couples accountability

Couples and Consideration: These Two Simple Questions will Revamp Your Relationship!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

“Hey, did you even consider me in your decision making process?” “Did you think about how I might feel about that?” “Did it cross your mind that your decision can have a negative impact on our relationship?”

“Do you even SEE ME?!?”

Have you ever asked your partner any of those questions? Have you heard your partner share those sentiments with you? If so, you are definitely not alone and you’ve come to the right place!

Who doesn’t want to be and feel considered? Emphasis on the word, “feel,” because oftentimes, partners will say that they are considering their partner and the issue is that the consideration is not landing, not resonating, or simply not “hitting” for their partner.

Just because you are considering your partner, does not mean that they feel considered. For those of you that studied Hamlet in school, you may remember the phrase, “Ay, and there lies the rub!” In other words, therein is where the problem lies!

What you are doing to consider your partner may not be viewed by them as consideration. Therefore may go unseen, overlooked, invalidated, and unappreciated.

I am about to drive this point home because this is something that literally comes up in the therapy room nearly every single day I have sessions. While I do not like to use absolutes, I’ve been observing this for years and it comes up in some way every single day I have held sessions.

Let’s start by defining consideration. Consideration is a noun. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is a “continuous and careful thought” and “a matter weighed or taken into account when formulating an opinion or plan.”

Is that not what most of us want? to be taken into account? Knowing that your partner will be thinking about how their actions will impact you? To be considered can make us feel safe. To be considered can make us feel our partner’s love.

Questions for YOU...

  • Do you consider your partner in your decision making process?
  • Do you consider yourself in your decision making process?
  • Do you know your process? (Do you usually consider your partner before yourself? Do you consider yourself and forget to consider your partner? What weighs more to you? Does it depend? If so, what does it depend on?)

Consideration matters. It is a whole discussion.

It is the difference between feeling like you are creating a safe space where you feel seen and considered or creating a space where one or both partners feel unseen, less important, and/or not considered.

Do you currently feel like your partner does not get you? does not see you? and does not care how you are impacted by their decisions? Do you use your voice?

Do you see your partner? Do you notice their gestures of love? Are you aware of the things they do to support you? The ways in which they are considering you?

Self-Consideration and Consideration of your Partner: WHICH WAY ARE YOU TILTED?

Tilted towards self-consideration: When you consider yourself first and foremost and your partner is either a secondary thought or not a thought at all, they will probably feel it. It will show up in the relationship in some way. It can be challenging for some individuals who have not had to consider others in their decision making in the past. If you are accustomed to only considering your own needs, being completely independent and autonomous, then making the transition to sharing your life with someone and now having another person to consider can be hard. This comes up for many couples I meet with during the first couple of years into their relationship and it is something you want to get ahead of early. Especially if one is always considering the other and that is not reciprocated.

If this process of decision making continues, your partner will more than likely feel disconnected and unseen. They may feel as if their needs and wants are not important to you and that they are not equally valued in the relationship. Being honest with yourself is important. There is a difference between considering your partner and them not feeling or seeing it, and not considering your partner at all.

While we absolutely get to consider ourselves and check in on ourselves first. The issues usually arise when there is only the consideration of self and there is little to no consideration of your partner.

Tilted towards consideration of your partner: This is also not the best space to be in. Why? Although your spouse/partner may appreciate you always leaning into what works best for them and making them happy, if you ignore or abandon your own needs, you are not considering yourself. When you are not considering yourself and your partner is also not considering you, it leads to an imbalance in the relationship that can also lead to resentment, disconnection, and even depression. Relationships where one person feels happy and fulfilled and the other is having a completely different experience happens often. It especially happens when one partner does not feel seen and supported.

Struggling to consider yourself can also happen if you grew up in a household where you were either instrumentally or emotionally parentified (asked/made to take on developmentally inappropriate adult roles as a child) or your needs were not considered, you may get into a relationship and recreate that very dynamic. You may take on the role of being sacrificial, because that is a role you are familiar with. What can happen next is the creation of a relationship where you are dismissing your needs and teaching your partner to not consider your needs as well!

There can and will be times in our relationships where we lean in to our partner and that is a beautiful dance couples do throughout the years. Taking turns taking the lead and/or leaning in can keep things flowing, it can lead to an organic expansion of self and the relationship. What you want to be mindful of is if you usually tilt all the way to either side of the continuum to the point where a long-term imbalance is created and one partner’s needs are usually not met.

What type of relationship are you currently co-creating?

TWO QUESTIONS TO ENSURE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER FEEL CONSIDERED:

  1. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MYSELF?
  2. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MY PARTNER?

WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, you and your partner get to determine what your unique relationship looks like. Regardless of how your relationship is structured, consideration of all parties involved usually leads to deeper connection and fulfillment.

Formula for a healthy dynamic where when making decisions you:

1st: Consider yourself, how might this help you, support you, expand you and in what ways? Essentially, what are the pros and cons for you?

2nd: Consider your partner, how might the decision impact them? Based on what you know about them, their value system, and what they have shared with you, how might this decision make them feel? While we do not want to make assumptions, we do want to be able to share with our partner the ways in which we considered them.

  • An answer, conclusion, and decision usually works best when those two questions are answered. When both partners feel seen, heard, valued, and CONSIDERED in the decision.

Together, collaboratively, with open hearts and ready to listen and validate, share with one another, how each of you feel the decision may impact the relationship. The relationship “belongs” to you both. Understanding your individual needs is vital in creating a relationship that works for both of you.

Consideration Case Study – Jonathan and Hannah

Jonathan gets offered a promotion. The increase in salary will support the household with more financial security and opportunity. However, the promotion comes with more responsibility, and he will have less free time. Jonathan is ambitious and believes this is the best next step for him and therefore, for his relationship. His main focus is advancing in his career, he is very happy working at his company, and is excited about the possibility of bringing more money into the household. Jonathan has worked hard for this and is proud of himself!

His partner, Hannah has been feeling unseen and disconnected from Jonathan. She works in education and when she leaves her job at 5:30pm everyday, she does not “bring work home” with her. Hannah often feels she is in “competition with his job.” She cares less about the finances and believes they need to make their relationship more of a priority. She would like Jonathan to be content with the position he currently has with less responsibility or find a new job that pays more and requires less hours. The last thing she wants is for him to take on more responsibility at his current job. She believes his lack of boundaries with his job is a reflection of his lack of prioritization of her needs in the relationship.

After Jonathan learnes about his promotion, he comes home with flowers for Hannah and excited to share his news, stating, “Guess what honey, everything is going to change, I have wonderful news.” Hannah, is excited because she only receives flowers on her birthday and has not experienced this level of enthsiasm from Jonathan in quite sometime. As she grabs a vase for her flowers she is also filled with curiousity and hope. She is looking forward to hearing what Jonathan has to share, believing that he has finally heard her and is going to let her know how he has considered her. She is feeling seen and considered because of his gestures, his tone, and his enthusiasm.

Jonathan proceeds to share, “I did it, I got the promotion babe. Our lives are going to get so much better! We can finally remodel the kitchen and get some other things done!” Hannah, has a tough time holding it together and becomes emotional. She begins to sob and Jonathan is confused. Just like that she feels unseen, unconsidered. He too feels unseen, unappreciated, and unsupported. They reach out to me for their first couples session!

What happened here? Hannah did not feel like Jonathan took her into consideration and did not consider how excited Jonathan was about his promotion. Jonathan felt excited to share his “good news” but may not have considered how Hannah would feel about it. Both of them thought about the relationship. However, they were thinking about the relationship through their individual lenses.

Hannah expressed:

  • “He said that HE, “did it”, I, I, I…it is always about him. He doesn’t even think about me or ask me about major decisions.”
  • “The priority to me right now is our connection and our intimacy. This will take away more of what we do not have enough of, TIME.”
  • “I feel like his main relationship is with work and I feel like his mistress begging for time.”
  • “No matter how many times I tell him I miss him and need him, he does nothing about it. It is obvious that my feelings don’t matter to Jonathan.”

Jonathan expressed:

  • “Is she serious right now? this is the best thing that can happen for us right now.”
  • “I worked hard for this, she is not even happy for or proud of me. She is never my cheerleader.”
  • “She is the one being selfish, I am just trying to make sure we are secure. I feel so unappreciated.”
  • “Everything I do, I do for us, I find it insulting that she say I am not considering her, she is ALL I am considering.”

Jonathan believes he is considering himself, his wife, and their lives together in terms of stability. Hannah believes she is considering herself and their relationship in terms of connection and emotional fulfillment.

I gave them the homework of these three questions:

  1. How are you considering yourself and the impact that Jonathan taking the promotion will have on you as an individual?
  2. How are you considering what Jonathan has shared with you regarding his thoughts and feelings about the decision to take the promotion? Why do you believe it is important to/for him?
  3. How do you believe this decision will impact your relationship?
    • What are the current needs of your relationship?
    • What are ways this decision may bring you closer?
    • What are ways this decision may create more distance?

THE CONVERSATION

Remember, in terms of considering your partner, It is not about how YOU want to consider your partner. It is about how your partner wants to be considered. WHAT THEY ARE ULTIMATELY EXPRESSING IS WHAT WILL SUPPORT THEM WITH FEELING YOUR LOVE.

Consideration is needed to feel emotionally safe in your relationship. Consideration is vital to feeling loved. Navigating partner and self consideration in love takes intention.

You want to go back into the conversation able to discuss the three questions I gave Jonathan and Hannah in depth. It will take introspection, consideration, and compassion. Are you considering what your partner has expressed is important to them? How are you showing up for yourself? How are you showing up for your partner?

You are ready to begin the conversation when you are able to present:

  1. Here is how I am considering myself.
  2. Here is how I am considering what you have shared is important to you.

You want to be able to identify how you have considered yourself AND your partner in your decision making. If you have children and/or pets, you want to also think about how you have considered the other members of your household.

Reaching a decision where you both feel seen and considered is not always easy. If you find yourselves at an impasse, consider seeking additional support, such as couples therapy. Sometimes there are conflicting needs and/or wants. It does not have to lead to resentment or mean the end of your relationship. It can present an opportunity to dig deeper and work together to find a way to move forward in partnership and in love.

Your relationship needs you both. How are each of you considering your relationship?

Consideration of myself + Consideration of my partner = Consideration of the Relationship. In order to reach a solution/conclusion/decision that will work for the relationship, both partners get to be considered.

TAKE ACTION NOW!

When you feel disconnected, detached, and indifferent in your relationship, there is no time to wait, there is no time to waste. The time to take action is NOW. If you still want your relationship to be healthy and thrive, do not make the fatal mistake so many people make, which is they believe they have limitless time.

Even the strongest relationships need time, they need to be nurtured, and as you continue to grow as individuals, couples need time to understand the changes that are happening within themselves and in the world around them so that they can grow together.

For all those who have asked the question, “How can I get my partner to consider me?” Please share this article with them to ensure you are both considering one another.

If you take one thing away from this article, let it be this…

YOU MATTER, THEY MATTER, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP MATTERS. ENSURE YOUR ACTIONS ARE A REFLECTION OF THAT AWARENESS AND ARE IN ALIGNMENT WITH YOUR HEART!

Couples Accountability Check – Why You Need to Own Your Role!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Life is essentially all about relationships. The relationship we have with ourselves, our partner, family, friends, and essentially all things! I became an LMFT in order to support people with creating and sustaining happy, healthy, ever evolving relationships while living authentically. I have come to understand that when reflecting on my own relationships, there is of course that one common denominator, ME! When there are themes I find less than appealing in my relationship, although it would be great to be able to put all the blame on my partner, I get to ask myself, “what have YOU done to co-create this relationship dynamic?”

The same with you my friend. YOU are the common denominator in your relationships. I have some questions for you, how do you feel about the current state of your romantic relationship? Is it passionate? Does it excite you? Does it lack depth? Are you too busy to maintain it? Do you even want to? Now the big question…

WHAT HAS YOUR CONTRIBUTION BEEN TO THE CURRENT STATE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

While the tendency for most is to blame the other person when the relationship is stressed/strained, there still does exist the partner that takes on too much ownership and ends up feeling like they are always apologizing. I have had countless clients over the years share that they are consistently taking the one down, validating, and apologizing to their partner when they believe they have done nothing wrong. Clients share that they get tired of feeling like they are doing most of the work during conflict and either end up apologizing for all of it (over accountability) or they decide to stop validating all together and take no accountability or shut down (which usually leads to more conflict). Do you fall in either one of the two extremes? If so, which one?

Over accountability – You are owning too much (your role and theirs). Apologizing for the entire miscommunication and invalidating your own feelings. You may be bought into an old narrative that it is always your fault. Sometimes people will refer to an “empath” as a person who can over identify with the other person and absorb a disproportionate amount of the blame. Taking too much responsibility can also be a sign of a person who has fear of being alone (abandonment) and/or fear of conflict (conflict avoidant).

Under accountability – You are not owning your role (you are placing a majority of the blame on your partner). You point the finger at them, you blame them, and you are bought into a story that it is usually their fault. Sometimes people who do not own their role are considered selfish, they may lack self awareness, sometimes you can find that characteristic in a person who has narcissistic personality disorder, and they may use tactics such as gaslighting to make their partner feel like they have done something wrong. (Side note, just because someone struggles with owning their role does not automatically mean that they are a narcissist)

Just good ol’ Accountability – Both partners get to take accountability for their role in the conflict. We ALL get to accept responsibility for our actions and acknowledge how our actions impact the people we love. Emotional maturity means being able to be less ruled by emotions and having the ability to own our role without placing blame on others. It is much easier to blame, finger pointing is something that comes naturally for most. However, two people continuing to blame and point the finger of shame at one another are equally contributing to an unsafe/hostile environment. Instead of pointing your finger, use that hand to pick up a mirror and SEE YOURSELF!

WHAT IF WE AS INDIVIDUALS DID OUR WORK?

Work? Work meaning, what if we mean what we say and say what we mean? What if we stopped making assumptions about what our partners are thinking and what if we stopped assuming that we know how they feel? What if we stopped making everything about us as if they are out to get us and what if we STOP TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY? What if we were to show up as the best version of ourselves (highest selves) for each interaction and every conversation? What would that mean?

The book “The Four Agreements,” by Don Miquel Ruiz, addresses these topics directly. The book was recommended to me by a loved one when I first started my private practice and I recommend it to everyone. The Four Agreements being 1) Be Impeccable with your word 2) Don’t make assumptions 3) Don’t take anything personally 4) Always do your best. What if we were to “work” on focusing on those 4 things? What would happen is…

We would have more connecting relationships.

We would have less conflict.

We would live consciously.

We would engage in less negative self talk.

We would ask more questions.

We would no longer spiral with anxious thoughts and rumination would cease.

We would be more compassionate towards others.

We would be more compassionate towards self.

We would trust ourselves and other’s would be more likely to trust us.

We would be the best versions of ourselves/our highest selves.

We would be open and curious and attract more abundance.

We would be able to hold space for the people we love as well as humanity.

WE WOULD LEAD MORE AUTHENTIC LIVES, CREATE MORE FULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS, AND PROBABLY BE A HECK OF A LOT HAPPIER!

The fact of the matter is, that the longer I practice individual and couples therapy, the clearer and clearer it becomes that the two people in the relationship need to do their individual work in order for the relationship to reach its full potential. Self-awareness is necessary. HOWEVER, CHANGE HAPPENS VIA ACTION. Action steps are necessary.

ACTION STEPS: SLOW DOWN, OWN YOUR ROLE, REGULATE YOUR EMOTIONS and VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER!

Slow down during the conversation, take a time out if necessary (length of time predetermined, usually 30 minutes, try to keep it to the same day) until you are ready to resume the conversation leading with a STATEMENT OF ACCOUNTABILITY. What is a statement of accountability? When the two of you come back together to resolve the conflict, you both resume prepared to share what you identified as something YOU could have done differently to experience/contribute to a more positive outcome.

Example:

Partner 1: “I am sorry I did not call you when I realized I was going to be late. I know that makes you feel disrespected and taken for granted. I recognize that you probably would not have started yelling when I came home if I would have called you and kept you in the loop. Regardless of what the circumstances were around my inability to call, the fact of the matter is that I didn’t call and that upset you.”

Partner 2: “I really appreciate you saying that. I didn’t realize you understood what was happening for me and your apology matters. I also recognize that you have a lot going on at work and forgot to call. I know that you not calling is not indicative of you taking me for granted and at the time I took it personally. The fact that I was triggered is still no excuse for raising my voice and cursing. I apologize because you do not deserve to be spoken to that way and I could have handled that better. I take accountability for my role and triggering you. I apologize for my role in our conversation turning into an argument.

STOP BLAMING..START OWNING!

When two people enter in to a conversation taking accountability/owning their role and validating the other person’s emotions, it creates a safe environment for both of them. Emotional safety is necessary for transparent and vulnerable conversations to take place. You have to be willing to do your part and not get sucked into engaging in an unhealthy or maladaptive dynamic. “My partner made me do it,” means someone is struggling with seeing their part in an interaction.

When we begin to accept that we do things because WE DECIDE TO DO THEM, we can feel motivated and empowered to learn to respond to our triggers differently. You hold the key!

When we get triggered we tend to say things to hurt the other person, or we say things to protect ourselves. The bottom line is that we say things that may not be our truth. If YOU are reactive, that’s a YOU THING! We do not get to blame the other person for our choice of reaction and inability to self-soothe/regulate our emotions . We can respond differently, we can respond respectfully, and we can respond from a place of love once we learn how to manage our responses. You get to learn how to hold yourself accountable in your relationship!

I want to be clear that this does not mean that you do not show up for/support one another. I do believe that if you decide to be in a committed relationship, you get to both be clear around what you need/want support to look like for your unique relationship. Also, under no circumstances should a person stay in a relationship that is abusive. If you believe you are in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, I encourage you to get immediate support. A client of mine has the mantra, “I can conquer anything with communication” – DF. You can indeed conquer anything with communication, just be sure to speak your truth with warmth and own your role when you do! When we come from a non-judgmental place, when we own our role, and when we lead with love, there is nothing we can not discuss. The goal is to be able to create an emotionally safe and authentic relationship. It starts with self. Remember, inner peace can not come from your partner, it comes from within and is the determinant of creating peace within your relationship!

Wishing you and your relationship love and peace always,

Tamara