self-awareness

One Simple Question can Create One Amazing Life…Stop Self-Limiting Beliefs Now!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment
Keep Climbing. Limits are an Illusion.

I can’t because...(insert excuse here)

I would but I….(insert self limiting belief here)

I am not able to because….(insert your rationalization)

It will not work because….(please list all the reasons that voice inside your head has given to convince you that your idea will not work)

Stop it, please stop it, and please do us all a favor and shut up!!!!! Not you the person, just that voice inside your head that keeps stopping you from living your best life and keeps you so busy with negative chatter you stay stuck! Why does that voice always do that? You can quiet that voice with a question.

Questions? Questions. Questions….they really are so powerful, what are just as powerful are our answers. Questions prompt us to respond, but how much of that is scripted? in other words shared exactly the same way all the time, as if on autopilot with no thought whatsoever. It is part of our programming, years of doing the same things, speaking to ourselves the same way, and others reinforcing those beliefs.

In graduate school we are taught questions to ask clients during the therapeutic process. The right questions prompt us to think deeply, force us to reflect, and once answered, especially once voiced out loud, our words, which are fueled by our thoughts and emotions have immense power. Power to cripple and power to create. So, we get to answer the questions with the understanding that there is a direct correlation between the words we choose and what we bring to fruition/manifest in our lives.

There is one question, that impacts me more than any other. I was asked the question some time ago during a time in my life when unbeknownst to me, I was living a life filled with self-limiting beliefs. I walked through life with thoughts that there were things I could not, should not, and would not be able to do because of a bunch of (fear based) reasons. My perceived inability to do something was linked to the belief that it was beyond my ability/control, and that other people would determine whether or not I would be successful.

I did not know then that we create our limits, others (parents, teachers, society) may have imposed limits on us but how long can we allow ourselves to have a cap, a ceiling, a limit, on our dreams? I see it now, I see it clearly and it supports me with supporting all of my amazing clients, friends and family with their self-talk and their self limiting beliefs.

I was presented with an opportunity at a time in my life when I had a lot on my plate. Family commitments, a career transition, a fitness journey, etc. At the time I truly believed I could not do it, it was unrealistic, and it would not be as important as everything else because it was more of an indulgent passion than a priority or what I felt I “should be doing,” so, I answered:

Reason/Excuse #1: “I can’t because I do not have enough time to prepare

Reason/Excuse #2: I am really not that good, it is just a hobby

Reason/Excuse #3: I am just not able to do it right now

The person presented me with the “one simple question” I will share in a moment and I felt invalidated, misunderstood and frustrated around why I was continuing to be asked to do something I clearly “could not” (not true) do.

And then I had to get very real with myself and ask the tough questions, “why do I keep pushing back?” “why am I defensive?” why am I struggling to answer this question?” “why am I not entertaining this concept, this idea that I can?” why won’t I allow myself to envision something different? (asking yourself those types of questions is crucial to self-awareness and self-actualization).

One question can create a whirlwind of thoughts and creativity, digging deeper and pushing limits. It inspires…

THAT ONE SIMPLE QUESTION THAT CAN CHANGE EVERYTHING IS:

BUT, WHAT IF YOU COULD? 

It’s always interesting to me because the word “but” negates and so we know not to use the word “but” because it negates everything that came before it and with this question in particular, I am in love with the word BUT…why? because but is absolutely necessary for effect around saying, “let’s forget all of the reasons why you are claiming that you can not do this thing and talk about what it would look like if you could!” How freakin’ empowering!

Why? because when asked the question, it forces us out of the story we have been telling ourselves about our problem/situation and about who we are. It forces us to rewrite the script and create a version of our story where we get to have an empowering outcome, a more peaceful existence, a story of hope rather than a reiteration of all that is wrong in our lives.

Every time you tell yourself you can’t, every time you are bought into the fact that something is impossible either because other people have told you it is impossible or your negative self-talk has convinced you that it is impossible, stop, be intentional and ask yourself but, what if I could? what if it was possible? Give yourself permission to answer that question, to see yourself differently, to create an opportunity. Rewrite your story.

Get empowered by the answer and then go out and do it! Do the thing! Recognize the fear. Validate your feelings, ask yourself the question, and then decide to either make a decision based in fear or one based around belief in self and self-love. Remember this is not about being unrealistic or invalidating your circumstances. It is about challenging the beliefs you have about yourself, other people, and the world.

Fear will convince you that you can not

Fear will make you think you don’t care

Fear will tell you that it will not work

Fear will stifle your creativity

Fear will cheat you out of opportunities

Fear will steal your time

Fear will tell you that you are not good enough

Fear was created to protect you, thank it for bringing things to your attention and then put it on the shelf while you ask yourself…..

But, what if I could start that business I’ve been dreaming of ?

what if I could audition for my dream role?

what if I could commit to my partner?

what if I could start dating again after heartbreak?

what if I could pursue or figure out my passion?

what if I could go back to school?

what if I could tell her I love her?

what if I could come out to my family?

what if I could heal from the trauma I have experienced?

what if I could be happy?

what if I could forgive myself?

Ask yourself, what if I could?….

You can! You can! You can! It will take action and once you ask yourself what if I could? the next step is to Create a PLAN and then PUT IT IN ACTION. You may need the support of others, perhaps networking more often (try meetup.com), it may take gaining a new skill, or finding a therapist, it may take time, it may not happen overnight, and one thing that it will absolutely take to do this is courage!

Be courageous! If there is a goal that you have, if there is a dream that you aspire to, if there is a talent you would like to explore, if you would like to take your relationship to the next level, if there is a degree you would like to obtain, if there is a career change you have been considering making, if you would like to shoot your shot and just go for something…..before talking yourself out of it, before shutting the door that you never allowed to fully open, the next time you tell yourself you can’t, remember me asking you this one simple question….

BUT, WHAT IF YOU COULD?

Everything you need is everything you are. Wishing you love, light, clarity, and perseverance on your very amazing and necessary individual journey. Remember, you can!

TRIGGERED! The Unhealed Wound: Couples Only Survive when Individuals Do Their Work! 7 Steps to Help…

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT

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Do you sometimes feel as if your partner’s main objective in life is to piss you off? Do you find that the harder you try to get along, the more you find yourself getting triggered? Do you think about ending the relationship once and for all  just because you are so frustrated and feel as if you can not take it anymore?

The trigger conversation comes up often in couples work and the question of “why is my partner always triggering me?” has a simple, yet layered answer. There are many who wonder why the partner they love more than anything is the one that hurts them the most. Conflict usually arises when one partner is triggered and reacts/responds with their default coping strategy/defense mechanism (by the way and for the record, that default coping mechanism is usually not your truth). It is often a way to protect yourself that you discovered/created in early childhood or adolescence for survival and although once useful, has probably run its course and is no longer healthy or appropriate.

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So your partner has triggered you, now what? The tendency is to turn to our partner and blame them for hurting us, for bringing up uncomfortable feelings, for our increased anxiety, and/or our inability to move forward. We blame them for our insecurities, the fact that we won’t go to the gym, the fact that our career is not where we want it to be, the fact that we are unhappy. Sometimes we react with a counter punch to shut them down and shut them up or we may become withholding, close off, and turn away, depending on what our coping strategy/defense mechanisms are. We then point the finger and become the innocent victims of our partners cruelty, usually failing to take accountability for our role or how we blew up or shut down once we were triggered. Sharing stories with our friends, family, co-workers, and therapist around how our partner pushes all of the right buttons that cause us to react and act out of character. It is clearly their fault!

Being triggered hurts more from some people than others for a reason, usually because we have higher expectations and hopes of the people we open our hearts to and when those people say or do things that hurt our feelings (even when it is unintentional),the harder the fall…the deeper the wound. Although the wound may be deepening, it is not new and even though they might have said something hurtful, the wound of origin was not caused by them.

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The current trigger activates an old wound and not just any wound, a wound we have not fully healed from and may not be aware of. The wound of origin. That first wound that made you feel alone, abandoned, unworthy, unsafe, etc. Sometimes, our partners unintentionally trigger us, yet we make them wrong and leave no room for explanation, we tell ourselves the same narrative that we have carried around for years. When we are bought into our own negative thought patterns, we learn to extract all the information we feel will support our negative narrative, the one where our partner does not love us, is inconsiderate, is selfish and end up struggling to see all of the positive attributes our partners possess, all the ways they show love, and all the things they are presently doing “right.”

7 Things to do when your Partner Triggers you:

  1. So you have been hurt, something that your partner has done (or didn’t do), said (or didn’t say) has brought about an uncomfortable emotion. As soon as you recognize that you have been triggered, STOP (visualizing a Stop sign may help).
  2. Remind yourself that you are working towards having more self-awareness. Your goal is to respond, not react. You are working towards gaining emotional maturity.
  3. Turn towards your partner and share that you have been triggered, let them know what triggered you and the thoughts and feelings coming up for you around that trigger. If you are unsure of what you are feeling (go to step 5), ask for a few minutes to process what is coming up for you.
  4. Give your partner an opportunity to show up for you and the relationship. Give them a chance to validate your feelings and in turn, thank and validate them.
  5. Take a time out. Give yourself a few minutes to process what just happened. Usually the conversation escalates quickly after the trigger, slow down. Sit with yourself and identify what emotion is coming up for you and think back to your earliest memory of experiencing that emotion. Think about the thoughts that came up for you. What did that experience tell you about the world around you? and who you are in this world?
  6. Share with your partner what you learned about yourself and together you can work towards finding ways to work through the trigger when it arises. Discuss what they did or said that had a negative impact on you and share how it relates/links to a past wound.
  7. Acknowledge for yourself that you did it! You did something different, you just had a “win” because you handled being triggered differently! You are on the road to putting the pieces together, having an increased level of self awareness, and becoming less reactive when you are triggered by your partner.

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Everyone gets triggered it’s what you do in those moments that matter. The awareness and understanding of what is happening for you in the moment and why, will decrease reactivity. Return to the wound of origin, nurture your inner child, provide the support for yourself you wish you would have received at that time, the support you need now. HEAL. Only you have the ability to heal your heart, to provide the safety, compassion, and acceptance to all the parts of yourself. If you look to your partner to do it for you, they will fail.

If you truly want to connect with your partner and move past difficult conversations, you have to do your work. 

The trigger is an opportunity, it is a road-map to the place in your heart that is wounded.

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New Response – When triggered, rather than getting lost in the anger, practice appreciation for the fact that you now have information that will support you with finding, healing and releasing the wound of origin. If you do not do this work, you will continue to be triggered, you will continue to blame your partner, you will continue to have conflict, you will continue to be guarded, you will continue to be fearful, you will continue to be stuck and what causes the most danger to a relationship, is having unfair and unrealistic expectations around your partner’s role/responsibility in “making” you happy. 

Each of us has been wounded, no one comes out of childhood unscarred. The “work” is about knowing what those wounds are and how they are showing up in your life right now, present day, in this moment. You have the ability to create a more fulfilling life and a more fulfilling relationship. Yes, in a partnership you get to love and support one another however you can not do all the work for another person and they can not do all the work for you. It is impossible to grow together if one partner is stuck. Once you become emotionally mature you can make clear/rational decisions about your relationship. 

Avoidance, fear and denial will attempt to keep you stuck and blaming others. Awareness, acceptance, self-compassion and courage will provide the positive energy, clarity, and light that will set you free! Turn inward, identify, process, release, heal and share your journey with your partner every step of the way.  The key to a couple growing together is the acceptance that during the couple journey, there will be times in which you have to travel part of the way on your own and trusting that once you do, you will come back to one another with an increased awareness of self and more connected to one another.

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Wishing you effective conversations, peaceful resolutions, and the ability to take ownership of your emotions. All couples disagree at times, learning how to move past the disagreement and come out stronger is the best gift you can give to one another and to yourself. You’ve got this!

  • If you feel you may be in an abusive (mentally, physically, or emotionally) relationship, do not blame yourself, seek the help of a licensed professional who can support you with determining if you are a victim of abuse. 

Couples: 3 Ways to Start Arguing Less by putting Ego to Rest, Today!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Ego-judges-and-punishes.-Love-forgives-and-heals.

Ego, ego, my ever present ego, although I constructed thee with the help of society, I no longer want you to be a part of me. I get to discover the truth in me, the soul of me, the authentic beauty of “we” –  TDK

What if this blame/shame game could really come to an end? Why do we have such a hard time hearing and understanding one another? Is it your partner’s fault? Are you waiting for your partner to change? How about doing something different? How about changing something about yourself?

In order to do so, keep one thing in mind, it will not be easy. In fact, it will probably be one of the toughest things you do in life, primarily because the force to be reckoned with is not your partner, what is at the root of the communication glitches is not necessarily you either. It is something much more complicated, oh yes, though part of you, it does not have to define you….IT’S YOUR EGO!

It is impossible for things to stay the same if you change. If you do not show up to a conversation relying on your old script and playing out your role the same way you have in the past, it is impossible for the conversation to stay the same. Yes, of course, when individuals within the couple relationship work on themselves while simultaneously working on their couple relationship, the results can be outstanding and real change can happen at an increased rate. However, this does not mean that you have to wait until your partner makes the first move (your ego may have you convinced that your partner is the one that has to make the changes, not you!).

I currently work with couples who are both working on communicating differently, however the clients I see for individual therapy are also experiencing shifts in their couple relationship due to the changes they are making and the work they are doing on an individual basis around putting their ego to the side and practicing more vulnerability.

How about this? How about coming to the table with the intention that YOU will show up differently? That you will rewrite your script (same old way you have been communicating) and include validation, acceptance, and understanding in your responses? What about not internalizing what your partner shares, because although the ego would like you to believe it is always about you, rude awakening for most of us is, it is not always about us and we do not get to own everything!

Sometimes it is about our partner and the external variables in their lives, outside of us, which are causing them to respond to us differently. Oh fragile ego, step aside and allow me the ability to see things solely from my partners perspective. What an amazing concept. When we put our ego to the side and allow ourselves to understand the perspective of our partner, it opens up the door to understanding, safety, and connection.

3 Healthy and helpful tools to expedite change, to place your ego aside, and to connect with your partner that will lead to healthy communication:

  1. Set your intention for how you would like to show up for the conversation. What is it that you are working on and working towards and how will your actions/words support your goal during the conversation. You are not only doing this for the sake of the relationship, this is a growth opportunity for individuals. Your intentions should be rooted in something you recognize you would like to change about yourself in order to become a more effective communicator. Examples of what you can do: “I set my intention to (________)” and create your personal intention which can be filled in with, “not interrupt my partner when they are speaking,” “validate my partners feelings prior to sharing my thoughts and feelings,” “not blame my partner,” “give my partner eye contact,” “not walk away,” “let my defenses down/be more vulnerable,” etc. 

 

  1. The accountability factor. You get to own your role! When you own your role in how you and your partner reached the point to where you are arguing/feeling disconnected, start the conversation with what you recognize you did to contribute to the current state of the relationship. In doing so you are practicing self-awareness, you are taking ownership, and you are creating an opportunity for your partner to let their defenses down because they are not feeling blamed. Recognizing and sharing your awareness of your role creates a shift in a conversation because couples go from pointing the finger at one another to looking inward in a compassionate way. It is not about being wrong or right, it is about recognizing how you ended up where you are and how you can both do something different to have a different outcome next time.

 

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  1. Ego, you are being placed in a permanent time out!  Imagine placing your ego in time out and allowing your defenses to go down, in an effort to practice vulnerability and not make what your partner is sharing about you. The ego has a funny way of drowning out what your partner is trying to share with you by going into self-preservation/survival mode, the ego gets so loud it becomes impossible to navigate both your ego and your partner at the same time. Visualize seating your ego somewhere else or compartmentalizing your ego for the length of your conversation with your partner. The mistake most of us make is that we internalize (that’s your ego again) what our partner is sharing. We think about how things are going to impact us and about what it means about or for us. In our vanity, if our partner is behaving distant, we must have done something wrong, if our partner is happy, it is because we “make” them happy, if our partner is angry, we must have triggered them. The most important piece is that you are able to hear and listen to understand your partner and their perspective. You may have triggered them, there may be something you did that is triggering them to behave a certain way, however it may also have nothing to do with you. Be open to hearing your partner, and trust what they share, otherwise known as their truth. If you internalize, and make it about yourself, it will be impossible to hear your partner in an open, loving, and unguarded way. A way in which we all deserve to be heard.

When couples practice the tools provided, whether one or all three, growth and genuine change happen. Even if your partner is not entirely bought in, if you practice the tools, the dynamic will change.

Living in possibility that you can create the relationship you desire. If two people are equally invested, with the courage to learn more about themselves and in doing so, learn more about their partner they will be able to have more productive conversations, which will create a stronger connection and lead to couple satisfaction and fulfillment in your relationship. Continue to drown out the voice of the ego and listen to the voice of your partner because that is the voice that speaks directly to your soul and to your heart

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