relationship advice

Couples and Consideration: These Two Simple Questions will Revamp Your Relationship!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

“Hey, did you even consider me in your decision making process?” “Did you think about how I might feel about that?” “Did it cross your mind that your decision can have a negative impact on our relationship?”

“Do you even SEE ME?!?”

Have you ever asked your partner any of those questions? Have you heard your partner share those sentiments with you? If so, you are definitely not alone and you’ve come to the right place!

Who doesn’t want to be and feel considered? Emphasis on the word, “feel,” because oftentimes, partners will say that they are considering their partner and the issue is that the consideration is not landing, not resonating, or simply not “hitting” for their partner.

Just because you are considering your partner, does not mean that they feel considered. For those of you that studied Hamlet in school, you may remember the phrase, “Ay, and there lies the rub!” In other words, therein is where the problem lies!

What you are doing to consider your partner may not be viewed by them as consideration. Therefore may go unseen, overlooked, invalidated, and unappreciated.

I am about to drive this point home because this is something that literally comes up in the therapy room nearly every single day I have sessions. While I do not like to use absolutes, I’ve been observing this for years and it comes up in some way every single day I have held sessions.

Let’s start by defining consideration. Consideration is a noun. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is a “continuous and careful thought” and “a matter weighed or taken into account when formulating an opinion or plan.”

Is that not what most of us want? to be taken into account? Knowing that your partner will be thinking about how their actions will impact you? To be considered can make us feel safe. To be considered can make us feel our partner’s love.

Questions for YOU...

  • Do you consider your partner in your decision making process?
  • Do you consider yourself in your decision making process?
  • Do you know your process? (Do you usually consider your partner before yourself? Do you consider yourself and forget to consider your partner? What weighs more to you? Does it depend? If so, what does it depend on?)

Consideration matters. It is a whole discussion.

It is the difference between feeling like you are creating a safe space where you feel seen and considered or creating a space where one or both partners feel unseen, less important, and/or not considered.

Do you currently feel like your partner does not get you? does not see you? and does not care how you are impacted by their decisions? Do you use your voice?

Do you see your partner? Do you notice their gestures of love? Are you aware of the things they do to support you? The ways in which they are considering you?

Self-Consideration and Consideration of your Partner: WHICH WAY ARE YOU TILTED?

Tilted towards self-consideration: When you consider yourself first and foremost and your partner is either a secondary thought or not a thought at all, they will probably feel it. It will show up in the relationship in some way. It can be challenging for some individuals who have not had to consider others in their decision making in the past. If you are accustomed to only considering your own needs, being completely independent and autonomous, then making the transition to sharing your life with someone and now having another person to consider can be hard. This comes up for many couples I meet with during the first couple of years into their relationship and it is something you want to get ahead of early. Especially if one is always considering the other and that is not reciprocated.

If this process of decision making continues, your partner will more than likely feel disconnected and unseen. They may feel as if their needs and wants are not important to you and that they are not equally valued in the relationship. Being honest with yourself is important. There is a difference between considering your partner and them not feeling or seeing it, and not considering your partner at all.

While we absolutely get to consider ourselves and check in on ourselves first. The issues usually arise when there is only the consideration of self and there is little to no consideration of your partner.

Tilted towards consideration of your partner: This is also not the best space to be in. Why? Although your spouse/partner may appreciate you always leaning into what works best for them and making them happy, if you ignore or abandon your own needs, you are not considering yourself. When you are not considering yourself and your partner is also not considering you, it leads to an imbalance in the relationship that can also lead to resentment, disconnection, and even depression. Relationships where one person feels happy and fulfilled and the other is having a completely different experience happens often. It especially happens when one partner does not feel seen and supported.

Struggling to consider yourself can also happen if you grew up in a household where you were either instrumentally or emotionally parentified (asked/made to take on developmentally inappropriate adult roles as a child) or your needs were not considered, you may get into a relationship and recreate that very dynamic. You may take on the role of being sacrificial, because that is a role you are familiar with. What can happen next is the creation of a relationship where you are dismissing your needs and teaching your partner to not consider your needs as well!

There can and will be times in our relationships where we lean in to our partner and that is a beautiful dance couples do throughout the years. Taking turns taking the lead and/or leaning in can keep things flowing, it can lead to an organic expansion of self and the relationship. What you want to be mindful of is if you usually tilt all the way to either side of the continuum to the point where a long-term imbalance is created and one partner’s needs are usually not met.

What type of relationship are you currently co-creating?

TWO QUESTIONS TO ENSURE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER FEEL CONSIDERED:

  1. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MYSELF?
  2. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MY PARTNER?

WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, you and your partner get to determine what your unique relationship looks like. Regardless of how your relationship is structured, consideration of all parties involved usually leads to deeper connection and fulfillment.

Formula for a healthy dynamic where when making decisions you:

1st: Consider yourself, how might this help you, support you, expand you and in what ways? Essentially, what are the pros and cons for you?

2nd: Consider your partner, how might the decision impact them? Based on what you know about them, their value system, and what they have shared with you, how might this decision make them feel? While we do not want to make assumptions, we do want to be able to share with our partner the ways in which we considered them.

  • An answer, conclusion, and decision usually works best when those two questions are answered. When both partners feel seen, heard, valued, and CONSIDERED in the decision.

Together, collaboratively, with open hearts and ready to listen and validate, share with one another, how each of you feel the decision may impact the relationship. The relationship “belongs” to you both. Understanding your individual needs is vital in creating a relationship that works for both of you.

Consideration Case Study – Jonathan and Hannah

Jonathan gets offered a promotion. The increase in salary will support the household with more financial security and opportunity. However, the promotion comes with more responsibility, and he will have less free time. Jonathan is ambitious and believes this is the best next step for him and therefore, for his relationship. His main focus is advancing in his career, he is very happy working at his company, and is excited about the possibility of bringing more money into the household. Jonathan has worked hard for this and is proud of himself!

His partner, Hannah has been feeling unseen and disconnected from Jonathan. She works in education and when she leaves her job at 5:30pm everyday, she does not “bring work home” with her. Hannah often feels she is in “competition with his job.” She cares less about the finances and believes they need to make their relationship more of a priority. She would like Jonathan to be content with the position he currently has with less responsibility or find a new job that pays more and requires less hours. The last thing she wants is for him to take on more responsibility at his current job. She believes his lack of boundaries with his job is a reflection of his lack of prioritization of her needs in the relationship.

After Jonathan learnes about his promotion, he comes home with flowers for Hannah and excited to share his news, stating, “Guess what honey, everything is going to change, I have wonderful news.” Hannah, is excited because she only receives flowers on her birthday and has not experienced this level of enthsiasm from Jonathan in quite sometime. As she grabs a vase for her flowers she is also filled with curiousity and hope. She is looking forward to hearing what Jonathan has to share, believing that he has finally heard her and is going to let her know how he has considered her. She is feeling seen and considered because of his gestures, his tone, and his enthusiasm.

Jonathan proceeds to share, “I did it, I got the promotion babe. Our lives are going to get so much better! We can finally remodel the kitchen and get some other things done!” Hannah, has a tough time holding it together and becomes emotional. She begins to sob and Jonathan is confused. Just like that she feels unseen, unconsidered. He too feels unseen, unappreciated, and unsupported. They reach out to me for their first couples session!

What happened here? Hannah did not feel like Jonathan took her into consideration and did not consider how excited Jonathan was about his promotion. Jonathan felt excited to share his “good news” but may not have considered how Hannah would feel about it. Both of them thought about the relationship. However, they were thinking about the relationship through their individual lenses.

Hannah expressed:

  • “He said that HE, “did it”, I, I, I…it is always about him. He doesn’t even think about me or ask me about major decisions.”
  • “The priority to me right now is our connection and our intimacy. This will take away more of what we do not have enough of, TIME.”
  • “I feel like his main relationship is with work and I feel like his mistress begging for time.”
  • “No matter how many times I tell him I miss him and need him, he does nothing about it. It is obvious that my feelings don’t matter to Jonathan.”

Jonathan expressed:

  • “Is she serious right now? this is the best thing that can happen for us right now.”
  • “I worked hard for this, she is not even happy for or proud of me. She is never my cheerleader.”
  • “She is the one being selfish, I am just trying to make sure we are secure. I feel so unappreciated.”
  • “Everything I do, I do for us, I find it insulting that she say I am not considering her, she is ALL I am considering.”

Jonathan believes he is considering himself, his wife, and their lives together in terms of stability. Hannah believes she is considering herself and their relationship in terms of connection and emotional fulfillment.

I gave them the homework of these three questions:

  1. How are you considering yourself and the impact that Jonathan taking the promotion will have on you as an individual?
  2. How are you considering what Jonathan has shared with you regarding his thoughts and feelings about the decision to take the promotion? Why do you believe it is important to/for him?
  3. How do you believe this decision will impact your relationship?
    • What are the current needs of your relationship?
    • What are ways this decision may bring you closer?
    • What are ways this decision may create more distance?

THE CONVERSATION

Remember, in terms of considering your partner, It is not about how YOU want to consider your partner. It is about how your partner wants to be considered. WHAT THEY ARE ULTIMATELY EXPRESSING IS WHAT WILL SUPPORT THEM WITH FEELING YOUR LOVE.

Consideration is needed to feel emotionally safe in your relationship. Consideration is vital to feeling loved. Navigating partner and self consideration in love takes intention.

You want to go back into the conversation able to discuss the three questions I gave Jonathan and Hannah in depth. It will take introspection, consideration, and compassion. Are you considering what your partner has expressed is important to them? How are you showing up for yourself? How are you showing up for your partner?

You are ready to begin the conversation when you are able to present:

  1. Here is how I am considering myself.
  2. Here is how I am considering what you have shared is important to you.

You want to be able to identify how you have considered yourself AND your partner in your decision making. If you have children and/or pets, you want to also think about how you have considered the other members of your household.

Reaching a decision where you both feel seen and considered is not always easy. If you find yourselves at an impasse, consider seeking additional support, such as couples therapy. Sometimes there are conflicting needs and/or wants. It does not have to lead to resentment or mean the end of your relationship. It can present an opportunity to dig deeper and work together to find a way to move forward in partnership and in love.

Your relationship needs you both. How are each of you considering your relationship?

Consideration of myself + Consideration of my partner = Consideration of the Relationship. In order to reach a solution/conclusion/decision that will work for the relationship, both partners get to be considered.

TAKE ACTION NOW!

When you feel disconnected, detached, and indifferent in your relationship, there is no time to wait, there is no time to waste. The time to take action is NOW. If you still want your relationship to be healthy and thrive, do not make the fatal mistake so many people make, which is they believe they have limitless time.

Even the strongest relationships need time, they need to be nurtured, and as you continue to grow as individuals, couples need time to understand the changes that are happening within themselves and in the world around them so that they can grow together.

For all those who have asked the question, “How can I get my partner to consider me?” Please share this article with them to ensure you are both considering one another.

If you take one thing away from this article, let it be this…

YOU MATTER, THEY MATTER, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP MATTERS. ENSURE YOUR ACTIONS ARE A REFLECTION OF THAT AWARENESS AND ARE IN ALIGNMENT WITH YOUR HEART!

“Remember, US?” Wake Up, Your Relationship Needs You! 5 Tools to Help…

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT

Hey, the world is changing (newsflash, it always is) and it is hard to feel grounded in times of so much uncertainty. I get that you are stressed…and confused. I know you are battling with your own challenges, and work is probably CRAZY right now, that’s if you are lucky enough to be working right now. Right now? Let’s be honest, it has probably been crazy. If it is not one stressor, it is another, and another, most definitely another. One thing I have learned personally is that, there will always be ANOTHER FREAKIN’ STRESSOR! We can not help all that happens in this world, but we can learn how to manage how we deal with it and how we treat the people we care about in the process. So you need “me” time, “self-care” time, “alone” time. You need time to decompress, relax, connect with others, and of course connect with self. When you are doing those things, when you are deep in thought and giving yourself permission to be selfish, do you think about how that impacts the person you decided to be in a relationship with? While it is crucial that you take time to connect with/understand self, I have a question for you…

What about your relationship?

The world is indeed in flux right now. We have all been impacted in one way or another. Whether we have been directly impacted or we have been impacted in relation to others, we have been impacted because our world has been impacted. What does that mean? It means you have been impacted. What else does this mean? It means your relationships have inevitably been impacted. It is tough, it is different, why not turn to your partner and team up. Turn towards your partner and get through it together.

Whether you categorize the impact as “good” or “bad” I am not here to support you with putting a value on the perceived current state of your relationship. Perhaps you found this blog because you are looking to save your relationship, fall back in love, or simply feel more connected. The purpose of this post is to remind you that if you have a partner, someone you care about, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or a spouse, etc. Your relationship has been impacted by life events (baby, marriage, death, infidelity) and world events(politics, racism, pandemics, unemployment). As you change, your relationship shifts, and in order to move through those ebbs and flows together, you have to talk.

While I highlight the need to take care of yourself quite frequently in my blog posts and affirmations, I have an internal obligation which compels me to share (just in case it has been off your radar) your relationship with your romantic partner needs attention and relationship-care as well.

In December of 2019, I wrote a blog called, “Remember, “ME,” in which I talked about getting to know yourself fully, intimately, and unconditionally. The message of the blog is important and is always relevant. Self-love is necessary to fully love another person free of co-dependency and wounds. Today I right a blog entitled, “Remember, US.” Us, being your chosen romantic partner. The person you decided to be in some kind of relationship with, spend time with, share life with, marry, be entangled with, have children with, live with…

Your relationship needs you. We are all quick to point the finger at our partner when we are unhappy. We blame them, we resent them, we vilify them. My question to you is, WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE CURRENT STATE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Whether it is smooth sailing right now or the two of you are contemplating separation, you share in the present state as well as the outcome. You contributed to the current state of your relationship. What is your vision for tomorrow? What do you want for your relationship?

Begin to envision the relationship you want. Do not try to make it how it was. Think about what you want to create for your relationship moving forward. If you want a more loving, warm, and supportive relationship then envision yourself being warmer, being supportive, and being loving. Ask your partner to join you on this quest for a happier and healthier relationship. Are you both invested? Again, IF YOU ARE BOTH INVESTED, you can create the amazing relationship you both deserve.

Even if there has been hurt, infidelity, and/or breach of trust, you can work towards creating a deeper level of understanding and connectedness moving forward. Sometimes, that is not possible. Sometimes, relationships end. If you do not want your relationship to end AND your partner shares the same goal, you still may have a chance to not only save your relationship but also be happy within your relationship! I encourage you to seek couples and/or individual therapy if one or both partners have emotionally checked out and are struggling to engage in the tools section of this post.

5 TOOLS TO BEGIN RELATIONSHIP-CARE:

  1. Identify your strengths as a couple. Question: What do I consider our relationship strengths? (Examples: we are both family oriented, we are supportive of one another, we have shared goals, we have great sex and are satisfied with our current sex life, we have stimulating conversations, we are both neat, we value friendships, we are both independent, we share the same spiritual/religious/political beliefs, we both like to exercise, we are both vegans, we are in a similar/same profession, we love pets, we both respect one another’s alone time, we both take on problems head on, etc…). When you know your strengths, you can use them in other areas of your relationship. It helps when you can remind yourselves that there are ways in which the two of you navigate that are unique strengths that you can build upon.
  2. Ask yourself, what type of relationship do I want? (examples are, how much time you spend together, what do you want to do when you are together, how you show compassion to one another, how you listen to one another, activities you want to try together, how you appreciate being supported, how you enjoy supporting your partner). Schedule time to SHARE your answers with one another, explore what your partner shares, gather information to learn how your partner feels, validate and listen to understand. Remember, in order to create the relationship you both want, you each have to be willing to do your part!
  3. Assess: Are there things you may need to let go of in order to create a relationship you are both happy with? Are there negative narratives about yourself/your partner’s habits, personality, and/or activities they enjoy? Identify what those narratives/stories are, the stories about your partner and the stories about your couple dynamic (examples are: she is closed off and cold, he never listens, we are just not that type of couple, we are a couple that likes to argue, we don’t need all that time together, he/she/they will never change, etc.) Are you willing to let go of past stories? What about your own self limiting beliefs about who you are? You have to be willing to create a new story for yourself as well. You have to be willing to let the old viewpoints go. It doesn’t mean being ignorant of past behavior. It means giving each of you and your relationship room to grow and see things differently.
  4. What are some new things you would like to practice/embrace? The two of you can check in with one another around any ideas you have for new, concrete practices. (Examples: the use of terms of endearment, date night/sacred time, more tender/adventurous/playful/spontaneous/scheduled sex, cooking together, more communication throughout the day, a spiritual practice, an exercise regimen, going for a walk holding hands, taking a class together, more time with other couples, etc…). Step #2 talks about sharing what you want to create, this step puts those ideas into tangible and concrete practices you can take action to achieve. Once you create a plan together, step 5 will support you both with staying consistent and continuing to have connecting conversations.
  5. Action: Create a plan and designate a day to check in with one another. It can be a weekly check in over coffee/tea/wine or a monthly check in. Figure out the time and activity together, considering each of your individual schedules. Holding yourself accountable is crucial. You want to come together as a team and see how each of you are feeling about the relationship. Go into the conversation with a positive/proactive approach, one in which you are taking accountability and are giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. You both get to create an emotionally safe environment for one another. No blaming. No shaming. No name calling. Remember to validate before you share, and navigate from a place of love. If you need additional support, it may be time to get the support of a relationship counselor/therapist.

The above questions and outline can support getting you started and beginning important conversations that can lead to relationship transformation. Relationships take work, they require time, and commitment. Oftentimes, we take our relationships for granted, we do not take the time to support them with growth and expansion and then we get frustrated when they are not thriving. Your relationship is not separate from you. You are part of your relationship. Do you want to feel differently about the relationship? Show up differently and build on the strengths your relationship already has. As a couples therapist it has been my experience that in order for healing and rebuilding to take place, BOTH partners have to be willing to challenge themselves to grow and be fully invested in the process.

I have two other blogs, “Validation Do’s and Don’ts for Couples” and “Talk to Me, 6 Ways to Create Emotional Safety in your Relationship,” that can support each of you with additional tools for tough conversations.

Wishing you the very best and hoping that you find the courage and inner strength to identify what it is that you want, and then do your part to create it!

As always, with love, Tamara

If you are or believe you may be a victim of Domestic Abuse, please see the following links for support:

In New York City: https://www1.nyc.gov/site/hra/help/domestic-violence-support.page

In New York State: https://opdv.ny.gov/help/dvhotlines.html

National Hotlines: https://victimconnect.org/resources/national-hotlines/