couples communication tools

Couples and Consideration: These Two Simple Questions will Revamp Your Relationship!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

“Hey, did you even consider me in your decision making process?” “Did you think about how I might feel about that?” “Did it cross your mind that your decision can have a negative impact on our relationship?”

“Do you even SEE ME?!?”

Have you ever asked your partner any of those questions? Have you heard your partner share those sentiments with you? If so, you are definitely not alone and you’ve come to the right place!

Who doesn’t want to be and feel considered? Emphasis on the word, “feel,” because oftentimes, partners will say that they are considering their partner and the issue is that the consideration is not landing, not resonating, or simply not “hitting” for their partner.

Just because you are considering your partner, does not mean that they feel considered. For those of you that studied Hamlet in school, you may remember the phrase, “Ay, and there lies the rub!” In other words, therein is where the problem lies!

What you are doing to consider your partner may not be viewed by them as consideration. Therefore may go unseen, overlooked, invalidated, and unappreciated.

I am about to drive this point home because this is something that literally comes up in the therapy room nearly every single day I have sessions. While I do not like to use absolutes, I’ve been observing this for years and it comes up in some way every single day I have held sessions.

Let’s start by defining consideration. Consideration is a noun. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is a “continuous and careful thought” and “a matter weighed or taken into account when formulating an opinion or plan.”

Is that not what most of us want? to be taken into account? Knowing that your partner will be thinking about how their actions will impact you? To be considered can make us feel safe. To be considered can make us feel our partner’s love.

Questions for YOU...

  • Do you consider your partner in your decision making process?
  • Do you consider yourself in your decision making process?
  • Do you know your process? (Do you usually consider your partner before yourself? Do you consider yourself and forget to consider your partner? What weighs more to you? Does it depend? If so, what does it depend on?)

Consideration matters. It is a whole discussion.

It is the difference between feeling like you are creating a safe space where you feel seen and considered or creating a space where one or both partners feel unseen, less important, and/or not considered.

Do you currently feel like your partner does not get you? does not see you? and does not care how you are impacted by their decisions? Do you use your voice?

Do you see your partner? Do you notice their gestures of love? Are you aware of the things they do to support you? The ways in which they are considering you?

Self-Consideration and Consideration of your Partner: WHICH WAY ARE YOU TILTED?

Tilted towards self-consideration: When you consider yourself first and foremost and your partner is either a secondary thought or not a thought at all, they will probably feel it. It will show up in the relationship in some way. It can be challenging for some individuals who have not had to consider others in their decision making in the past. If you are accustomed to only considering your own needs, being completely independent and autonomous, then making the transition to sharing your life with someone and now having another person to consider can be hard. This comes up for many couples I meet with during the first couple of years into their relationship and it is something you want to get ahead of early. Especially if one is always considering the other and that is not reciprocated.

If this process of decision making continues, your partner will more than likely feel disconnected and unseen. They may feel as if their needs and wants are not important to you and that they are not equally valued in the relationship. Being honest with yourself is important. There is a difference between considering your partner and them not feeling or seeing it, and not considering your partner at all.

While we absolutely get to consider ourselves and check in on ourselves first. The issues usually arise when there is only the consideration of self and there is little to no consideration of your partner.

Tilted towards consideration of your partner: This is also not the best space to be in. Why? Although your spouse/partner may appreciate you always leaning into what works best for them and making them happy, if you ignore or abandon your own needs, you are not considering yourself. When you are not considering yourself and your partner is also not considering you, it leads to an imbalance in the relationship that can also lead to resentment, disconnection, and even depression. Relationships where one person feels happy and fulfilled and the other is having a completely different experience happens often. It especially happens when one partner does not feel seen and supported.

Struggling to consider yourself can also happen if you grew up in a household where you were either instrumentally or emotionally parentified (asked/made to take on developmentally inappropriate adult roles as a child) or your needs were not considered, you may get into a relationship and recreate that very dynamic. You may take on the role of being sacrificial, because that is a role you are familiar with. What can happen next is the creation of a relationship where you are dismissing your needs and teaching your partner to not consider your needs as well!

There can and will be times in our relationships where we lean in to our partner and that is a beautiful dance couples do throughout the years. Taking turns taking the lead and/or leaning in can keep things flowing, it can lead to an organic expansion of self and the relationship. What you want to be mindful of is if you usually tilt all the way to either side of the continuum to the point where a long-term imbalance is created and one partner’s needs are usually not met.

What type of relationship are you currently co-creating?

TWO QUESTIONS TO ENSURE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER FEEL CONSIDERED:

  1. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MYSELF?
  2. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MY PARTNER?

WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, you and your partner get to determine what your unique relationship looks like. Regardless of how your relationship is structured, consideration of all parties involved usually leads to deeper connection and fulfillment.

Formula for a healthy dynamic where when making decisions you:

1st: Consider yourself, how might this help you, support you, expand you and in what ways? Essentially, what are the pros and cons for you?

2nd: Consider your partner, how might the decision impact them? Based on what you know about them, their value system, and what they have shared with you, how might this decision make them feel? While we do not want to make assumptions, we do want to be able to share with our partner the ways in which we considered them.

  • An answer, conclusion, and decision usually works best when those two questions are answered. When both partners feel seen, heard, valued, and CONSIDERED in the decision.

Together, collaboratively, with open hearts and ready to listen and validate, share with one another, how each of you feel the decision may impact the relationship. The relationship “belongs” to you both. Understanding your individual needs is vital in creating a relationship that works for both of you.

Consideration Case Study – Jonathan and Hannah

Jonathan gets offered a promotion. The increase in salary will support the household with more financial security and opportunity. However, the promotion comes with more responsibility, and he will have less free time. Jonathan is ambitious and believes this is the best next step for him and therefore, for his relationship. His main focus is advancing in his career, he is very happy working at his company, and is excited about the possibility of bringing more money into the household. Jonathan has worked hard for this and is proud of himself!

His partner, Hannah has been feeling unseen and disconnected from Jonathan. She works in education and when she leaves her job at 5:30pm everyday, she does not “bring work home” with her. Hannah often feels she is in “competition with his job.” She cares less about the finances and believes they need to make their relationship more of a priority. She would like Jonathan to be content with the position he currently has with less responsibility or find a new job that pays more and requires less hours. The last thing she wants is for him to take on more responsibility at his current job. She believes his lack of boundaries with his job is a reflection of his lack of prioritization of her needs in the relationship.

After Jonathan learnes about his promotion, he comes home with flowers for Hannah and excited to share his news, stating, “Guess what honey, everything is going to change, I have wonderful news.” Hannah, is excited because she only receives flowers on her birthday and has not experienced this level of enthsiasm from Jonathan in quite sometime. As she grabs a vase for her flowers she is also filled with curiousity and hope. She is looking forward to hearing what Jonathan has to share, believing that he has finally heard her and is going to let her know how he has considered her. She is feeling seen and considered because of his gestures, his tone, and his enthusiasm.

Jonathan proceeds to share, “I did it, I got the promotion babe. Our lives are going to get so much better! We can finally remodel the kitchen and get some other things done!” Hannah, has a tough time holding it together and becomes emotional. She begins to sob and Jonathan is confused. Just like that she feels unseen, unconsidered. He too feels unseen, unappreciated, and unsupported. They reach out to me for their first couples session!

What happened here? Hannah did not feel like Jonathan took her into consideration and did not consider how excited Jonathan was about his promotion. Jonathan felt excited to share his “good news” but may not have considered how Hannah would feel about it. Both of them thought about the relationship. However, they were thinking about the relationship through their individual lenses.

Hannah expressed:

  • “He said that HE, “did it”, I, I, I…it is always about him. He doesn’t even think about me or ask me about major decisions.”
  • “The priority to me right now is our connection and our intimacy. This will take away more of what we do not have enough of, TIME.”
  • “I feel like his main relationship is with work and I feel like his mistress begging for time.”
  • “No matter how many times I tell him I miss him and need him, he does nothing about it. It is obvious that my feelings don’t matter to Jonathan.”

Jonathan expressed:

  • “Is she serious right now? this is the best thing that can happen for us right now.”
  • “I worked hard for this, she is not even happy for or proud of me. She is never my cheerleader.”
  • “She is the one being selfish, I am just trying to make sure we are secure. I feel so unappreciated.”
  • “Everything I do, I do for us, I find it insulting that she say I am not considering her, she is ALL I am considering.”

Jonathan believes he is considering himself, his wife, and their lives together in terms of stability. Hannah believes she is considering herself and their relationship in terms of connection and emotional fulfillment.

I gave them the homework of these three questions:

  1. How are you considering yourself and the impact that Jonathan taking the promotion will have on you as an individual?
  2. How are you considering what Jonathan has shared with you regarding his thoughts and feelings about the decision to take the promotion? Why do you believe it is important to/for him?
  3. How do you believe this decision will impact your relationship?
    • What are the current needs of your relationship?
    • What are ways this decision may bring you closer?
    • What are ways this decision may create more distance?

THE CONVERSATION

Remember, in terms of considering your partner, It is not about how YOU want to consider your partner. It is about how your partner wants to be considered. WHAT THEY ARE ULTIMATELY EXPRESSING IS WHAT WILL SUPPORT THEM WITH FEELING YOUR LOVE.

Consideration is needed to feel emotionally safe in your relationship. Consideration is vital to feeling loved. Navigating partner and self consideration in love takes intention.

You want to go back into the conversation able to discuss the three questions I gave Jonathan and Hannah in depth. It will take introspection, consideration, and compassion. Are you considering what your partner has expressed is important to them? How are you showing up for yourself? How are you showing up for your partner?

You are ready to begin the conversation when you are able to present:

  1. Here is how I am considering myself.
  2. Here is how I am considering what you have shared is important to you.

You want to be able to identify how you have considered yourself AND your partner in your decision making. If you have children and/or pets, you want to also think about how you have considered the other members of your household.

Reaching a decision where you both feel seen and considered is not always easy. If you find yourselves at an impasse, consider seeking additional support, such as couples therapy. Sometimes there are conflicting needs and/or wants. It does not have to lead to resentment or mean the end of your relationship. It can present an opportunity to dig deeper and work together to find a way to move forward in partnership and in love.

Your relationship needs you both. How are each of you considering your relationship?

Consideration of myself + Consideration of my partner = Consideration of the Relationship. In order to reach a solution/conclusion/decision that will work for the relationship, both partners get to be considered.

TAKE ACTION NOW!

When you feel disconnected, detached, and indifferent in your relationship, there is no time to wait, there is no time to waste. The time to take action is NOW. If you still want your relationship to be healthy and thrive, do not make the fatal mistake so many people make, which is they believe they have limitless time.

Even the strongest relationships need time, they need to be nurtured, and as you continue to grow as individuals, couples need time to understand the changes that are happening within themselves and in the world around them so that they can grow together.

For all those who have asked the question, “How can I get my partner to consider me?” Please share this article with them to ensure you are both considering one another.

If you take one thing away from this article, let it be this…

YOU MATTER, THEY MATTER, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP MATTERS. ENSURE YOUR ACTIONS ARE A REFLECTION OF THAT AWARENESS AND ARE IN ALIGNMENT WITH YOUR HEART!

Couples, Your Tone May be Ruining Your Communication! Tips to Stop the Confusion!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / 11 Comments

You know how people say, “It’s not what you say, it’s HOW YOU SAY IT?” I’m here to tell you, it’s a real thing and if it keeps coming up in your relationship, I am here to offer some insight and tools!

As a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in New York City, I have seen hundreds of couples in my private practice alone, not to mention the countless families I have worked with throughout NYC and Westchester County. All socioeconomic groups, and I do mean, ALL. Different cultures, ages, sexual orientations, etc. and I can tell you one of the most profound observations I have made during my career and lifetime is that at the end of the day, people are people, meaning mostly everyone wants to feel seen and be spoken to with respect.

Fellow human being, we are more the same than we are different.

As a culture, as well as in my field, we talk a lot about how to have effective communication. I have written blogs specifically around, Validation Do’s and Don’ts, How to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship, and Couples Start Arguing Less by Putting Ego to Rest because I am dedicated and passionate around giving couples tools to support their relationships. My goal is to help couples thrive and support the individuals within those relationships with existing authentically while also enjoying their relationship! Today, I want to give center stage to the voice and an important factor that may impact how your message is received:

TONE

I believe this has been a miss on my part in terms of giving it the spotlight, its very own blog. I talk about it DAILY. There is not a day of sessions that goes by that this does not come up. TONE. My hope, is that by the end of this blog, you will go into conversations with your loved one’s reminding yourself that although you may be using thoughtful words and mean those words wholeheartedly, if they lack warmth and passion in tone, they just might be a miss. In fact, your message will probably be diluted, by tone alone.

Sweet words with contradictory tone and body language send mixed signals which can lead to mistrust.

This is unfortunate because more often than not, partner’s mean what they say. There can be many reasons why a person is coming across as cold, disconnected, and detached. I am not here to judge, simply to support your message being delivered and you being heard in a way that accurately conveys your true feelings and intent.

The Research? Let’s go deeper…

The numbers, the research, the controversy!

The past research “proved” that 93% of communication was non-verbal and 7% verbal (the words we choose). Those numbers come from two studies done in 1967, that were run by Psychologist Albert Mehrabian. Many current experts in the field of communication have shared that those numbers are untrue, that the sample was too small, that the research is outdated, and that Mehrabian himself stated that he never meant for those numbers to apply to ALL communication! Well, there you have it!

Have what exactly?

Well, now you know that those numbers may not be exact and that the conversation around the exact percentages is controversial. However, what the current research tells us is that it ALL matters. Your words do matter. Your tone does matter. Your behavior does matter. IT ALL MATTERS!

According to Edward G. Wertheim, Ph.D. in his article, The Importance of Effective Communication (I will leave the link below). Dr. Wertheim identified 5 Roles non-verbal cues can play in communication (I will expand on the cues a bit):

5 ROLES NON-VERBAL CUES PLAY

  • Repetition: Non-verbal cues serve as matching/repeating the message you are conveying verbally. Meaning that your non-verbal cues are matching your words. When all forms of communication match, it leads the listener to feeling safer, and the communicator is therefore more believable and seems more trustworthy.
  • Contradiction: It is this particular cue that causes the most damage during communication. Your non-verbal cues can send the opposite message of what your words are sending/saying. Your tone, body language, and gestures may not match, be incongruent, and/or contradict your words. When your non-verbal cues do not match your words, it usually leads to mistrust and confusion.
  • Substitution:  A non-verbal cue may substitute a verbal message. This can be a look in your eyes (some say the eyes are the windows to our soul) that conveys your message more vividly than words ever could.
  • Complementing: Think of this as the cherry on top. It is a non-verbal cue that complements your words or adds to the message your words are trying to convey. An example would be if your verbally expressed that you are excited for your partner’s promotion and then reached in and gave them a hug while sharing you are proud of them with your words.
  • Accenting: This non-verbal cue is like putting your words in bold, all caps, and underlining. According to Dr. Wertheim, “it may accent or underline a verbal message. Pounding the table, for example, can underline the importance of your message.”

TYPES OF NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION (Special Focus on Voice):

Voice is highlighted below, I also make mention of 6 other non-verbal cues below for your reference:

1. VOICE – What makes this a non-verbal form of communication is that it is considered paralinguistic (part of communication that does not involve words, such as intonation, volume, pitch, timbre, and speed) in which the inflection or sound is what is sending a particular message. I am starting with voice because it is the cue we are honing in on in this blog and it is usually the form of non-verbal communication that comes up most in session. It often leaves both the communicator and the receiver of the message frustrated and confused .

When it comes to the session room (and even sometimes in my personal life), I frequently run across the same issue: One partner shares something verbally and when doing so is completely unaware of what their tone and inflection sound like. I usually hear the receiver tell the communicator:

“You sound like a robot”

“You sound like you are talking to a stranger”

“I heard no emotion at all in your voice, do you even care?”

“You’re using the right words but you sound inauthentic!”

Now, think about the other partner, the communicator. Can you imagine how they feel? Have you ever been told similar words? Have you used them? Put yourself in the shoes of the communicator. They had a long day, they have things on their mind. They are really trying to show up for their partner and they are being 100% authentic. In fact, they are quite proud of themselves for getting to a point in their own self development where they are able to hold a safe space and say validating statements.

EXAMPLE: Taken from a recent session (true story):

Communicator: “I love you babe, I know we will work this out, we have the tools so we will get through this.”

I am wondering how you, the reader, just read that statement made by the communicator. Did the voice in your head read it in a warm or passionate tone? or did you read the words with no tone at all? The tendency of most people is to attach a warm tone to words and phrases like the one’s the communicator used in the example above. I mean come on, let’s admit it, those words are great! There’s the reinforcement of love and commitment, along with a term of endearment. Who wouldn’t be happy to hear those words?

I know someone who was not happy with that message? Can you guess who it was? It was the partner on the receiving end! Although the words are thoughtful, what you are not privy to is how it was said, the good ol’ “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it,” at play. It was shared in a monotone pitch, low and slow paced, the facial expression was also expressionless. The tone used made it impossible for the receiver to know how the communicator felt because the tone was flat. Hmmm, what message do you think that sent? A contradiction, maybe? How do you think the receiver felt? I can tell you, they felt hurt, confused, and mistrusting. They shared,

Receiver:

“Don’t sound so enthusiastic!”(said sarcastically).

“I am here pouring out my heart, trying to share my feelings and you are yessing me.”

“I feel like you are trying to pacify me and as if you find this conversation boring!”

“If you don’t mean it, please don’t share it.”

“You are either disinterested in me, this relationship, or both.” “Talk about low energy!”

How do you think the communicator felt? I can tell you that as well. They too felt hurt, confused and frustrated. Why? because:

Communicator:

“I don’t understand what’s wrong, I said I love you, I said we’ve got this and you are getting on me for tone…really? I can’t win…” (btw – “I can’t win” is a common response when a partner shares any type of unfavorable feedback).

“You ask me to validate and use team language, I do that and I am still wrong?”

“I really feel like you just want to fight and have a problem when there doesn’t need to be one.”

“You know I had a long day, can you consider how tired I am and not take it personally?”

I can talk for days and days about how this couple can get out of this conflict with the tools of Validation, not making assumptions, not taking things personally, etc. please see my validation blog for more info. However, once again, the purpose of this blog is to HIGHLIGHT TONE.

If only the communicator would have shared with their partner those same exact comforting words with warmth or passion in their tone and would have been fully present, everything would have been different. The entire interaction would have gone a different way. The words were spot on, the delivery was not only lack luster (unbeknownst to the communicator), it was also distancing and contradictory. Tone is used to clarify meaning and if is is contradictory, it is extremely confusing.

I was able to intervene and support the couple with understanding how their dance could have looked differently. I asked what each of them could have done differently. The parts of the sequence I highlighted were, the noble intent behind the Communicators message, the Receiver being able to give the benefit of the doubt while sharing how they experienced the communicator and why. I then had the Communicator slow down, take a few deep breathes, get fully present, and try again.

I specifically asked, “If you could not rely on only your words to convey this message, how would you get it across to your partner?” How can you show them warmth/passion? How can you let them know you care? How will they know you are 100% present in this moment with them?

If you were texting, what emoji would you use? We use emoji’s in text so the receiver understands the emotion behind the words. Are you being expressive (using non-verbal cues) of the emotions behind your words?

The Communicator tried again and needless to say they nailed it! So much so that they elaborated on what they originally said and shared it with a warm tone, as well as deep, focused eye contact. The Receiver was so touched, they cried and thanked their partner. They shared they both felt closer and seen after the exercise. See what awareness, intention, accountability, and slowing down can do!

Brief description of the other types of non-verbal communications:

2. Facial expressions – The human face is extremely expressive and many facial expressions are the same across cultures.

3. Body movement and posture –  The way you sit, walk, hold your head, as well as your posture and movements you make both overt and subtle communicates a lot to those around you.

4. Gestures – Such as a thumbs up, waving and pointing, as well as using your hands when speaking and during conflict.

5. Eye contact – HUGE! Eye contact communicates a world of thoughts and emotions. It can show hostility, affection, attraction, fear, etc. It also supports conversation flow and helps communicate interest.

6. Touch – The act of touch can be a major communicator from a big hug, to a touch on the knee, a caress of your face, a high five, pat on the back, are all examples of sending a message without words.

7. Space – We all need physical space and the amount you have can communicate intimacy and affection and can also be indicative of dominance.

HELPFUL TIPS FOR BOTH THE RECEIVER AND THE COMMUNICATOR

Sidenote re: Contradiction – It is the most confusing cue. It leads to the most arguments. Remember that the way you can get through it as a couple is to stay curious about it.

STAY CURIOUS when either yours or your partner’s words and cues do not align, don’t judge it and don’t take it personally! If they do not match, if it is a mixed message, rather than get defensive, use the tool of compassionately asking…

HOW COME?

Example of times this happens:

  • A partner is furious/extremely triggered and they use a harsh tone and say, “I AM FINE, I LOVE YOU, I JUST NEED A MINUTE!” You may say to yourself, “that was not warm and fuzzy, they’re saying they are fine but they don’t seem fine.” Your partner may be trying to keep you emotionally safe or keep themselves calm or avoid an argument…there can be many reasons. Remember, STAY CURIOUS and ask HOW COME YOUR TONE DOES NOT MATCH YOUR WORDS?

Both the Communicator and the Receiver deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. They both deserve to be given an opportunity to be heard and validated. They both have unique challenges and are in the interaction together. You are both on the same team. Set yourselves and your conversation up for success by ensuring you are individually ready to have the conversation. Taking at least 5 -10 minutes before having a tough conversation gives you time to take some deep breaths/mindful breathing, remind yourself that you are on the same team, that your partner deserves to be validated, and that your message gets to be heard. Ask yourself, “How can I get my message across in a respectful manner that is also authentic to how I am feeling right now and ensure my partner still feels cared for and safe?”

Tips for the Receiver – Try to not take their tone personally. If your partner’s tone is a contradiction, take a deep breath and let them know/bring it to their awareness. Give them the benefit of the doubt/grace and stay curious about what is happening on their end. Remember, when you share how you are hearing them, say it with warmth and love. Do not blame. Do not shame. Your teammate needs you to show up!

Tips for the Communicator – Take a deep breath before communicating. Remind yourself that you are speaking to someone you care about. Remind yourself that you are on the same team. Think about the message you would like to convey and how you would like to be heard. Then ensure that you are conveying that message, with your words and tone. If the Receiver shares that your tone is triggering them or that your tone seems incongruent/contradictory to what you are saying, take another deep breath and do not take it personally. Stay curious, ask them more about how they are hearing you. Validate them, and then try again. Your message gets to be heard!

BOTTOM LINE: SPEAK WITH LOVE (in words and with non-verbal cues), DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY, AND STAY CURIOUS!

Wishing you and your relationship the very best always!

With love, Tamara

Resource: Edward G. Wertheim, Ph.D. in his article, The Importance of Effective Communication

Click to access effectivecommunication5.pdf