KEY POINTS:

• Healthy, conscious relationships require the ability to both self-regulate and co-regulate.
• Co-regulation is healthy. Over-reliance on your partner without self-regulation can become codependency.
• Finding the balance of self-regulation and allowing yourself to be supported by your partner is key.

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and relationship expert with a private practice in Midtown Manhattan for over 12 years, I have supported over a thousand couples both in-person and virtually. Currently, the practice of co-regulation in couples dynamics is a hot topic and is causing some confusion since it is often mistaken for codependence. It is my intention to provide clarity for couples around what co-regulation is, how crucial self-regulation is in the process, and how to recognize when they are experiencing codependency vs co-regulation.

QUICK CASE EXAMPLE:

I will share what this typically looks like in session. We will call the couple, Jess and Mike.

Jess comes home from a tough day at work. She had her bi-annual performance review and was hurt and angry when she was told she was not up for a promotion she felt she earned. She walks in the door and begins to share with Mike, “I had a horrible day today, I am unappreciated at work and I am exhausted and feel like I am done with corporate life.”

Mike shares, “yeah, that sucks, you know how it goes babe, try not to take it personally. You know how good you are, that’s all that matters.”

Jess begins to cry and shares, “you don’t get it at all, nobody gets it, nevermind, I should have figured you would say something like that…how can I not take it personally Mike! Really?! Well, you know what else matters? My performance review! It matters for promotions, it matters for bonuses, it matters for raises. UGH, forget it! (Jess did not clearly state what she needed from Mike and was triggered by his response leading to escalation and shutdown).

Mike then escalates, “You’ve got to be kidding me, so you are angry at me now? I stopped everything I was doing to be here for you and it was not good enough, as usual. Forget it? seriously? okay, forgotten!” (Mike was unable to remain grounded and self-regulate once he was triggered).

They brought this sequence to their next couples session to discuss…

What happened here? Jess was upset and Mike tried to validate and share but that was not what Jess wanted or needed to hear in that moment. Jess became elevated and escalated. Mike met her with a calm demeanor but quickly escalated as well. Now we have two partners that are struggling to regulate themselves.

Mike was unable to be a safe haven for Jess, and Jess was not able to express what she needed clearly enough to Mike to set him up for success. They both eventually shutdown after feeling misunderstood.

They both wanted connection but struggled to find their way back to one another because what they needed to do first was access inner calm and then trust that it was safe to re-engage.

They both needed to self-regulate prior to re-engaging.

Can you imagine this happening to you?

Imagine a day you had a tough encounter with someone and came home feeling upset and/or triggered. You turn to your partner for emotional support and they try their best to be there for you, and you STILL don’t feel better.

You get angry with them because you are still not calm. You feel frustrated at them because you are still unhappy. You don’t feel seen by them because you are still elevated and your heart rate is not slowing down. How can they be “your person” and not know the magic words or gesture that will make this all feel better? The person that can make your anxious body feel safe. The one that will bring calm to your fight or flight tendencies. It is clearly their fault, right?

Well…

Not exactly.

These days the conversations regarding nervous system regulation are all the buzz. Something impacts us negatively, we feel an uncomfortable emotion such as anxiety, nervousness, shutting down, sadness, irritation, or anger and we turn to our partner and IF whatever it is that they say does not make the feeling go away…

What happens next?

Usually escalation or shutting down, and that often leads to conflict. You might even get mad at them and blame them. Good ol’ displaced anger/uncomfortable emotions that you are now directing at them.

Has this happened to you? The chances are high that it has at some point…because it happens in MANY relationships.

It happens when you turn towards your partner either consciously or unconsciously hoping for that moment when they will do or say the MAGIC THING that will make it all go away…

The expectation or at least the hope is that you as my partner will, should, can, make me feel better. There is the thought that turning towards your partner will create inner calm. Oftentimes, it does soothe us when we are comforted by our partner, after all, we are wired for closeness.

When we are dysregulated, we need help. Conflict and stress replicate trauma in our brains and we, as human beings are unable to focus on higher brain functioning when our brain is focusing on survival.

Earlier this year, I became a Certified Interpersonal Neurobiology clincian because I am fascinated about how our brains and our upbringing influence us and our relationships. IPNB, created by Dr. Dan Siegel, supports us with understanding that when our autonomic nervous system leads to an arousal state of fight, flight, or freeze it is extremely challenging to problem solve. We are unable to access our prefrontal cortex (part of the brain responsible for higher functioning skills) when we are experiencing difficult, and/or strong emotions.

Let’s normalize the fact that sometimes we get triggered and that there is a possibility of becoming dysregulated!

Understanding this as something that happens to everyone to some degree and acquiring tools to support you when you are experiencing this state is crucial. We are capable of altering our states, however, it takes time, tools, and intention to be able to change states with ease. Learning to validate ourselves and self-soothe are the first steps.

KEY QUESTION: Just something to think about…the question I ALWAYS ask myself, my friends, and my clients, “what did you do for yourself to support you with self-regulation and/or identifying your needs prior to turning towards your partner?“

That answer will tell me a lot. It will let me know if the person “activated”/who needs support, is able to recognize that they need support (self-awareness), and able to ask their partner for what they need or want support to look like.

TIP: Even if what gets communicated while in a dysregulated state is you being able to share with your partner, “I am feeling dysregulated and am trying to calm myself down, can you support me?” is HUGE!

It immediately lets your partner know that this requires them to hold space. This heightens their awareness, and as a result, their ability to self-regulate and support the co-regulation process.

If their process usually looks like emotional outsourcing, I will now be trying to rule out, or identify codependency. Is this person becoming over-reliant on their partner to emotionally regulate?

SIGNS THAT THIS MAY BE CODEPENDENCY:

• Rather than turning inward and reflecting on what you can do to self-regulate, the focus is on what your partner did “wrong” or what they did not do.
• If your partner is not available, you are dysregulated and anxious, or feel unsafe and are unable to calm yourself down on your own.
• You rely on them EVERY time you want to access a calm state.
• You have outsourced your ability to self-soothe to your partner and if you do not feel better afterwards, you blame them.
• You require your partners validation to feel valued.
• Your only/main tool to support you with regulating your emotions is your partner.
• You are unable to identify what you need without their support.

I am a huge advocate and have led talks and written articles and blogs about creating emotional safety in relationships, validating your partner (and yourself), and watching your tone and body language when you speak.

In fact, the benefits of holding space for your partner when you are practicing co-regulation leads to natural decrease of the stress hormone, cortisol.

What is not beneficial? When partners make it their partner’s responsibility to “make” them feel better.

Essentially, what I am seeing more and more of in therapy are couples coming in and sharing that oftentimes when they go to their partner, their partner does not support them the way they need or want to be supported.

What makes this so interesting is that when a couple comes in for session, the person who needs, wants, and may be asking for support may not know what they need and then they get angry at their partner for not knowing either!

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes partners do know, through observation, time spent together, intuition, etc. but having that expectation can be both problematic and unfair.

Why?

Because your partner is not a mind reader. What may have worked to support you with calming down yesterday may not be what you need today, and the fact that they are there listening to you usually means that their noble intent is to be supportive.

They may be trying their very best, based on what is happening for them, to be there for you. When you have an interaction with your partner and you do not feel “better” afterwards ask yourself:

How exactly am I feeling right now?

What do I need in this moment?

What were my expectations of my partner during our conversation?

Why am I still not feeling better?

Do I feel grounded within myself? If not, what can I do (deep breathing, walking, etc) to feel grounded and calm?

Did I express my needs clearly to my partner?

If you are struggling to calm down, if you feel out of control, if you are still angry and you are escalating and doing or saying things you do not mean it is because YOU ARE STRUGGLING TO SELF-REGULATE.

YES, YOU!

Now, of course this does not mean that your partner does not get to show up for you. This in no way means that you “should” not be able to turn to your partner for support in your times of need, want, or distress. What it does mean is:

You get to take ownership around the way YOU show up for YOURSELF!

How do you self-regulate?

What do you do when your partner is not around to support you?

How do you ask your partner for support?

Part of how I work with couples is guiding each partner to learn more about their own process. Understanding what it means to be conscious and present. Understanding that if you are seeking an emotionally mature, loving relationship, where BOTH PARTNERS feel seen, heard, and supported…It will require you to do your INDIVIDUAL “WORK.”

The healthiest relationships include both self-regulation AND co-regulation.

Now, onto co-regulation…

WHEN CO-REGULATION BEGINS AND WHAT HAPPENS IN YOUR BODY

Co-regulation in romantic relationships is when both partners’ nervous systems help eachothers nervous system feel calm, safe, seen, and balanced. This can be a beautifully connecting experience. It is also something that we see in the healthiest, most well adjusted relationships.

Co-regulation creates safety and emotional closeness. Positive co-regulation stimulates the production of oxytocin, known as the love hormone or bonding hormone which is released during nurturing interactions.

As children, we learn co-regulation from our caregivers and that process begins at birth. This happens before we learn how to self-regulate. The sound of a primary caregivers voice, their presence, their touch, and overall responsiveness to us is something that makes us feel safe and ultimately make us feel loved.

According to,From Neurons to Neighborhoods: The Science of Early Childhood Development.National Research Council (US) and Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Integrating the Science of Early Childhood Development; Shonkoff JP, Phillips DA, editors.Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2000.  “In caring for infants, parents are acting as extensions of their internal regulatory systems.” 

This helps with our understanding of how come it can be extremely comforting for us to be emotionally held and witnessed by our partner. That support was one of the first things we experienced in our lives!

It is a biological process where your nervous system is able to access calm and be soothed from its connection with another person. Learning to co-regulate with your partner promotes better physical and mental health, better sleep, and resilience. Connection is a biological need and creating a flow and rhythm with your partner ensures cohesiveness and emotional safety.

Being in close proximity, touch, and eye contact with one another creates physiological coherence by syncing your heart rate and breathing patterns. Your body relaxes and your pre-frontal cortex comes back online moving from a reactive or shutdown state to a more logical state of mind.

When we are able to experience co-regulation with our partner, it is a sign that we feel safe in their presence and can soften and breathe more deeply. Our heart rate slows and we feel supported. Support extended in such a way can lead to increased vulnerability and deeper feelings of love.

WHAT CO-REGULATION IS AND WHAT IT IS NOT!

• IS NOT: Co-regulation is not co-dependency. It is not dependency rooted in one another’s wounds and creating an unhealthy dynamic of dependency. It is not you holding your partner solely responsible for your emotional experience.Again, co-regulation is NOT about emotional outsourcing.
• IS: Co-regulation is being able to turn towards your partner to stay grounded when you have been triggered/activated. It is about them supporting you by being attentive and showing genuine concern through their presence.

• IS NOT: Co-regulation is not relinquishing your autonomy.
• IS: Trusting that your partner is able to emotionally attune to you and will not behave like they are the authority of your experience.

• IS NOT: Co-regulation is not a replacement for learning how to self-regulate.
• IS: An opportunity for deeper emotional intimacy because it lets you have the experience of not having to figure it out alone.

Benefits of Co-regulation in Romantic Relationships:

• De-escalation happens faster during conflict.
• Emotional intimacy increases.
• Deeper trust is established.
• Partners feel safe being vulnerable and seen in their authenticity.
• Couples feel more like true partners.
• Decrease in cortisol (stress hormone) and increase of oxytocin (love/bonding hormone).

Two phrases that push partners away and create distance:

1. “That sounds like a personal problem.”
2. “It is your job to deal with your own emotions.”

Those two phrases can harm a relationship and communicate to your partner that you are unable and/or unwilling to support them. Co-regulation is a way you can hold space for your partner. It is a gesture of love in its purest form…you are seeing your partner and attuning to their needs.

7 HEALTHY WAYS TO CO-REGULATE

• Be fully present with your partner – a calming presence will immediately send a signal to them that they are safe and not alone.
• Attune to them – ask them if they are able to identify what they need or how you can best support them. Pay attention to what they say as well as their non-verbal cues. Sometimes your mere presence is all that is needed.
• Use validating statements – let them know that you are there for them and share warm and validating statements such as, “I understand how you can feel that way my love and I am here for you” etc.
• Stay grounded and do not take anything personally – even if you are triggered, use your tools to stay grounded and calm in order to support them with de-escalating and feeling calm.
• Show up in love – remember that this is your partner, someone you love, and make a decision to show up with and in love for your partner, yourself, and your relationship in that moment.
• Physical touch – if you partner agrees, offer them a hug, gentle touch, or hold their hand. This gesture of touch directly triggers oxytocin release and will immediately decrease cortisol.
• Remember, YOU MATTER TOO – while showing up for your partner by creating a safe space, you also get to ensure that you are taking care of yourself. This means ensuring you are maintaining your own physical, emotional, and mental well-being and sense of self through differentiation. Stay grounded in your own body nervous system through your breath and validate your partner without taking on the responsibility of fixing the problem. Your self-regulation and groundedness supports you and will help your partner regulate as well.

Article Takeaways:

• Healthy relationships require both self-regulation and co-regulation.
• Self regulation is essential for co-regulation.
• Getting angry with your partner because they “don’t make you feel better” after you turn to them does not mean that they did something wrong. If they are trying, give your partner the benefit of the doubt around their intention to show up for you.
• Learning how to self-regulate ensures you are showing up for yourself and the relationship.
• Self-regulation is necessary for your partner to feel emotionally safe and for you to be able to hold a safe space for them.
• Co-regulation does not take the place of being able to self-regulate.
• The oxytocin released through healthy co-regulation supports keeping cortisol at bay.
• Co-regulation is not co-dependency.
• Emotional outsourcing puts the responsibility to make you feel better on your partner.
• Co-regulation creates deeper relationships and connection with greater intimacy and trust.
• Connection deepens when we remain connected to ourselves while opening our hearts to others.

Next Steps for Partners:

1. Check in with yourself around your relationship with self-regulation and list your go-to tools for self-soothing.
2. Check in with one another around your key takeaways from the article.
3. Each partner can share ways in which they appreciate being supported by one another when they are experiencing dysregulation.
4. If either of you believe you are in a co-dependent relationship, discuss the reasons why and how you can move towards co-regulation to create a healthier dynamic.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, your partner, and your relationship is learning how to self-regulate. When two partners know how to hold space for themselves, they are better able to hold space for eachother! This is how we create healthy relationships and grow into, Our Perfect Us! As individuals and as a couple!

Promoting accountability, emotional connection, authenticity, and heart-centered relationships rooted in love.

With love,

Tamara Thompson, LMFT