it would be great to be able to put all the blame on my partner, I get to ask myself, “what have YOU done to co-create this relationship dynamic?”

The same with you my friend. YOU are the common denominator in your relationships. I have some questions for you, how do you feel about the current state of your romantic relationship? Is it passionate? Does it excite you? Does it lack depth? Are you too busy to maintain it? Do you even want to? Now the big question…

WHAT HAS YOUR CONTRIBUTION BEEN TO THE CURRENT STATE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

While the tendency for most is to blame the other person when the relationship is stressed/strained, there still does exist the partner that takes on too much ownership and ends up feeling like they are always apologizing. I have had countless clients over the years share that they are consistently taking the one down, validating, and apologizing to their partner when they believe they have done nothing wrong. Clients share that they get tired of feeling like they are doing most of the work during conflict and either end up apologizing for all of it (over accountability) or they decide to stop validating all together and take no accountability or shut down (which usually leads to more conflict). Do you fall in either one of the two extremes? If so, which one?

Over accountability – You are owning too much (your role and theirs). Apologizing for the entire miscommunication and invalidating your own feelings. You may be bought into an old narrative that it is always your fault. Sometimes people will refer to an “empath” as a person who can over identify with the other person and absorb a disproportionate amount of the blame. Taking too much responsibility can also be a sign of a person who has fear of being alone (abandonment) and/or fear of conflict (conflict avoidant).

Under accountability – You are not owning your role (you are placing a majority of the blame on your partner). You point the finger at them, you blame them, and you are bought into a story that it is usually their fault. Sometimes people who do not own their role are considered selfish, they may lack self awareness, sometimes you can find that characteristic in a person who has narcissistic personality disorder, and they may use tactics such as gaslighting to make their partner feel like they have done something wrong. (Side note, just because someone struggles with owning their role does not automatically mean that they are a narcissist)

Just good ol’ Accountability – Both partners get to take accountability for their role in the conflict. We ALL get to accept responsibility for our actions and acknowledge how our actions impact the people we love. Emotional maturity means being able to be less ruled by emotions and having the ability to own our role without placing blame on others. It is much easier to blame, finger pointing is something that comes naturally for most. However, two people continuing to blame and point the finger of shame at one another are equally contributing to an unsafe/hostile environment. Instead of pointing your finger, use that hand to pick up a mirror and SEE YOURSELF!

WHAT IF WE AS INDIVIDUALS DID OUR WORK?

Work? Work meaning, what if we mean what we say and say what we mean? What if we stopped making assumptions about what our partners are thinking and what if we stopped assuming that we know how they feel? What if we stopped making everything about us as if they are out to get us and what if we STOP TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY? What if we were to show up as the best version of ourselves (highest selves) for each interaction and every conversation? What would that mean?

The book “The Four Agreements,” by Don Miquel Ruiz, addresses these topics directly. The book was recommended to me by a loved one when I first started my private practice and I recommend it to everyone. The Four Agreements being 1) Be Impeccable with your word 2) Don’t make assumptions 3) Don’t take anything personally 4) Always do your best. What if we were to “work” on focusing on those 4 things? What would happen is…

We would have more connecting relationships.

We would have less conflict.

We would live consciously.

We would engage in less negative self talk.

We would ask more questions.

We would no longer spiral with anxious thoughts and rumination would cease.

We would be more compassionate towards others.

We would be more compassionate towards self.

We would trust ourselves and other’s would be more likely to trust us.

We would be the best versions of ourselves/our highest selves.

We would be open and curious and attract more abundance.

We would be able to hold space for the people we love as well as humanity.

WE WOULD LEAD MORE AUTHENTIC LIVES, CREATE MORE FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS, AND PROBABLY BE A HECK OF A LOT HAPPIER!

The fact of the matter is, that the longer I practice individual and couples therapy, the clearer and clearer it becomes that the two people in the relationship need to do their individual work in order for the relationship to reach its full potential. Self-awareness is necessary. HOWEVER, CHANGE HAPPENS VIA ACTION. Action steps are necessary.

ACTION STEPS: SLOW DOWN, OWN YOUR ROLE, REGULATE YOUR EMOTIONS and VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER!

Slow down during the conversation, take a time out if necessary (length of time predetermined, usually 30 minutes, try to keep it to the same day) until you are ready to resume the conversation leading with a STATEMENT OF ACCOUNTABILITY. What is a statement of accountability? When the two of you come back together to resolve the conflict, you both resume prepared to share what you identified as something YOU could have done differently to experience/contribute to a more positive outcome.

Example:

Partner 1: “I am sorry I did not call you when I realized I was going to be late. I know that makes you feel disrespected and taken for granted. I recognize that you probably would not have started yelling when I came home if I would have called you and kept you in the loop. Regardless of what the circumstances were around my inability to call, the fact of the matter is that I didn’t call and that upset you.”

Partner 2: “I really appreciate you saying that. I didn’t realize you understood what was happening for me and your apology matters. I also recognize that you have a lot going on at work and forgot to call. I know that you not calling is not indicative of you taking me for granted and at the time I took it personally. The fact that I was triggered is still no excuse for raising my voice and cursing. I apologize because you do not deserve to be spoken to that way and I could have handled that better. I take accountability for my role and triggering you. I apologize for my role in our conversation turning into an argument.

STOP BLAMING..START OWNING!

When two people enter in to a conversation taking accountability/owning their role and validating the other person’s emotions, it creates a safe environment for both of them. Emotional safety is necessary for transparent and vulnerable conversations to take place. You have to be willing to do your part and not get sucked into engaging in an unhealthy or maladaptive dynamic. “My partner made me do it,” means someone is struggling with seeing their part in an interaction.

When we begin to accept that we do things because WE DECIDE TO DO THEM, we can feel motivated and empowered to learn to respond to our triggers differently. You hold the key!

When we get triggered we tend to say things to hurt the other person, or we say things to protect ourselves. The bottom line is that we say things that may not be our truth. If YOU are reactive, that’s a YOU THING! We do not get to blame the other person for our choice of reaction and inability to self-soothe/regulate our emotions . We can respond differently, we can respond respectfully, and we can respond from a place of love once we learn how to manage our responses. You get to learn how to hold yourself accountable in your relationship!

I want to be clear that this does not mean that you do not show up for/support one another. I do believe that if you decide to be in a committed relationship, you get to both be clear around what you need/want support to look like for your unique relationship. Also, under no circumstances should a person stay in a relationship that is abusive. If you believe you are in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, I encourage you to get immediate support. A client of mine has the mantra, “I can conquer anything with communication” – DF. You can indeed conquer anything with communication, just be sure to speak your truth with warmth and own your role when you do! When we come from a non-judgmental place, when we own our role, and when we lead with love, there is nothing we can not discuss. The goal is to be able to create an emotionally safe and authentic relationship. It starts with self. Remember, inner peace can not come from your partner, it comes from within and is the determinant of creating peace within your relationship!

Wishing you and your relationship love and peace always,

Tamara