communication

Couples, Let’s Talk Tools: “The Four Agreements” to Enhance Communication and Connection!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Original Artwork: “Mi Amor” by Daria Borisova

Couples, are you interested in finding an activity to bond, grow, learn, and communicate more lovingly and effectively with one another? Learning together can cultivate a relationship of connection, attraction, and growth.

In this blog you will learn what The Four Agreements are, how they can support communication, transformation, and create emotional safety. You will be given relationship tools, individual sidenotes, and lastly, a couples assignment (homework) that I share with my clients!

I meet and work with SO MANY COUPLES who usually want and need at least one of the following: Deeper connection, more self-awareness, and communication tools. I work with couples in regular weekly sessions and have shorter “intensive journey packages,” that hone in on their dynamic and create unique interventions in a matter of a few days or weeks. Not all couples decide to go to therapy and even those who have, may need or want additional tools. Regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, there is a book that is a 3.5hr read or audible, with four precious agreements that when couples go through together, make a world of difference for their connection, self-awareness, and communication. That book is…

“The Four Agreements” by Don Miquel Ruiz

There are pieces of literature that come into our lives and guide us, inspire us, teach us, and challenge us. There are books that I hold dear to my heart as they have helped me on my own personal journey. Some challenge our intellect, some speak to our soul, while others truly warm our hearts.

For those out there that know my therapeutic approach to couples therapy, you know I am passionate about being authentically yourself, growing with one another, and continuously recalibrating the relationship allowing for growth, passion, and new vision to keep both partner’s not only engaged in their life together, but also feeling desired, safe, seen, and inspired. I recognize that’s ambitious. I also recognize that it is entirely possible.

Back to books. It was about a decade ago when a close colleague recommended this book to me, as it was recommended to her by a friend, many years prior. It is a book that supports humanity, not just clients, not just me, my colleague, and her friend. It is a simple read, yet it’s depth is as deep as the reader. It meets you where you are. The more you know yourself, the more of “the work” you’ve been doing, the more you will see, the deeper you will go.

Published in 1997 and according to my latest web search, The Four Agreements has sold over 12 million copies. and has been translated into 52 languages! Which means, that there is a strong likelihood that if you are reading this blog, you have read or at least heard of it. What makes it so special? I suppose there are various opinions around that question. I can share why I believe it is a MUST READ and how I have seen couples who read this book together experience major shifts in their communication, conflict resolution, connection, and overall happiness and fulfillment with themselves and in their relationship. They are able to go deeper as individuals and that shows up in their relationship!

“Remember, despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” – Matt Kahn

Why should everyone read this book?

I have clients in individual therapy read, “The Four Agreements” because it supports us with some of the most popular topics in therapy:

  1. Engaging in negative self-talk or not keeping your word with self and/or others. Being able to be trustworthy, people you care about being able to trust that your words and actions are aligned. You being able to hold true to the promises you make to yourself and learning to trust yourself. – Learning to be “BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD“
  2. ‘Personalizing most things, being defensive, making it about “you.” Internalizing what others share and often believing it is a judgment or something negative about you – Learning, “DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY” (and that means anything “good” or “bad”).
  3. Jumping to conclusions, thinking you can predict what others are going to do/say, you do not ask questions, and you determine (assume) what someone else’s actions mean – Learning, “DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS“
  4. Not fully executing, doubting your ability, not trying, doing things haphazardly/half way, knowing you can do better but choosing not to. It can also mean, overdoing things to the point of exhaustion or depletion and risking illness or burnout. – Focus on, “ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST” (not more, not less).

Do you experience any of the following in your couple dynamic?

  • You and/or your partner assume what the other is thinking and feeling, without them sharing.
  • You and/or your partner do not stay curious, and assume they know what is best for their partner.
  • You and/or your partner doubt that their partner is being forthcoming and transparent when asked questions. Examples: “Are you sure? Do you really mean it? Seriously, tell me if you want me to do it? Are you being 100% honest with me?”
  • You and/or your partner put your relationship on the back burner, give it minimal effort, believe you can get to it later.
  • You and your partner have what feels like the same argument and are defensive/experience defensiveness.
  • You and/or your partner do a huge amount for the relationship, giving more energy than you have to the point of exhaustion and then pull back, do much less, and feel resentful?
  • You and/or your partner take the actions, words, and mood of your partner personally. Do you make it about you and have a hard time holding space for them?
  • You and/or your partner hear things through a filter of, “what have I done wrong now?”
  • You and/or your partner are not 100% transparent and are sacrificing a need, not expressing a desire, or not sharing something that hurt your feelings in order to keep the peace or because you struggle with expressing your needs.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS as FOUR TOOLS FOR COUPLES…

THE FIRST AGREEMENT: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

  • When you believe your partner is saying they are okay and you believe there is something wrong.
  • When you believe your partner is saying (or not saying) something to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
  • When you are sharing something with your partner and they have a hard time believing you, or think you are holding back.

TOOL: When sharing, simply share with your partner, ‘I AM BEING IMPECCABLE WITH MY WORD.” This one statement can immediately ground both partners. You and your partner will know that what you are saying is true, conscious, and intentional.

Sidenote: Individually, keep an eye on being impeccable with your word to yourself. Be on the lookout for negative self-talk and keeping the promises you make to yourself.

THE SECOND AGREEMENT: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

  • When your partner is in a “bad” mood and is snappy or snarky with you.
  • When your partner is not initiating sexual intimacy.
  • When your partner is quieter and less engaging than usual

TOOL: Stay Curious and take yourself out of the equation rather than make it about you and telling yourself a story that they are not interested in you, do not love you, do not find you attractive, etc. You can ask: “I notice that you have been quiet, is something wrong or are you just in a quiet space?” or ” you have been quieter than usual, are you okay? I am here if you would like to talk.”

Sidenote: Individually, hold yourself accountable for not taking ANYTHING, from ANYONE personally, even the good things1 Remember the phrase, if this wasn’t about me, what else could it be about?

THE THIRD AGREEMENT: DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

  • When you believe you know why your partner is exhibiting a behavior and acting a certain way.
  • When rather than ask and stay curious about your partner, you assume you know the intentions behind what they do and do not do.

TOOL: (Ask questions) If you notice your partner is less attentive, rather than guessing. hypothesizing, or assuming, you can state: “You are being less attentive and I do not want to make an assumption that it’s because you had an exhausting day at work, can you tell me what is impacting you? or “You have been going to bed really late, I do not want to assume the reason why, are you open to talking about it?”

Sidenote: Individually, hold yourself accountable for asking questions and staying curious about all things and people. You may make an assumption and be correct, however, oftentimes we get it wrong. Remember to say this phrase to yourself, I do not get to attach meaning to someone else’s actions or inaction. I get to ask.

THE FOURTH AGREEMENT: ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

  • When you put less thought, energy, and/or care into your relationship because you believe it can wait.
  • When you knowingly do not try your best in the relationship because you do not feel like it and/or are taking your relationship and partner for granted.

TOOL: Set intentions together. Remind one another that you are in it together and have an honest conversation about your level of investment in the relationship. To quote Don Miquel Ruiz, “your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time so your best will sometimes be high quality and other times it will not be as good.” He continues on to say, “under any circumstances, always do your best, no more, no less.” You get to make a pact with one another that no matter what, you will do your best and when one of you is struggling, the other gets to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. You get to trust that they are doing their best according to what they have the capacity to do at any given moment.

Sidenote: Individually, make this how you show up for yourself everyday and ALL of your relationships will benefit. Including your relationship with yourself!

COUPLE’S HOMEWORK:

Reading The Four Agreements together can be a relationship game changer! I recommend reading or listening to one chapter per check-in/session and after you both have finished the chapter, discuss the following:

  • Each of your takeaways regarding your individual relationship with and thoughts about the agreement.
  • How the agreement (taking things personally, making assumptions, etc.) shows up in your relationship.
  • What tools do you believe will be helpful and want to implement in your relationship?
  • How will you hold yourselves and one another accountable, with compassion and gentle reminders during conversations and/or conflict?

Remember, you and your partner can create whatever dynamic works best for you as long as you are committed to the process. If you are both showing up and sticking to Agreement #4, you’ve got this!

Thank you Don Miquel Ruiz for your contribution to humanity!

Sending love to you and your relationship, Tamara

Loading

TRIGGERED! The Unhealed Wound: Couples Only Survive when Individuals Do Their Work! 7 Steps to Help…

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT

blog - emotional trigger

Do you sometimes feel as if your partner’s main objective in life is to piss you off? Do you find that the harder you try to get along, the more you find yourself getting triggered? Do you think about ending the relationship once and for all  just because you are so frustrated and feel as if you can not take it anymore?

The trigger conversation comes up often in couples work and the question of “why is my partner always triggering me?” has a simple, yet layered answer. There are many who wonder why the partner they love more than anything is the one that hurts them the most. Conflict usually arises when one partner is triggered and reacts/responds with their default coping strategy/defense mechanism (by the way and for the record, that default coping mechanism is usually not your truth). It is often a way to protect yourself that you discovered/created in early childhood or adolescence for survival and although once useful, has probably run its course and is no longer healthy or appropriate.

blog defense mechanisms

So your partner has triggered you, now what? The tendency is to turn to our partner and blame them for hurting us, for bringing up uncomfortable feelings, for our increased anxiety, and/or our inability to move forward. We blame them for our insecurities, the fact that we won’t go to the gym, the fact that our career is not where we want it to be, the fact that we are unhappy. Sometimes we react with a counter punch to shut them down and shut them up or we may become withholding, close off, and turn away, depending on what our coping strategy/defense mechanisms are. We then point the finger and become the innocent victims of our partners cruelty, usually failing to take accountability for our role or how we blew up or shut down once we were triggered. Sharing stories with our friends, family, co-workers, and therapist around how our partner pushes all of the right buttons that cause us to react and act out of character. It is clearly their fault!

Being triggered hurts more from some people than others for a reason, usually because we have higher expectations and hopes of the people we open our hearts to and when those people say or do things that hurt our feelings (even when it is unintentional),the harder the fall…the deeper the wound. Although the wound may be deepening, it is not new and even though they might have said something hurtful, the wound of origin was not caused by them.

blog - trigger

The current trigger activates an old wound and not just any wound, a wound we have not fully healed from and may not be aware of. The wound of origin. That first wound that made you feel alone, abandoned, unworthy, unsafe, etc. Sometimes, our partners unintentionally trigger us, yet we make them wrong and leave no room for explanation, we tell ourselves the same narrative that we have carried around for years. When we are bought into our own negative thought patterns, we learn to extract all the information we feel will support our negative narrative, the one where our partner does not love us, is inconsiderate, is selfish and end up struggling to see all of the positive attributes our partners possess, all the ways they show love, and all the things they are presently doing “right.”

7 Things to do when your Partner Triggers you:

  1. So you have been hurt, something that your partner has done (or didn’t do), said (or didn’t say) has brought about an uncomfortable emotion. As soon as you recognize that you have been triggered, STOP (visualizing a Stop sign may help).
  2. Remind yourself that you are working towards having more self-awareness. Your goal is to respond, not react. You are working towards gaining emotional maturity.
  3. Turn towards your partner and share that you have been triggered, let them know what triggered you and the thoughts and feelings coming up for you around that trigger. If you are unsure of what you are feeling (go to step 5), ask for a few minutes to process what is coming up for you.
  4. Give your partner an opportunity to show up for you and the relationship. Give them a chance to validate your feelings and in turn, thank and validate them.
  5. Take a time out. Give yourself a few minutes to process what just happened. Usually the conversation escalates quickly after the trigger, slow down. Sit with yourself and identify what emotion is coming up for you and think back to your earliest memory of experiencing that emotion. Think about the thoughts that came up for you. What did that experience tell you about the world around you? and who you are in this world?
  6. Share with your partner what you learned about yourself and together you can work towards finding ways to work through the trigger when it arises. Discuss what they did or said that had a negative impact on you and share how it relates/links to a past wound.
  7. Acknowledge for yourself that you did it! You did something different, you just had a “win” because you handled being triggered differently! You are on the road to putting the pieces together, having an increased level of self awareness, and becoming less reactive when you are triggered by your partner.

blog - growth

Everyone gets triggered it’s what you do in those moments that matter. The awareness and understanding of what is happening for you in the moment and why, will decrease reactivity. Return to the wound of origin, nurture your inner child, provide the support for yourself you wish you would have received at that time, the support you need now. HEAL. Only you have the ability to heal your heart, to provide the safety, compassion, and acceptance to all the parts of yourself. If you look to your partner to do it for you, they will fail.

If you truly want to connect with your partner and move past difficult conversations, you have to do your work. 

The trigger is an opportunity, it is a road-map to the place in your heart that is wounded.

blog - own

New Response – When triggered, rather than getting lost in the anger, practice appreciation for the fact that you now have information that will support you with finding, healing and releasing the wound of origin. If you do not do this work, you will continue to be triggered, you will continue to blame your partner, you will continue to have conflict, you will continue to be guarded, you will continue to be fearful, you will continue to be stuck and what causes the most danger to a relationship, is having unfair and unrealistic expectations around your partner’s role/responsibility in “making” you happy. 

Each of us has been wounded, no one comes out of childhood unscarred. The “work” is about knowing what those wounds are and how they are showing up in your life right now, present day, in this moment. You have the ability to create a more fulfilling life and a more fulfilling relationship. Yes, in a partnership you get to love and support one another however you can not do all the work for another person and they can not do all the work for you. It is impossible to grow together if one partner is stuck. Once you become emotionally mature you can make clear/rational decisions about your relationship. 

Avoidance, fear and denial will attempt to keep you stuck and blaming others. Awareness, acceptance, self-compassion and courage will provide the positive energy, clarity, and light that will set you free! Turn inward, identify, process, release, heal and share your journey with your partner every step of the way.  The key to a couple growing together is the acceptance that during the couple journey, there will be times in which you have to travel part of the way on your own and trusting that once you do, you will come back to one another with an increased awareness of self and more connected to one another.

blog - couple brunette

Wishing you effective conversations, peaceful resolutions, and the ability to take ownership of your emotions. All couples disagree at times, learning how to move past the disagreement and come out stronger is the best gift you can give to one another and to yourself. You’ve got this!

  • If you feel you may be in an abusive (mentally, physically, or emotionally) relationship, do not blame yourself, seek the help of a licensed professional who can support you with determining if you are a victim of abuse. 

Loading