Author: Tamara Thompson LMFT

Couples, Feeling Bored? “Happy Hormone” Boosting Date Ideas to Revive the Spark!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT

The quest for tips on how to keep the desire alive in relationships and how to reignite the spark is a common search for those in long term and sometimes, not so long term relationships. I am meeting more and more couples, asking questions regarding how to sustain happiness, fulfillment, and desire in their relationship before it becomes a “problem.” Currently, there are many “well functioning” couples beginning therapy stating they feel:

  • A lack of connection.
  • The spark is fading.
  • Unseen by their partner.
  • Unappreciated.
  • More like a roommate than a lover.

By well functioning, I am referring to couples who have low conflict, are cordial, they are best friends, faithful, manage money and the household well, take accountability, and sometimes are even the couple that others look up to. All of the pieces seem to fit together perfectly, but there is one thing that is getting in the way of them experiencing their relationship to the fullest, they feel the spark beginning to fade. They want deeper, soul connecting, pleasurable experiences. They are seeking the energy of desire but are stating they are experiencing increased boredom.

Can you relate?

Sometimes, transitions in your personal life and the world at large weigh on individuals and if you are feeling the weight of the world, chances are, so is your relationship. Seeking professional help can make all the difference and as a licensed therapist, I encourage anyone who believes they may be experiencing a depressive episode to seek professional help. If it’s more depth, deeper connection, more joy, excitement, and intimacy you seek, then this blog is for you!

Do you ever feel like telling your partner, “I love you, but our relationship feels…BORING!”?

There is some debate around how long after the onset of “problems” couples wait to seek therapy. In the field of Marriage and Family Therapy it has long been believed that couples wait an average of 6 years before seeking therapy. A study done by Doherty, Harris, Hall, and Hubbard, published in January 2021, has now put that average to 2.68 years with many couples seeking support at the two year mark, which is promising!

The data helps us understand how long it takes from the onset of “problems,” however some couples do not categorize boredom or a decrease in “the spark” as a “problem.” Many believe that boredom, “comes with the territory,” and happens to “all couples,” and it is just “part of being in a long term relationship.” Oh the stories we tell ourselves! Yes, without attention and care, the monotony of our day to day and the stressors of adulting can indeed create exhaustion and a lack of enthusiasm about our romantic relationship. However, if it is important to you and your partner to reignite the desire, let’s discuss how to bring more fun, play, intimacy, eroticism, and connection into your relationship.

When I am asked, “Can we ever get that spark back?”

My answer is, YES, ABSOLUTELY! Followed by, if both people are open, willing, and able to not only talk about the disenchantment but do something about it, your relationship can be more sparktacular (made up word) than ever. Society may tell us that it is inevitable that the spark fades over time but that is a myth. I am not bought into that myth and if you are reading this blog, chances are you aren’t either! Your commitment to keeping things interesting is what makes the difference!

So yes, I am a positive and strength focused therapist, however, I am also transparent and keep things real. I do not believe in throwing in the towel in your relationship without doing your best to not only make it work, you get to make it thrive! Are there couples or individuals in couples relationships that give up “too easy,?” Honestly, only the individual can make that determination.

What I can say is this, if you are a person in a relationship where you are no longer excited to hang out with your partner, you do not feel “butterflies,” you are feeling bored in your relationship, the two of you are not touching as much, not kissing, not sleeping together (maybe allowing your child or pet to sleep in the bed), if you rather spend time at work, with friends, or alone, and you have nothing to look forward to with your partner, it may be time to RAMP THINGS UP!

INDIVIDUALS AND COUPLES NEED SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO!

What are you currently looking forward to doing with your partner that excites you? If your answer is: “Nothing,” “nada,” or “zilch,” all is not lost…we just get to figure that out!

How do we bring the spark back? Let’s talk a little bit about the science and then let’s get to the action steps. The feel good hormones also known as the “happy hormones” are oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin. There has been research done on partner’s with high levels of oxytocin (the love hormone) being happier in their relationship, finding their partner’s more attractive than others, and one study found that males with higher levels of oxytocin kept a further distance from people they found to be attractive (please see below for reference sources).

What does this all mean and what are some action steps you can take to HACK THE SPARK USING SCIENCE TO INCREASE HAPPY HORMONES?

Do things with your partner that increase both of your dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins, and serotonin levels. I have worked with couples who within a couple of months have gone from feeling distant, disenchanted, and disconnected, to literally feeling like they have “fallen back in love,” with their partner! Couples are sharing that they are happier individually and within their relationship. This hack is not just for your relationship, this hack is for YOU!

Both partners have to be on board, while one person changing will inevitably change a dynamic, in order to create the relationship you both desire it requires mutual investment and energy.

LET’S HAVE SOME FUN!

Invite your partner to participate by saying something sexy like…

“Baby, let’s help our endocrine system produce some feel good hormones…(then gently whisper) TOGETHER!” (ultimate turn on!) Maybe it will intrigue them, maybe not. The bottom line is, it works!

Once you entice them with science driven “dirty talk,” go through the list of hormones and couple activities together. I have created the list below to support my clients and am sharing it on my blog to support couples with understanding how the dates/activities are conducive to happiness, connection, bonding, safety, desire, and overall mental health and well-being. Each of the four happy hormones will be explained and a list of date ideas is provided. Use one of the 17 date ideas AND HAVE FUN CREATING YOUR OWN “COUPLES ACTIVITES.” Surprising your partner is another great way to spruce things up! I recommend at least one activity per week, with partner’s alternating who plans the date/activity.

INTIATION AND EXECUTION MATTER!

Upping your mood together will not only support both of you as individuals, it will create stronger connection and bonding. Seeing one another engaging in something new, feeling and looking confident, and enjoying themselves is attractive. When we put shared time together, with adventure, touch, and a mutual desire to create the relationship we seek…wonderful things can happen!

DIFFERENT DATES FOR DIFFERENT HORMONES, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SPARK?

DOPAMINE:

• Reward center in the brain. Every time we do something we enjoy dopamine is released in our brain.

• Controls feelings of pleasure.

• Released SLOWLY and you feel the mood boosting sensation after the activity.

• Dopamine deficiency contributes to low mood.

• Satisfaction of completing something.

• It plays a key role (along with serotonin) in sexual desire.

• It’s the feel-good neurotransmitter.

INCREASE DOPAMINE with:
• Sleep, sex, running, listening to music, eating well (no processed foods), managing stress, meditating

COUPLE ACTIVITIES:

1) Create your own at home concert! Create a playlist and have a dance party!

2) Make a meal together, set the table, and create your own visually pleasing indoor dining experience! Avoid processed foods. Foods such as avocado, soy, bananas, and poultry are high in the amino acid tyrosine (boost dopamine levels in the brain and helps with memory and mental performance), so try to include some of those foods on your menu!

3) Take a dance class together! This can be a lot of fun and will not only increase dopamine, you will also get an increase of endorphins and “the love hormone,” oxytocin!

4) Go for walks together when the sun is shining. The sun and brisk walking are two ways to increase your dopamine levels. Try to stay away from any housekeeping or stressful topics. Use the time to talk about things you want to try together and/or ways you want to grow individually. Sharing your joint and individual desires creates more connection. Remember to ask your partner questions and validate them, ensuring you both have a chance to heard.

5) One of my favorites, meditate together! Having your own meditation practice is beneficial in countless ways. Have you ever had a meditation date? It can be quite intimate. Sit across or beside one another and either hold hands or rest one hand on your partner’s knee and the other hand on your own knee and put on a 10-minute guided meditation. Remember to be still and just allow yourself to embrace your connection to your partner and yourself.

ENDORPHINS:

• Natural pain killer that is part of the brain’s reward system.

• They are released QUICKLY during a specific act.

• Neurotransmitter Chemicals /hormones the body releases during pleasurable activities.

• They create a sense of well-being.

• Improve mood.

• Boost self-esteem.

INCREASE ENDORPHINS with:
• Sex, laughing, dark chocolate, dancing, meditating, acupuncture, exercise.

COUPLE ACTIVITIES:

1) Have fun outdoors if possible, going hiking, biking, kayaking, frisbee, and running all increase endorphin levels which leave you feeling clear headed and calm afterwards.

2) LAUGH. Watch a comedy or go to a comedy club. Invite your friends over and play a game that makes you laugh. Give yourselves permission to be silly and playful. You can have your own comedy night where you both try your hand at standup! Laughter releases endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin. There are many benefits to Laugh Therapy.

3) “Music, makes the people come together.” – Madonna. Yes, music does indeed make the people come together and that means it can bring you and your partner closer together. Especially, when it is upbeat. Music Therapy is becoming more and more popular, it releases endorphins and creates a feeling of well-being.

4) Invite dark chocolate into your diet in moderation as a decadent indulgence. Plan a date to bake at home or go out for a dark chocolate dessert. Dark chocolate has flavonoids that trigger our brain to release endorphins. Feeding it to one another can be playful, connecting, and sexy!

OXYTOCIN:


• Referred to as the “love hormone.”

• It is released when we are excited by our sexual partner or are falling in love. The release of oxytocin during sexual activity appears to play a role in erection and orgasm (this is still being researched).

• Creates a feeling of bonding and trust. It has a social function by impacting social recognition, the creation of group memories and bonding.

• Oxytocin is released in response to the activation of sensory nerves, with low intensity stimulation of the skin through touching, stoking, hugging, kissing. It is also released through stimulation of the nipples.

NOT so FUN FACT: Symptoms of low oxytocin: Difficulty achieving orgasm, sexual interactions that feel mechanical, more anxieties and fears than usual. Which is further evidence of the possibility that part of what can be contributing to the missing spark in your relationship can be you!

INCREASE OXYTOCIN with:
• Sex, at least 1 ten-second hug daily (some studies suggest 8 hugs), loving-kindness meditation, acupuncture, touching your pet, massage, music and singing, gift giving, volunteering, food activates touch receptors in your mouth, warm and cold temperatures, and yoga.

COUPLE ACTIVITIES:

1) Plan a “get to know you” session on your next date night. Come prepared with 5 questions each. You can create your own questions or purchase helpful cards such as “The And” Couples Edition from “The Skin Deep” or Esther Perel’s, “Where Should we Begin a Game of Stories.” Give one another undivided attention and sit in close proximity to allow some form of touch. Ask provocative and erotic questions, make them playful or insightful. The most important part is staying interested, being vulnerable, and digging deeper.

2) Massage one another. You can plan a home date where you both focus on massaging one part of your partner’s body (foot, leg, neck). Take turns, get a pleasing scented lotion and play some music to set the mood. Focus on how good it feels to provide pleasure to your partner and try not to talk in order to be fully immersed in the experience.

3) Sing a song out loud. Do you both have music you enjoy singing together? If so, do it! Research has shown that listening to music and singing along for 30 minutes, significantly increases oxytocin levels (reference link below). Karaoke for two?

4) Take a warm or cold shower together. Extreme temperatures have proven to increase oxytocin levels. Taking a warm bath together and finishing off with a cold rinse, can be fun and will have both of you on an oxytocin high!

SEROTONIN:

• Neurotransmitter and hormone that sends messages between nerve cells.

• Chemical messenger that acts as a mood stabilizer.

• It is responsible for happiness.

• It affects emotions, appetite, and digestion.

• There’s a link between lack of serotonin and depression.

• It plays a key role (along with dopamine) in sexual desire.

INCREASE SEROTONIN with:
• Physical activity, 15 minutes of sunlight daily, stress management, correlation with probiotic-rich foods, tryptophan-rich foods (eggs, nuts, milk, animal protein, soy products), and thinking happy (gratitude filled) thoughts.

COUPLES ACTIVITY:

1) The walk wins again! Walking in nature and breathing in fresh air raises oxygen in the brain which in turn, boosts serotonin levels. Try going out during the day together, the sunlight helps increase serotonin levels.

2) Thinking happy thoughts can raise serotonin levels. Each partner can begin keeping a gratitude journal and carve out time in your day and week to share it. You can also create an album with pictures of joy filled moments. If you already have albums, pull one out and reminisce. Joyful memories are a gift, give yourself permission to bask in them together!

3) Have a brunch date and get dressed up! Ensure there is probiotic yogurt and nuts, or eggs and a soy or animal protein on the menu. Whether you are in the comfort of your own home or trying a new restaurant together, eat foods high in tryptophan and talk about things that make you smile.

4) Create a Couple’s Vision Board. Get some magazines, quotes, pics, and anything else that makes you feel good and connected. Think about the experiences you would like to have and shared goals. Create a visual representation of what you are working towards creating in your shared life.

5) Stretch together. Movement supports all of the feel-good hormones. Stretching and yoga help with stress management. Focus on your breathing and support one another with slowing down and stretch one another out. Listen to the needs of your body and your partner. It builds trust and intimacy. Play relaxing music or light a candle to set the mood and promote relaxation.

Remember to do your part and give your partner an opportunity to show up differently.

Over the years, I continue to share with couples that we all grow and we get to give our partner’s an opportunity to show us who they are now and who they are becoming.

No one likes to be boxed in and not given an opportunity to grow. Being stagnant and stifled does not only lead to low mood and depression, it is also not very attractive!

Additionally, according to a top relationship expert, psychotherapist, and author, Esther Perel, in order to increase desire, couples need time apart to allow the relationship to get some air and within that space the individuals get to explore their passions, do things they are good at, and be confident when alone.

Perel states, “desire needs mystery and, in the beginning everything is mysterious.” It is within that mystery of your partner where desire and eroticism exists. It is within the dates and activities above that closeness and intimacy are nurtured. Through active and intentional participation, you can create a balance of both, periodically assessing to allow for recalibration.

You can absolutely grow together if you continue to stay open to getting to know yourself and getting to know the latest version of your partner.

Six Tips to making this process successful:

  1. Stay open – to growth and doing things differently.
  2. Stay curious – do not make assumptions.
  3. Stay loving – operate from your heart
  4. Take accountability – own your role through accountability
  5. Listen to understand – VALIDATE them and do not take ANYTHING PERSONALLY!
  6. Be intentional – about the time and energy you are putting into your relationship!

Remember…HAVE FUN!

REFERENCES USED & FOR FURTHER READING:

https://www.premierhealth.com/your-health/articles/women-wisdom-wellness-/5-Ways-Mother-Nature-Can-Lift-Your-Mood/

https://www.optimallivingdynamics.com/blog/25-effective-ways-to-increase-oxytocin-levels-in-the-brain

https://www.verywellhealth.com/how-to-increase-serotonin-food-pills-natural-tips-5209264

https://www.healthline.com/health/endorphins#vs-dopamine

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/oxytocin-the-love-hormone

https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/dopamine-the-pathway-to-pleasure

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275795#what_is_oxytocin

https://www.estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-37-eroticism-is-an-art-but-its-also-a-practice

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33411353/

Infidelity: Now What? Ease the Pain of Heartache with These 7 Self-Care Practices!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / 4 Comments

Infidelity hurts. There’s no sugar coating it, an infidelity is a betrayal and while partner’s can betray one another a variety of times and in a variety of ways throughout their relationship, there is something about the betrayal of infidelity, whether emotional or physical, that strikes a chord that is a bit more piercing than any other form of betrayal.

This blog is not about who is right or who is wrong. There is no blame here and no labels. When infidelity occurs, it is usually indicative of hurts and wounds experienced by both partner’s during the course of their relationship. While there is no justification for cheating, there are drivers to that behavior. This blog is about what you can do and how to take care of yourself, when you first learn about the infidelity. The focus is on self-compassion throughout the process.

As a human being, I have been impacted by infidelity. I have felt my heart stop and then race uncontrollably. I have felt numbness, fear, and insecurity. I have felt the disappointment and the anger.

If you are experiencing an infidelity, I know it is hard, and if your heart is hurting, I am sorry you have to feel that kind of pain. I recognize finding out your partner has cheated brings up different thoughts and feelings for people. We are all so unique and our views about relationships, cheating, and ourselves vary. Although, there are differences in perspectives, most people will agree that infidelity hurts.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, who has now worked with hundreds of couples, and individuals impacted by infidelity, I have held space for people in the midst of the trauma, in the middle of confusion, and have helped them ground themselves after experiencing days, and sometimes weeks of deep sadness, anxiety, and denial. Their coping skills vary from seeking out support to maladaptive behaviors that can be harmful to them or others.

Breaches hurt, especially when they are made by the people we love and trust the most. That initial shock can be the most difficult time in your process. Whether you are the person who stepped outside of the relationship or the partner who recently learned that the person they trusted has been unfaithful, infidelity hurts all those involved. Most partners do not set out to “cheat,” and what this indiscretion can mean for the relationship may still be undetermined. It is true that some couples come out of this shake up stronger than ever, however, there are times when that is not the case.

One truth is that infidelity changes things. It changes the people involved and it changes the couple dynamic. It can be the catalyst to growth and expansion, whether it be together or apart.

I have heard a lot of perspectives around whether a couple should stay together after an infidelity or part ways. Common questions I receive are:

Can the relationship be saved?

What does it say about me if I stay?

What does it say about me if I go?

These are heavy hitter questions. They are the questions we hope to never have to ask ourselves. For many, infidelity is their greatest fear.

The question I have for clients when they come into my office after learning about the infidelity is…

Question: What does it say about you if you give yourself the time, space, validation, and energy you need to figure this out?

Answer: This is a person that is not reactive, that gives themselves permission to not rush their process, and will hopefully come to a decision that they believe is best!

You get to give yourself the time you need to heal. No one else gets to tell you what to do or how to do it.

When you learn about a betrayal, it can be traumatizing and trauma takes time to process.

You get to allow all your feelings to be felt and acquire tools to learn how to sit with and validate uncomfortable feelings so you can move away from guilt, blame, and shame and get to non-judgment, validation, and acceptance.

Judgment is never helpful, whether it is judgment about your partner, yourself, or your feelings. It is not the time for judgment, it is a time in which high doses of self-compassion get to be taken throughout each day, because you truly need your love and attention as you move through this time.

You may feel overwhelmed. You may feel numb. You may feel angry. You may feel all or none of the above and I am here to tell you that your feelings are valid and you get to feel how you feel! The initial shock is tough and people handle it differently due to a bunch of different reasons ranging from how you were raised, to the current state of your relationship, to whether or not there are children involved.

No two relationships are the same, and the reasons why people decide to cheat vary, so there is not going to be a quick, fast, absolute, or “right” decision to make in terms of your next steps.

The one move that can be most helpful is to seek support. Yes, I am a therapist and I do believe in the therapeutic process wholeheartedly. I am also a person who has experienced infidelity and will share that no one should have to go through that alone. Seek support. Whether it is a friend you trust, a family member, a religious/spiritual group, or a licensed professional. If you are struggling, confused, feel isolated, anxious, and/or it is impacting your job, other relationships in your life, and the way that you are taking care of yourself, I encourage finding someone to support you.

You deserve your time.

You deserve your care.

You deserve your self-compassion.

You deserve your self-love as expressed through your boundaries, using your voice, and taking the time you need to process how the infidelity has impacted you. You get to make the decision that is best for you at this time.

The purpose of this post is to encourage you to take a breath, to slow down, and to give yourself permission to take the time needed to figure things out. Oftentimes, people feel compelled to take an immediate action and make a decision around next steps for their relationship right away. While you do not want to prolong the process, you also do not want to rush it.

People will have their opinions, and their opinions may support you, but your opinion matters most. Again, an infidelity will be the end for some relationships and for others, it will be the catalyst for change within the relationship that supports them with creating the relationship they desire together.

If you decide to work on the relationship and the infidelity opened the door to having difficult conversations, and creating a new, more fulfilling, relationship together, I absolutely wish you the best. The fact is that for some couples, with therapy and support to help identify the drivers that led to the infidelity, solutions and interventions can be discovered to help resolve them, and couples decide to stay together and can have a stronger relationship than they did before.

There are times that with or without processing some couples decide not to stay together. Sometimes that decision is mutual, other times one partner makes the decision for both. When infidelity is involved, it is often unpredictable how a couple will proceed until they have both had time to unpack what it means for them individually and what it means for their relationship.

I would never recommend staying in an abusive relationship. If your relationship is abusive or you feel unsafe, get immediate support.

7 PRACTICAL TIPS TO SUPPORT YOU AFTER LEARNING ABOUT THE INFIDELITY:

I have worked with hundreds of clients who have gone through infidelity, while in group practice and currently in my private practice. Here are some immediate steps:

  1. Prioritize your mental health and well-being: by putting yourself first as you work through these steps.
  2. Validate your emotions: accept all of the feelings you are experiencing without judgment and allow them to flow through you.
  3. Try not to be reactive: try not to make an immediate, emotionally charged decision.
  4. Seek support: either a therapist or someone you can trust.
  5. Practice self-care: nutrition and proper sleep are vital. Practice compassionate self-talk, take care of your hygiene and if you are struggling with self-care, please refer to #4.
  6. Identify your needs: reflect, journal, and check in with yourself around what you need in this present moment.
  7. Establish boundaries: create your own emotional safety by creating boundaries.

I have created a journal that includes prompts, practices, affirmations, and exercises that pull from mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, and attachment theory to better understand your feelings at this time. It was created to help individuals work through their initial shock and uncomfortable emotions, create healthy boundaries, and nurture self-love by providing information, validation, and tools that will be useful throughout their lives, long after they have processed the infidelity. I have used the tools in my own life and many of the tools have supported hundreds of clients. I am happy to be able to share them in the form of a journal. The journal is called, “Healing from Infidelity: A Guided Journal,” and is currently on sale on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Target. It is not meant to be a replacement for seeking support at this time. It can be a useful tool on your healing journey.

Sending you love and reminding you that you get to be the author of the story of your life. An infidelity does not have to define you or your relationship.

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE AND DESERVING OF TRUTH

Follow me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/therapy_tam/

Couples, Your Tone May be Ruining Your Communication! Tips to Stop the Confusion!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / 7 Comments

You know how people say, “It’s not what you say, it’s HOW YOU SAY IT?” I’m here to tell you, it’s a real thing and if it keeps coming up in your relationship, I am here to offer some insight and tools!

As a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in New York City, I have seen hundreds of couples in my private practice alone, not to mention the countless families I have worked with throughout NYC and Westchester County. All socioeconomic groups, and I do mean, ALL. Different cultures, ages, sexual orientations, etc. and I can tell you one of the most profound observations I have made during my career and lifetime is that at the end of the day, people are people, meaning mostly everyone wants to feel seen and be spoken to with respect.

Fellow human being, we are more the same than we are different.

As a culture, as well as in my field, we talk a lot about how to have effective communication. I have written blogs specifically around, Validation Do’s and Don’ts, How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship, and Couples Start Arguing Less by Putting Ego to Rest because I am dedicated and passionate around giving couples tools to support their relationships. My goal is to help couples thrive and support the individuals within those relationships with existing authentically while also enjoying their relationship! Today, I want to give center stage to the voice and an important factor that may impact how your message is received:

TONE

I believe this has been a miss on my part in terms of giving it the spotlight, its very own blog. I talk about it DAILY. There is not a day of sessions that goes by that this does not come up. TONE. My hope, is that by the end of this blog, you will go into conversations with your loved one’s reminding yourself that although you may be using thoughtful words and mean those words wholeheartedly, if they lack warmth and passion in tone, they just might be a miss. In fact, your message will probably be diluted, by tone alone.

Sweet words with contradictory tone and body language send mixed signals which can lead to mistrust.

This is unfortunate because more often than not, partner’s mean what they say. There can be many reasons why a person is coming across as cold, disconnected, and detached. I am not here to judge, simply to support your message being delivered and you being heard in a way that accurately conveys your true feelings and intent.

The Research? Let’s go deeper…

The numbers, the research, the controversy!

The past research “proved” that 93% of communication was non-verbal and 7% verbal (the words we choose). Those numbers come from two studies done in 1967, that were run by Psychologist Albert Mehrabian. Many current experts in the field of communication have shared that those numbers are untrue, that the sample was too small, that the research is outdated, and that Mehrabian himself stated that he never meant for those numbers to apply to ALL communication! Well, there you have it!

Have what exactly?

Well, now you know that those numbers may not be exact and that the conversation around the exact percentages is controversial. However, what the current research tells us is that it ALL matters. Your words do matter. Your tone does matter. Your behavior does matter. IT ALL MATTERS!

According to Edward G. Wertheim, Ph.D. in his article, The Importance of Effective Communication (I will leave the link below). Dr. Wertheim identified 5 Roles non-verbal cues can play in communication (I will expand on the cues a bit):

5 ROLES NON-VERBAL CUES PLAY

  • Repetition: Non-verbal cues serve as matching/repeating the message you are conveying verbally. Meaning that your non-verbal cues are matching your words. When all forms of communication match, it leads the listener to feeling safer, and the communicator is therefore more believable and seems more trustworthy.
  • Contradiction: It is this particular cue that causes the most damage during communication. Your non-verbal cues can send the opposite message of what your words are sending/saying. Your tone, body language, and gestures may not match, be incongruent, and/or contradict your words. When your non-verbal cues do not match your words, it usually leads to mistrust and confusion.
  • Substitution:  A non-verbal cue may substitute a verbal message. This can be a look in your eyes (some say the eyes are the windows to our soul) that conveys your message more vividly than words ever could.
  • Complementing: Think of this as the cherry on top. It is a non-verbal cue that complements your words or adds to the message your words are trying to convey. An example would be if your verbally expressed that you are excited for your partner’s promotion and then reached in and gave them a hug while sharing you are proud of them with your words.
  • Accenting: This non-verbal cue is like putting your words in bold, all caps, and underlining. According to Dr. Wertheim, “it may accent or underline a verbal message. Pounding the table, for example, can underline the importance of your message.”

TYPES OF NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION (Special Focus on Voice):

Voice is highlighted below, I also make mention of 6 other non-verbal cues below for your reference:

1. VOICE – What makes this a non-verbal form of communication is that it is considered paralinguistic (part of communication that does not involve words, such as intonation, volume, pitch, timbre, and speed) in which the inflection or sound is what is sending a particular message. I am starting with voice because it is the cue we are honing in on in this blog and it is usually the form of non-verbal communication that comes up most in session. It often leaves both the communicator and the receiver of the message frustrated and confused .

When it comes to the session room (and even sometimes in my personal life), I frequently run across the same issue: One partner shares something verbally and when doing so is completely unaware of what their tone and inflection sound like. I usually hear the receiver tell the communicator:

“You sound like a robot”

“You sound like you are talking to a stranger”

“I heard no emotion at all in your voice, do you even care?”

“You’re using the right words but you sound inauthentic!”

Now, think about the other partner, the communicator. Can you imagine how they feel? Have you ever been told similar words? Have you used them? Put yourself in the shoes of the communicator. They had a long day, they have things on their mind. They are really trying to show up for their partner and they are being 100% authentic. In fact, they are quite proud of themselves for getting to a point in their own self development where they are able to hold a safe space and say validating statements.

EXAMPLE: Taken from a recent session (true story):

Communicator: “I love you babe, I know we will work this out, we have the tools so we will get through this.”

I am wondering how you, the reader, just read that statement made by the communicator. Did the voice in your head read it in a warm or passionate tone? or did you read the words with no tone at all? The tendency of most people is to attach a warm tone to words and phrases like the one’s the communicator used in the example above. I mean come on, let’s admit it, those words are great! There’s the reinforcement of love and commitment, along with a term of endearment. Who wouldn’t be happy to hear those words?

I know someone who was not happy with that message? Can you guess who it was? It was the partner on the receiving end! Although the words are thoughtful, what you are not privy to is how it was said, the good ol’ “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” at play. It was shared in a monotone pitch, low and slow paced, the facial expression was also expressionless. The tone used made it impossible for the receiver to know how the communicator felt because the tone was flat. Hmmm, what message do you think that sent? A contradiction, maybe? How do you think the receiver felt? I can tell you, they felt hurt, confused, and mistrusting. They shared,

Receiver:

“Don’t sound so enthusiastic!”(said sarcastically).

“I am here pouring out my heart, trying to share my feelings and you are yessing me.”

“I feel like you are trying to pacify me and as if you find this conversation boring!”

“If you don’t mean it, please don’t share it.”

“You are either disinterested in me, this relationship, or both.” “Talk about low energy!”

How do you think the communicator felt? I can tell you that as well. They too felt hurt, confused and frustrated. Why? because:

Communicator:

“I don’t understand what’s wrong, I said I love you, I said we’ve got this and you are getting on me for tone…really? I can’t win…” (btw – “I can’t win” is a common response when a partner shares any type of unfavorable feedback).

“You ask me to validate and use team language, I do that and I am still wrong?”

“I really feel like you just want to fight and have a problem when there doesn’t need to be one.”

“You know I had a long day, can you consider how tired I am and not take it personally?”

I can talk for days and days about how this couple can get out of this conflict with the tools of Validation, not making assumptions, not taking things personally, etc. please see my validation blog for more info. However, once again, the purpose of this blog is to HIGHLIGHT TONE.

If only the communicator would have shared with their partner those same exact comforting words with warmth or passion in their tone and would have been fully present, everything would have been different. The entire interaction would have gone a different way. The words were spot on, the delivery was not only lack luster (unbeknownst to the communicator), it was also distancing and contradictory. Tone is used to clarify meaning and if is is contradictory, it is extremely confusing.

I was able to intervene and support the couple with understanding how their dance could have looked differently. I asked what each of them could have done differently. The parts of the sequence I highlighted were, the noble intent behind the Communicators message, the Receiver being able to give the benefit of the doubt while sharing how they experienced the communicator and why. I then had the Communicator slow down, take a few deep breathes, get fully present, and try again.

I specifically asked, “If you could not rely on only your words to convey this message, how would you get it across to your partner?” How can you show them warmth/passion? How can you let them know you care? How will they know you are 100% present in this moment with them?

If you were texting, what emoji would you use? We use emoji’s in text so the receiver understands the emotion behind the words. Are you being expressive (using non-verbal cues) of the emotions behind your words?

The Communicator tried again and needless to say they nailed it! So much so that they elaborated on what they originally said and shared it with a warm tone, as well as deep, focused eye contact. The Receiver was so touched, they cried and thanked their partner. They shared they both felt closer and seen after the exercise. See what awareness, intention, accountability, and slowing down can do!

Brief description of the other types of non-verbal communications:

2. Facial expressions – The human face is extremely expressive and many facial expressions are the same across cultures.

3. Body movement and posture –  The way you sit, walk, hold your head, as well as your posture and movements you make both overt and subtle communicates a lot to those around you.

4. Gestures – Such as a thumbs up, waving and pointing, as well as using your hands when speaking and during conflict.

5. Eye contact – HUGE! Eye contact communicates a world of thoughts and emotions. It can show hostility, affection, attraction, fear, etc. It also supports conversation flow and helps communicate interest.

6. Touch – The act of touch can be a major communicator from a big hug, to a touch on the knee, a caress of your face, a high five, pat on the back, are all examples of sending a message without words.

7. Space – We all need physical space and the amount you have can communicate intimacy and affection and can also be indicative of dominance.

HELPFUL TIPS FOR BOTH THE RECEIVER AND THE COMMUNICATOR

Sidenote re: Contradiction – It is the most confusing cue. It leads to the most arguments. Remember that the way you can get through it as a couple is to stay curious about it.

STAY CURIOUS when either yours or your partner’s words and cues do not align, don’t judge it and don’t take it personally! If they do not match, if it is a mixed message, rather than get defensive, use the tool of compassionately asking…

HOW COME?

Example of times this happens:

  • A partner is furious/extremely triggered and they use a harsh tone and say, “I AM FINE, I LOVE YOU, I JUST NEED A MINUTE!” You may say to yourself, “that was not warm and fuzzy, they’re saying they are fine but they don’t seem fine.” Your partner may be trying to keep you emotionally safe or keep themselves calm or avoid an argument…there can be many reasons. Remember, STAY CURIOUS and ask HOW COME YOUR TONE DOES NOT MATCH YOUR WORDS?

Both the Communicator and the Receiver deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. They both deserve to be given an opportunity to be heard and validated. They both have unique challenges and are in the interaction together. You are both on the same team. Set yourselves and your conversation up for success by ensuring you are individually ready to have the conversation. Taking at least 5 -10 minutes before having a tough conversation gives you time to take some deep breaths/mindful breathing, remind yourself that you are on the same team, that your partner deserves to be validated, and that your message gets to be heard. Ask yourself, “How can I get my message across in a respectful manner that is also authentic to how I am feeling right now and ensure my partner still feels cared for and safe?”

Tips for the Receiver – Try to not take their tone personally. If your partner’s tone is a contradiction, take a deep breath and let them know/bring it to their awareness. Give them the benefit of the doubt/grace and stay curious about what is happening on their end. Remember, when you share how you are hearing them, say it with warmth and love. Do not blame. Do not shame. Your teammate needs you to show up!

Tips for the Communicator – Take a deep breath before communicating. Remind yourself that you are speaking to someone you care about. Remind yourself that you are on the same team. Think about the message you would like to convey and how you would like to be heard. Then ensure that you are conveying that message, with your words and tone. If the Receiver shares that your tone is triggering them or that your tone seems incongruent/contradictory to what you are saying, take another deep breath and do not take it personally. Stay curious, ask them more about how they are hearing you. Validate them, and then try again. Your message gets to be heard!

BOTTOM LINE: SPEAK WITH LOVE (in words and with non-verbal cues), DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY, AND STAY CURIOUS!

Wishing you and your relationship the very best always!

With love, Tamara

Resource: Edward G. Wertheim, Ph.D. in his article, The Importance of Effective Communication

Click to access effectivecommunication5.pdf