Relationships: Tools and Insight for Couples and Individuals

Focusing on the relationship you have with your partner and with yourself. Helpful tools, insight, and encouragement around connecting with your partner and connecting with your authentic self. The blog provides solid, concrete tools to support individuals and couples around making positive changes, healing from old wounds, and creating healthier relationships. It is written by a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in New York City.

Couples and Consideration: These Two Simple Questions will Revamp Your Relationship!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

“Hey, did you even consider me in your decision making process?” “Did you think about how I might feel about that?” “Did it cross your mind that your decision can have a negative impact on our relationship?”

“Do you even SEE ME?!?”

Have you ever asked your partner any of those questions? Have you heard your partner share those sentiments with you? If so, you are definitely not alone and you’ve come to the right place!

Who doesn’t want to be and feel considered? Emphasis on the word, “feel,” because oftentimes, partners will say that they are considering their partner and the issue is that the consideration is not landing, not resonating, or simply not “hitting” for their partner.

Just because you are considering your partner, does not mean that they feel considered. For those of you that studied Hamlet in school, you may remember the phrase, “Ay, and there lies the rub!” In other words, therein is where the problem lies!

What you are doing to consider your partner may not be viewed by them as consideration. Therefore may go unseen, overlooked, invalidated, and unappreciated.

I am about to drive this point home because this is something that literally comes up in the therapy room nearly every single day I have sessions. While I do not like to use absolutes, I’ve been observing this for years and it comes up in some way every single day I have held sessions.

Let’s start by defining consideration. Consideration is a noun. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, it is a “continuous and careful thought” and “a matter weighed or taken into account when formulating an opinion or plan.”

Is that not what most of us want? to be taken into account? Knowing that your partner will be thinking about how their actions will impact you? To be considered can make us feel safe. To be considered can make us feel our partner’s love.

Questions for YOU...

  • Do you consider your partner in your decision making process?
  • Do you consider yourself in your decision making process?
  • Do you know your process? (Do you usually consider your partner before yourself? Do you consider yourself and forget to consider your partner? What weighs more to you? Does it depend? If so, what does it depend on?)

Consideration matters. It is a whole discussion.

It is the difference between feeling like you are creating a safe space where you feel seen and considered or creating a space where one or both partners feel unseen, less important, and/or not considered.

Do you currently feel like your partner does not get you? does not see you? and does not care how you are impacted by their decisions? Do you use your voice?

Do you see your partner? Do you notice their gestures of love? Are you aware of the things they do to support you? The ways in which they are considering you?

Self-Consideration and Consideration of your Partner: WHICH WAY ARE YOU TILTED?

Tilted towards self-consideration: When you consider yourself first and foremost and your partner is either a secondary thought or not a thought at all, they will probably feel it. It will show up in the relationship in some way. It can be challenging for some individuals who have not had to consider others in their decision making in the past. If you are accustomed to only considering your own needs, being completely independent and autonomous, then making the transition to sharing your life with someone and now having another person to consider can be hard. This comes up for many couples I meet with during the first couple of years into their relationship and it is something you want to get ahead of early. Especially if one is always considering the other and that is not reciprocated.

If this process of decision making continues, your partner will more than likely feel disconnected and unseen. They may feel as if their needs and wants are not important to you and that they are not equally valued in the relationship. Being honest with yourself is important. There is a difference between considering your partner and them not feeling or seeing it, and not considering your partner at all.

While we absolutely get to consider ourselves and check in on ourselves first. The issues usually arise when there is only the consideration of self and there is little to no consideration of your partner.

Tilted towards consideration of your partner: This is also not the best space to be in. Why? Although your spouse/partner may appreciate you always leaning into what works best for them and making them happy, if you ignore or abandon your own needs, you are not considering yourself. When you are not considering yourself and your partner is also not considering you, it leads to an imbalance in the relationship that can also lead to resentment, disconnection, and even depression. Relationships where one person feels happy and fulfilled and the other is having a completely different experience happens often. It especially happens when one partner does not feel seen and supported.

Struggling to consider yourself can also happen if you grew up in a household where you were either instrumentally or emotionally parentified (asked/made to take on developmentally inappropriate adult roles as a child) or your needs were not considered, you may get into a relationship and recreate that very dynamic. You may take on the role of being sacrificial, because that is a role you are familiar with. What can happen next is the creation of a relationship where you are dismissing your needs and teaching your partner to not consider your needs as well!

There can and will be times in our relationships where we lean in to our partner and that is a beautiful dance couples do throughout the years. Taking turns taking the lead and/or leaning in can keep things flowing, it can lead to an organic expansion of self and the relationship. What you want to be mindful of is if you usually tilt all the way to either side of the continuum to the point where a long-term imbalance is created and one partner’s needs are usually not met.

What type of relationship are you currently co-creating?

TWO QUESTIONS TO ENSURE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER FEEL CONSIDERED:

  1. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MYSELF?
  2. HOW AM I CONSIDERING MY PARTNER?

WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, you and your partner get to determine what your unique relationship looks like. Regardless of how your relationship is structured, consideration of all parties involved usually leads to deeper connection and fulfillment.

Formula for a healthy dynamic where when making decisions you:

1st: Consider yourself, how might this help you, support you, expand you and in what ways? Essentially, what are the pros and cons for you?

2nd: Consider your partner, how might the decision impact them? Based on what you know about them, their value system, and what they have shared with you, how might this decision make them feel? While we do not want to make assumptions, we do want to be able to share with our partner the ways in which we considered them.

  • An answer, conclusion, and decision usually works best when those two questions are answered. When both partners feel seen, heard, valued, and CONSIDERED in the decision.

Together, collaboratively, with open hearts and ready to listen and validate, share with one another, how each of you feel the decision may impact the relationship. The relationship “belongs” to you both. Understanding your individual needs is vital in creating a relationship that works for both of you.

Consideration Case Study – Jonathan and Hannah

Jonathan gets offered a promotion. The increase in salary will support the household with more financial security and opportunity. However, the promotion comes with more responsibility, and he will have less free time. Jonathan is ambitious and believes this is the best next step for him and therefore, for his relationship. His main focus is advancing in his career, he is very happy working at his company, and is excited about the possibility of bringing more money into the household. Jonathan has worked hard for this and is proud of himself!

His partner, Hannah has been feeling unseen and disconnected from Jonathan. She works in education and when she leaves her job at 5:30pm everyday, she does not “bring work home” with her. Hannah often feels she is in “competition with his job.” She cares less about the finances and believes they need to make their relationship more of a priority. She would like Jonathan to be content with the position he currently has with less responsibility or find a new job that pays more and requires less hours. The last thing she wants is for him to take on more responsibility at his current job. She believes his lack of boundaries with his job is a reflection of his lack of prioritization of her needs in the relationship.

After Jonathan learnes about his promotion, he comes home with flowers for Hannah and excited to share his news, stating, “Guess what honey, everything is going to change, I have wonderful news.” Hannah, is excited because she only receives flowers on her birthday and has not experienced this level of enthsiasm from Jonathan in quite sometime. As she grabs a vase for her flowers she is also filled with curiousity and hope. She is looking forward to hearing what Jonathan has to share, believing that he has finally heard her and is going to let her know how he has considered her. She is feeling seen and considered because of his gestures, his tone, and his enthusiasm.

Jonathan proceeds to share, “I did it, I got the promotion babe. Our lives are going to get so much better! We can finally remodel the kitchen and get some other things done!” Hannah, has a tough time holding it together and becomes emotional. She begins to sob and Jonathan is confused. Just like that she feels unseen, unconsidered. He too feels unseen, unappreciated, and unsupported. They reach out to me for their first couples session!

What happened here? Hannah did not feel like Jonathan took her into consideration and did not consider how excited Jonathan was about his promotion. Jonathan felt excited to share his “good news” but may not have considered how Hannah would feel about it. Both of them thought about the relationship. However, they were thinking about the relationship through their individual lenses.

Hannah expressed:

  • “He said that HE, “did it”, I, I, I…it is always about him. He doesn’t even think about me or ask me about major decisions.”
  • “The priority to me right now is our connection and our intimacy. This will take away more of what we do not have enough of, TIME.”
  • “I feel like his main relationship is with work and I feel like his mistress begging for time.”
  • “No matter how many times I tell him I miss him and need him, he does nothing about it. It is obvious that my feelings don’t matter to Jonathan.”

Jonathan expressed:

  • “Is she serious right now? this is the best thing that can happen for us right now.”
  • “I worked hard for this, she is not even happy for or proud of me. She is never my cheerleader.”
  • “She is the one being selfish, I am just trying to make sure we are secure. I feel so unappreciated.”
  • “Everything I do, I do for us, I find it insulting that she say I am not considering her, she is ALL I am considering.”

Jonathan believes he is considering himself, his wife, and their lives together in terms of stability. Hannah believes she is considering herself and their relationship in terms of connection and emotional fulfillment.

I gave them the homework of these three questions:

  1. How are you considering yourself and the impact that Jonathan taking the promotion will have on you as an individual?
  2. How are you considering what Jonathan has shared with you regarding his thoughts and feelings about the decision to take the promotion? Why do you believe it is important to/for him?
  3. How do you believe this decision will impact your relationship?
    • What are the current needs of your relationship?
    • What are ways this decision may bring you closer?
    • What are ways this decision may create more distance?

THE CONVERSATION

Remember, in terms of considering your partner, It is not about how YOU want to consider your partner. It is about how your partner wants to be considered. WHAT THEY ARE ULTIMATELY EXPRESSING IS WHAT WILL SUPPORT THEM WITH FEELING YOUR LOVE.

Consideration is needed to feel emotionally safe in your relationship. Consideration is vital to feeling loved. Navigating partner and self consideration in love takes intention.

You want to go back into the conversation able to discuss the three questions I gave Jonathan and Hannah in depth. It will take introspection, consideration, and compassion. Are you considering what your partner has expressed is important to them? How are you showing up for yourself? How are you showing up for your partner?

You are ready to begin the conversation when you are able to present:

  1. Here is how I am considering myself.
  2. Here is how I am considering what you have shared is important to you.

You want to be able to identify how you have considered yourself AND your partner in your decision making. If you have children and/or pets, you want to also think about how you have considered the other members of your household.

Reaching a decision where you both feel seen and considered is not always easy. If you find yourselves at an impasse, consider seeking additional support, such as couples therapy. Sometimes there are conflicting needs and/or wants. It does not have to lead to resentment or mean the end of your relationship. It can present an opportunity to dig deeper and work together to find a way to move forward in partnership and in love.

Your relationship needs you both. How are each of you considering your relationship?

Consideration of myself + Consideration of my partner = Consideration of the Relationship. In order to reach a solution/conclusion/decision that will work for the relationship, both partners get to be considered.

TAKE ACTION NOW!

When you feel disconnected, detached, and indifferent in your relationship, there is no time to wait, there is no time to waste. The time to take action is NOW. If you still want your relationship to be healthy and thrive, do not make the fatal mistake so many people make, which is they believe they have limitless time.

Even the strongest relationships need time, they need to be nurtured, and as you continue to grow as individuals, couples need time to understand the changes that are happening within themselves and in the world around them so that they can grow together.

For all those who have asked the question, “How can I get my partner to consider me?” Please share this article with them to ensure you are both considering one another.

If you take one thing away from this article, let it be this…

YOU MATTER, THEY MATTER, AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP MATTERS. ENSURE YOUR ACTIONS ARE A REFLECTION OF THAT AWARENESS AND ARE IN ALIGNMENT WITH YOUR HEART!

Do I Make You Feel Special? Couples: 5 Questions to Find Out!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Come on, admit it, most of us want to feel special. We especially want our partners to treat us like they consider us special. There are even phrases that have become part of our culture, have you ever been asked the question, “is there a special someone in your life?” Feeling special is linked to feeling loved, safe and valued. We will explore this more and I will share an exercise/homework I use in couples therapy to support couples with having that conversation.

Oh the art of coupledom, it certainly is a lifestyle choice! I recognize that I decided to work with couples for multiple reasons, one major reason being, I happen to love couples. I do believe it is courageous to make a decision to be committed to share life, time, money, energy, and your body with another person. I have written blogs on how to validate your partner, how to make your partner feel safe, how to work on yourself to support your own personal growth and the relationship. I often talk about owning your role, validating your partner, creating emotional safety, identifying triggers, and taking accountability for the current state of your relationship. I wrote a journal to help people heal from an infidelity and a workbook on how to practice self-love after a breakup.

My hope, goal, and heart all want to support couples with not getting to the point where they are looking outside of their relationship because they do not feel special. Some feel the need to end their relationship because they do not feel loved, seen, or prioritized. Many times, they too have a role in how the relationship got there, either because they have not identified or are not clearly expressing their needs, or they too have not been showing up in a way that resonates for their partner. For some, the desire to feel “special” to their partner, impacts their overall happiness.

Does your partner make you feel special?

Better yet, when was the last time you made them feel special? (I am all about accountability).

You are already special, it is crucial that you know and feel that within yourself. Depending on another person to make you feel special in order to feel valuable or worthy is a recipe for disaster. However, if you know your value and worth, if you practice self-love and are fulfilled from within, it feels pretty great when your life partner reflects that back to you and when YOU REFLECT THAT BACK TO THEM!

Now some may argue or push back and share, “we can not make someone feel anything.” Emphasis on the “make.” However, there are actions, words, and love languages that when extended to your partner, can elicit feelings of love, safety, and appreciation and that can make a person feel, dare I say it? Special. More specifically, special to YOU.

You are not responsible for “making” your partner feel special. However, if you consider them special to you, why would you not want to let them know it with your words and actions?

Being a loving and supportive partner means that you do things because you want to, not because you “have to.” You may not necessarily “want to” do a specific thing, however the hope is that you are driven by the want and desire to see your partner happy, to witness how they express themselves when they feel loved and valued, and you want to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Both partner’s get to show up for one another and create an environment of reciprocity and investment in one another’s happiness.

This is not simply ego based. For every missed opportunity to connect, there is the potential release of the stress hormones of adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine. Whenever we feel loved, seen, and special, there is a release of the “happy hormones” of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin (love hormone), and endorphins. Research shows that healthy relationships lead to longer, more fulfilling lives, as well as better mental and physical health. While unhappy/unfulfilling relationships can lead to more ailments and depression.

When I ask the question in therapy, “What do you do that makes your partner feel special?’ I am met with the following responses:

  1. I make sure I cook a healthy meal everyday to ensure they are getting the nutrients they need.
  2. They are the person I tell my secrets and insecurities to.
  3. I married them (or moved in with them), so they obviously know they are special.
  4. I make sure they have what they need such as gas in their car, a ride to work, their favorite beverage in the refrigerator.
  5. We have sex.
  6. I get dressed up when we go out to show them I still care about how I present myself when we spend time together.
  7. I tell them I love them everyday.
  8. I serve them their meal first when we eat.
  9. They are the first person I call when I hear good (or bad) news.
  10. They know I would put them before any other person in my life.

Those are some of the most popular replies. They all sound pretty solid. They are thoughtful gestures, they definitely show care, so what’s wrong with those responses?

Actually, nothing at all. However, just because something makes a person feel cared for and loved, does not mean that it makes them feel “special.”

According to Merriam-Webster the definition of Special is “distinguished by some unusual quality,” “held in particular esteem”… “held in particular esteem.”

The examples above are loving, thoughtful gestures we get to keep in mind that what makes one feel cared for is not necessarily what makes them feel “special,” and just because something makes you feel special, doesn’t mean it lands in the same way for your partner.

We as human beings do a great job at of pointing out when someone else falls short. We know when we have been triggered, feel hurt, unseen, and undesirable. Usually, we get angry and feel hurt when our partner does not do the things that make us feel like they value us, see us, and desire us. We all deserve to be in a relationship where we feel valued and respected. Who does not want to be loved and desired by their partner?

My question to you is, when was the last time you made your partner feel special?

How do you know?

I will share a brief case study:

Joanna and Randy have been married for only two years when they came in for therapy because Randy was feeling “unseen” by Joanna. Randy shared that Joanna no longer made him feel “special” stating, “she treats me like she treats everyone else, other than sex, there is nothing that belongs to only us.”

Joanna, frustrated shared that Randy, “is being ridiculous, I let him use the bathroom first in the morning, I pick up his favorite dessert periodically, I do things ALL THE TIME to make him feel special.”

Randy went on to share that although he appreciates those things, they do not make him feel special. When asked what makes him feel special, Randy shared things he missed and longed for such as, “asking me for my opinion,” “greeting me with a kiss when I come through the door,” “giving me/us undivided attention when we talk.” He went on to share that he was hurt when Joanna took her best friend to a wine bar that had previously been “their spot,” and that he no longer feels like it is “their special place.”

Joanna was able to validate Randy while also sharing that some of those things were off of her radar. She was unaware how much Randy valued them and how he was impacted. We continued to discuss what makes Joanna feel special and she shared, “I feel special everyday, just by being Randy’s wife.”

Lesson…feeling special is different for different people. Some may value conversations and feeling heard, some may value feeling sexually desired, some may value feeling safe, some may value feeling/being treated as if they are “special.” Special meaning, they are receiving something that no one else receives. It makes them feel loved and it usually makes them feel safe.

An Exercise Straight out of Couples Therapy

Complete the following sentences and answer the following questions in preparation for your conversation:

  1. I feel special to you when you _______________________________.
  2. I feel most appreciated by you when you do/say ____________________.
  3. I try to show you I consider you special by ________________.
  4. Something I do for you that I do not do for others is ________________.
  5. The last time you made me feel special was when you _______________.

Carve out time to discuss your answers:

  1. Set aside intentional time, put the phone down, and ensure there are no interruptions.
  2. Have a pen and paper handy in case you want to keep notes.
  3. Allow your partner to fully share without interruption.
  4. Be honest with what comes up for you and hold a safe space for your partner by not being defensive or reactive.
  5. KEEP IT POSITIVE! Do not use blaming or shaming language. You are sharing what you appreciate, not what they are doing/not doing “wrong.”
  6. Stay curious, ask questions, and get deep!
  7. Validate what they share, remember, what makes a person feel special is unique and personal.
  8. DO NOT TAKE any of what they share personally or label it as a criticism/critique.

You will change over time and so will your partner. Therefore your relationship changing is inevitable. It is crucial to have periodic check in’s to ensure you are on the same page and that all your effort to make your partner feel special is not in vain. Every now and then, people like to feel special, prioritized, and “help in particular esteem.”

Each person is unique, equally valuable, and deserving of love. We are all uniquely special and it is crucial that we know this within ourselves. We can not seek from outside of us, what gets to originate/be birthed within us. When we choose to be in partnership, it is good to know and feel that your partner values and sees you. However, we do not get to depend on our partners to provide us with the security and love that gets to come from within.

The purpose of this blog is to serve as a reminder that we get to be proactive in our relationships, we get to continue to ask questions, and get to know the latest versions of ourselves and our partners.

When was the last time you made your partner feel special? Maybe it’s time to find out, ask them!

With Love, Tamara

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Couples, Let’s Talk Tools: “The Four Agreements” to Enhance Communication and Connection!

/ Tamara Thompson LMFT / Leave a comment

Original Artwork: “Mi Amor” by Daria Borisova

Couples, are you interested in finding an activity to bond, grow, learn, and communicate more lovingly and effectively with one another? Learning together can cultivate a relationship of connection, attraction, and growth.

In this blog you will learn what The Four Agreements are, how they can support communication, transformation, and create emotional safety. You will be given relationship tools, individual sidenotes, and lastly, a couples assignment (homework) that I share with my clients!

I meet and work with SO MANY COUPLES who usually want and need at least one of the following: Deeper connection, more self-awareness, and communication tools. I work with couples in regular weekly sessions and have shorter “intensive journey packages,” that hone in on their dynamic and create unique interventions in a matter of a few days or weeks. Not all couples decide to go to therapy and even those who have, may need or want additional tools. Regardless of your spiritual or religious beliefs, there is a book that is a 3.5hr read or audible, with four precious agreements that when couples go through together, make a world of difference for their connection, self-awareness, and communication. That book is…

“The Four Agreements” by Don Miquel Ruiz

There are pieces of literature that come into our lives and guide us, inspire us, teach us, and challenge us. There are books that I hold dear to my heart as they have helped me on my own personal journey. Some challenge our intellect, some speak to our soul, while others truly warm our hearts.

For those out there that know my therapeutic approach to couples therapy, you know I am passionate about being authentically yourself, growing with one another, and continuously recalibrating the relationship allowing for growth, passion, and new vision to keep both partner’s not only engaged in their life together, but also feeling desired, safe, seen, and inspired. I recognize that’s ambitious. I also recognize that it is entirely possible.

Back to books. It was about a decade ago when a close colleague recommended this book to me, as it was recommended to her by a friend, many years prior. It is a book that supports humanity, not just clients, not just me, my colleague, and her friend. It is a simple read, yet it’s depth is as deep as the reader. It meets you where you are. The more you know yourself, the more of “the work” you’ve been doing, the more you will see, the deeper you will go.

Published in 1997 and according to my latest web search, The Four Agreements has sold over 12 million copies. and has been translated into 52 languages! Which means, that there is a strong likelihood that if you are reading this blog, you have read or at least heard of it. What makes it so special? I suppose there are various opinions around that question. I can share why I believe it is a MUST READ and how I have seen couples who read this book together experience major shifts in their communication, conflict resolution, connection, and overall happiness and fulfillment with themselves and in their relationship. They are able to go deeper as individuals and that shows up in their relationship!

“Remember, despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves.” – Matt Kahn

Why should everyone read this book?

I have clients in individual therapy read, “The Four Agreements” because it supports us with some of the most popular topics in therapy:

  1. Engaging in negative self-talk or not keeping your word with self and/or others. Being able to be trustworthy, people you care about being able to trust that your words and actions are aligned. You being able to hold true to the promises you make to yourself and learning to trust yourself. – Learning to be “BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD“
  2. ‘Personalizing most things, being defensive, making it about “you.” Internalizing what others share and often believing it is a judgment or something negative about you – Learning, “DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY” (and that means anything “good” or “bad”).
  3. Jumping to conclusions, thinking you can predict what others are going to do/say, you do not ask questions, and you determine (assume) what someone else’s actions mean – Learning, “DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS“
  4. Not fully executing, doubting your ability, not trying, doing things haphazardly/half way, knowing you can do better but choosing not to. It can also mean, overdoing things to the point of exhaustion or depletion and risking illness or burnout. – Focus on, “ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST” (not more, not less).

Do you experience any of the following in your couple dynamic?

  • You and/or your partner assume what the other is thinking and feeling, without them sharing.
  • You and/or your partner do not stay curious, and assume they know what is best for their partner.
  • You and/or your partner doubt that their partner is being forthcoming and transparent when asked questions. Examples: “Are you sure? Do you really mean it? Seriously, tell me if you want me to do it? Are you being 100% honest with me?”
  • You and/or your partner put your relationship on the back burner, give it minimal effort, believe you can get to it later.
  • You and your partner have what feels like the same argument and are defensive/experience defensiveness.
  • You and/or your partner do a huge amount for the relationship, giving more energy than you have to the point of exhaustion and then pull back, do much less, and feel resentful?
  • You and/or your partner take the actions, words, and mood of your partner personally. Do you make it about you and have a hard time holding space for them?
  • You and/or your partner hear things through a filter of, “what have I done wrong now?”
  • You and/or your partner are not 100% transparent and are sacrificing a need, not expressing a desire, or not sharing something that hurt your feelings in order to keep the peace or because you struggle with expressing your needs.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS as FOUR TOOLS FOR COUPLES…

THE FIRST AGREEMENT: BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

  • When you believe your partner is saying they are okay and you believe there is something wrong.
  • When you believe your partner is saying (or not saying) something to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
  • When you are sharing something with your partner and they have a hard time believing you, or think you are holding back.

TOOL: When sharing, simply share with your partner, ‘I AM BEING IMPECCABLE WITH MY WORD.” This one statement can immediately ground both partners. You and your partner will know that what you are saying is true, conscious, and intentional.

Sidenote: Individually, keep an eye on being impeccable with your word to yourself. Be on the lookout for negative self-talk and keeping the promises you make to yourself.

THE SECOND AGREEMENT: DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

  • When your partner is in a “bad” mood and is snappy or snarky with you.
  • When your partner is not initiating sexual intimacy.
  • When your partner is quieter and less engaging than usual

TOOL: Stay Curious and take yourself out of the equation rather than make it about you and telling yourself a story that they are not interested in you, do not love you, do not find you attractive, etc. You can ask: “I notice that you have been quiet, is something wrong or are you just in a quiet space?” or ” you have been quieter than usual, are you okay? I am here if you would like to talk.”

Sidenote: Individually, hold yourself accountable for not taking ANYTHING, from ANYONE personally, even the good things1 Remember the phrase, if this wasn’t about me, what else could it be about?

THE THIRD AGREEMENT: DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

  • When you believe you know why your partner is exhibiting a behavior and acting a certain way.
  • When rather than ask and stay curious about your partner, you assume you know the intentions behind what they do and do not do.

TOOL: (Ask questions) If you notice your partner is less attentive, rather than guessing. hypothesizing, or assuming, you can state: “You are being less attentive and I do not want to make an assumption that it’s because you had an exhausting day at work, can you tell me what is impacting you? or “You have been going to bed really late, I do not want to assume the reason why, are you open to talking about it?”

Sidenote: Individually, hold yourself accountable for asking questions and staying curious about all things and people. You may make an assumption and be correct, however, oftentimes we get it wrong. Remember to say this phrase to yourself, I do not get to attach meaning to someone else’s actions or inaction. I get to ask.

THE FOURTH AGREEMENT: ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

  • When you put less thought, energy, and/or care into your relationship because you believe it can wait.
  • When you knowingly do not try your best in the relationship because you do not feel like it and/or are taking your relationship and partner for granted.

TOOL: Set intentions together. Remind one another that you are in it together and have an honest conversation about your level of investment in the relationship. To quote Don Miquel Ruiz, “your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Everything is alive and changing all the time so your best will sometimes be high quality and other times it will not be as good.” He continues on to say, “under any circumstances, always do your best, no more, no less.” You get to make a pact with one another that no matter what, you will do your best and when one of you is struggling, the other gets to give their partner the benefit of the doubt. You get to trust that they are doing their best according to what they have the capacity to do at any given moment.

Sidenote: Individually, make this how you show up for yourself everyday and ALL of your relationships will benefit. Including your relationship with yourself!

COUPLE’S HOMEWORK:

Reading The Four Agreements together can be a relationship game changer! I recommend reading or listening to one chapter per check-in/session and after you both have finished the chapter, discuss the following:

  • Each of your takeaways regarding your individual relationship with and thoughts about the agreement.
  • How the agreement (taking things personally, making assumptions, etc.) shows up in your relationship.
  • What tools do you believe will be helpful and want to implement in your relationship?
  • How will you hold yourselves and one another accountable, with compassion and gentle reminders during conversations and/or conflict?

Remember, you and your partner can create whatever dynamic works best for you as long as you are committed to the process. If you are both showing up and sticking to Agreement #4, you’ve got this!

Thank you Don Miquel Ruiz for your contribution to humanity!

Sending love to you and your relationship, Tamara

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