Come on, admit it, most of us want to feel special. We especially want our partners to treat us like they consider us special. There are even phrases that have become part of our culture, have you ever been asked the question, “is there a special someone in your life?” Feeling special is linked to feeling loved, safe and valued. We will explore this more and I will share an exercise/homework I use in couples therapy to support couples with having that conversation.
Oh the art of coupledom, it certainly is a lifestyle choice! I recognize that I decided to work with couples for multiple reasons, one major reason being, I happen to love couples. I do believe it is courageous to make a decision to be committed to share life, time, money, energy, and your body with another person. I have written blogs on how to validate your partner, how to make your partner feel safe, how to work on yourself to support your own personal growth and the relationship. I often talk about owning your role, validating your partner, creating emotional safety, identifying triggers, and taking accountability for the current state of your relationship. I wrote a journal to help people heal from an infidelity and a workbook on how to practice self-love after a breakup.
My hope, goal, and heart all want to support couples with not getting to the point where they are looking outside of their relationship because they do not feel special. Some feel the need to end their relationship because they do not feel loved, seen, or prioritized. Many times, they too have a role in how the relationship got there, either because they have not identified or are not clearly expressing their needs, or they too have not been showing up in a way that resonates for their partner. For some, the desire to feel “special” to their partner, impacts their overall happiness.
Does your partner make you feel special?
Better yet, when was the last time you made them feel special? (I am all about accountability).
You are already special, it is crucial that you know and feel that within yourself. Depending on another person to make you feel special in order to feel valuable or worthy is a recipe for disaster. However, if you know your value and worth, if you practice self-love and are fulfilled from within, it feels pretty great when your life partner reflects that back to you and when YOU REFLECT THAT BACK TO THEM!
Now some may argue or push back and share, “we can not make someone feel anything.” Emphasis on the “make.” However, there are actions, words, and love languages that when extended to your partner, can elicit feelings of love, safety, and appreciation and that can make a person feel, dare I say it? Special. More specifically, special to YOU.
You are not responsible for “making” your partner feel special. However, if you consider them special to you, why would you not want to let them know it with your words and actions?
Being a loving and supportive partner means that you do things because you want to, not because you “have to.” You may not necessarily “want to” do a specific thing, however the hope is that you are driven by the want and desire to see your partner happy, to witness how they express themselves when they feel loved and valued, and you want to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Both partner’s get to show up for one another and create an environment of reciprocity and investment in one another’s happiness.
This is not simply ego based. For every missed opportunity to connect, there is the potential release of the stress hormones of adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. Whenever we feel loved, seen, and special, there is a release of the “happy hormones” of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin (love hormone), and endorphins. Research shows that healthy relationships lead to longer, more fulfilling lives, as well as better mental and physical health. While unhappy/unfulfilling relationships can lead to more ailments and depression.
When I ask the question in therapy, “What do you do that makes your partner feel special?’ I am met with the following responses:
- I make sure I cook a healthy meal everyday to ensure they are getting the nutrients they need.
- They are the person I tell my secrets and insecurities to.
- I married them (or moved in with them), so they obviously know they are special.
- I make sure they have what they need such as gas in their car, a ride to work, their favorite beverage in the refrigerator.
- We have sex.
- I get dressed up when we go out to show them I still care about how I present myself when we spend time together.
- I tell them I love them everyday.
- I serve them their meal first when we eat.
- They are the first person I call when I hear good (or bad) news.
- They know I would put them before any other person in my life.
Those are some of the most popular replies. They all sound pretty solid. They are thoughtful gestures, they definitely show care, so what’s wrong with those responses?
Actually, nothing at all. However, just because something makes a person feel cared for and loved, does not mean that it makes them feel “special.”
According to Merriam-Webster the definition of Special is “distinguished by some unusual quality,” “held in particular esteem”… “held in particular esteem.”
The examples above are loving, thoughtful gestures we get to keep in mind that what makes one feel cared for is not necessarily what makes them feel “special,” and just because something makes you feel special, doesn’t mean it lands in the same way for your partner.
We as human beings do a great job at of pointing out when someone else falls short. We know when we have been triggered, feel hurt, unseen, and undesirable. Usually, we get angry and feel hurt when our partner does not do the things that make us feel like they value us, see us, and desire us. We all deserve to be in a relationship where we feel valued and respected. Who does not want to be loved and desired by their partner?
My question to you is, when was the last time you made your partner feel special?
How do you know?
I will share a brief case study:
Joanna and Randy have been married for only two years when they came in for therapy because Randy was feeling “unseen” by Joanna. Randy shared that Joanna no longer made him feel “special” stating, “she treats me like she treats everyone else, other than sex, there is nothing that belongs to only us.”
Joanna, frustrated shared that Randy, “is being ridiculous, I let him use the bathroom first in the morning, I pick up his favorite dessert periodically, I do things ALL THE TIME to make him feel special.”
Randy went on to share that although he appreciates those things, they do not make him feel special. When asked what makes him feel special, Randy shared things he missed and longed for such as, “asking me for my opinion,” “greeting me with a kiss when I come through the door,” “giving me/us undivided attention when we talk.” He went on to share that he was hurt when Joanna took her best friend to a wine bar that had previously been “their spot,” and that he no longer feels like it is “their special place.”
Joanna was able to validate Randy while also sharing that some of those things were off of her radar. She was unaware how much Randy valued them and how he was impacted. We continued to discuss what makes Joanna feel special and she shared, “I feel special everyday, just by being Randy’s wife.”
Lesson…feeling special is different for different people. Some may value conversations and feeling heard, some may value feeling sexually desired, some may value feeling safe, some may value feeling/being treated as if they are “special.” Special meaning, they are receiving something that no one else receives. It makes them feel loved and it usually makes them feel safe.
An Exercise Straight out of Couples Therapy
Complete the following sentences and answer the following questions in preparation for your conversation:
- I feel special to you when you _______________________________.
- I feel most appreciated by you when you do/say ____________________.
- I try to show you I consider you special by ________________.
- Something I do for you that I do not do for others is ________________.
- The last time you made me feel special was when you _______________.
Carve out time to discuss your answers:
- Set aside intentional time, put the phone down, and ensure there are no interruptions.
- Have a pen and paper handy in case you want to keep notes.
- Allow your partner to fully share without interruption.
- Be honest with what comes up for you and hold a safe space for your partner by not being defensive or reactive.
- KEEP IT POSITIVE! Do not use blaming or shaming language. You are sharing what you appreciate, not what they are doing/not doing “wrong.”
- Stay curious, ask questions, and get deep!
- Validate what they share, remember, what makes a person feel special is unique and personal.
- DO NOT TAKE any of what they share personally or label it as a criticism/critique.
You will change over time and so will your partner. Therefore your relationship changing is inevitable. It is crucial to have periodic check in’s to ensure you are on the same page and that all your effort to make your partner feel special is not in vain. Every now and then, people like to feel special, prioritized, and “help in particular esteem.”
Each person is unique, equally valuable, and deserving of love. We are all uniquely special and it is crucial that we know this within ourselves. We can not seek from outside of us, what gets to originate/be birthed within us. When we choose to be in partnership, it is good to know and feel that your partner values and sees you. However, we do not get to depend on our partners to provide us with the security and love that gets to come from within.
The purpose of this blog is to serve as a reminder that we get to be proactive in our relationships, we get to continue to ask questions, and get to know the latest versions of ourselves and our partners.
When was the last time you made your partner feel special? Maybe it’s time to find out, ask them!
With Love, Tamara
